Wednesday, December 21, 2011

All The Movies I Didn't See In 2011

I didn't see any of the movies of 2011. I did not step into a theater once. I like going to the movies...sometimes. It's just nothing caught my eye this year. In fact, I was hard pressed to think of the name of a single movie that came out this year. So I had to turn to the internet. And when I did, I discovered why I made no effort to shell out $10 for admission and another $10 on popcorn.

Let's start with the sequels....

You can't see a sequel if you haven't see the early movies, right? And this year was full of mostly unnecessary sequels to movies I never cared to see in the first place or movies that just did not under any circumstances require a sequel. Like:

Hangover 2
Why? Why ruin a good thing by doing this? I really enjoyed the first Hangover and it's really ridiculous that now I have to clarify that by saying it's the "first" Hangover. When I saw the trailer and noticed the movie is set up exactly the same way as the first one with the exact same jokes in the exact same spot...well, that little piece of tissue inside of me that holds the laughter died a little.

Scream 4
Really? I know Neve Campbell doesn't have much going on these days. But who in Hollywood owed her a favor to make another sequel to this long dead franchise?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 2
A sequel to a sequel. Now that's a first. How could I possibly watch this one when I've never even seen Part 1, which is already a sequel of something like 7 other movies.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1
See Harry Potter.

And the rest of the unnecessary sequels
Pirates of the Caribbean 4
Kung Fu Panda 2
X-Men First Class (I think this might actually be a prequel)
Cars 2
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (also should be considered a prequel, either way lame)
Final Destination 5: Not So Final
Paranormal Activity 3 (I swear the first one just came out this past summer)
A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Sherlock Holmes 2
New Year's Eve

Moving on from the sequels/prequels...obviously if I haven't seen the earlier movies I'm not going to go out and see the sequels. There were movies that came out that did somewhat slightly grab my attention, but for one reason or another, I refused to go see them. Like:

Water for Elephants
I loved this book. As I was reading it, I could picture the movie happening, and well, Hollywood really screwed it up. I mean, Robert Pattinson??? Way to completely ignore the story and try to cash in on some tween dollars. As soon as I saw he was cast, I knew I would never see this movie. And then they put Reese Witherspoon in as the lead actress and I just had to sigh and pretend it never existed.

Bridesmaids
Everyone says this movie is hilarious. Everyone. And I bet it is. I bet I would really like it. But, I hate Kristin Wiig. That woman makes my skin crawl. So there was no way I was going to be able to sit through a whole movie starring her and her overexaggerated facial expressions.

The Beaver
A Jodie Foster movie starring Mel Gibson as a man who carries around a Beaver puppet as some sort of coping mechanism. Oh, goodness. So very intriguing. Yet, I was never really going to buy a ticket to go see a movie called The Beaver. Starring Mel Gibson. Directed by Jodie Foster.

Moneyball
Brad Pitt annoys me.

Tree of Life
See Moneyball

The Worst of the Rest....

Then there are the movies that just looked so bad and who would ever ever ever pay money to go see this stupid stupid shit? Like:

The Dilemma
Kevin James and Vince Vaughn making gay jokes.

No Strings Attached/Friends With Benefits
Aren't they the same movie? And people paid to go see both of them?

Just Go With It
Oh, Jennifer Aniston. I actually like you. Why are you in this?

Hall Pass
Wives give their husbands a pass to go and screw around on them for the weekend. Umm...yeah. Okay. This one actually could use a sequel where the men do the same for the women. Let's see how that turns out.

Limitless
Bradley Cooper running.

Bad Teacher
Cameron Diaz flirting with Justin Timberlake for 90 minutes. No....thanks.

Zookeeper
More Kevin James. This time he is in a zoo. This guy made two movies this year. Two. I don't even...

Jack and Jill
Go to hell, Sandler.

11-11-11
They did this? Really? And it came out on November 11th? Can you imagine the squeals of excitement coming out of the big movie decision room when someone came up with this?

In Time
And even more Timberlake. That's three movies for Justin.

We also were given a lot of remakes this year. Once again, not one that was necessary. But remakes hardly ever are. Like:

The Roommate
Remake of Single White Female for the teenager set.

Arthur
Russel Brand. 'Nuf said.

Conan
Yeah, no.

Footloose
Stop it, Hollywood. Just stop it.

Three Musketeers
I know this has been made and remade and will continue to be revamped for the rest of eternity. But the Keifer Sutherland/Tim Curry version is the one for me.

But, looking back, there were some movies that I probably would have seen if I just would have found the time to spend at the theater. Going to the movies is a bit of a time suck and I have a hard time wanting to spend an afternoon/evening stuck in a theater seat surrounded by people talking over the movie I paid too much money to see. But if I would have, I probably would have gone to see these:

Paul
I heard bad things, but I do love these Simon Pegg/Nick Frost collaborations.

Hesher
I think Joseph Gordon-Levitt is adorable, not hot, adorable. Like he's my nephew and, oh look at him up there on the screen acting. How cute. And this looked like it might be a good movie.

Super 8
I have no idea what this movie is about. But the hard core interneters all liked it. And I trust them.

Horrible Bosses
Like I said above, I like Jennifer Aniston. I find her pleasant. Her movies usually aren't terrible. They are good Sunday afternoon movies. And she only had a small part in this and it also starred Charlie Day and Jason Bateman. So, really, how bad could it be?

Contagion
Spoiler Alert: Gwyneth Paltrow dies really early on and is responsible for spreading a horrible virus. That alone is awesome. And I usually like movies about the possible end of the world.

Drive
Ryan Gosling. Driving fast. Wearing a cool jacket and sunglasses. Okay. Sure.

50-50
More Joseph Gorden-Levitt. And it's a comedy about cancer. And it has Seth Rogan bumbling around. And it's based on a true story about Seth Rogan's friend who got cancer at a young age. I'm curious.

Ides of March
More Gosling. This time with Bonus Clooney. It has to be at least okay.

J. Edgar
I like Leonardo DiCaprio. I always enjoy his movies. But, not sure if I can get past that awful make-up job they gave him so he could portray old J. Edgar. He kind of looks like the aliens from Mar's Attacks.

Muppets
Okay, I might still see this one. I love the Muppets.

So that's it. That's my year in movies that I didn't see.

Oh, and We Bought a Zoo. Maybe that should be the only movie I see this year.

1 comment:

two birds said...

this post made me laugh out loud! i am with you on movies...i don't know the last time i was in a theater!