It's Something Unknown That Drives You And Carries You Home

There was a time when you couldn't just look things up on the internet to get an answer. You had to work for those answers. Somethings, you never found out. Others, you stumbled on. But generally if you really wanted to find something out, you had to do some work to get the answer.

There was also a time when I really loved Guns N' Roses (don't worry, this all ties together). They were my everything. I bought the albums, t-shirts, posters...all of it. I also bought their double VHS release of their Use Your Illusion tour shows in Japan. 3 hours of early 90s rock excess. They were great.

In the middle of the show, before a certain song that I don't remember, Axl sang a bit of a song by another artist and it always stuck with me:

sail away sweet sister
sail across the sea
maybe you'll find somebody 
that loves you half as much as me
my heart is always with you
no matter what you do 
so sail away sweet sister
i'll always be in love with you

I don't know. I just liked it. And it was a nice, sweet, quiet Axl moment. And I liked Axl.

I knew it wasn't from a Guns N' Roses song and I didn't recognize it from anywhere else. He didn't say where it was from and it wasn't credited anywhere on the packaging.

But I knew it had to come from somewhere. But I had no way of knowing where.

I could do what one did back then: call radio stations or walk up to record store employees and sing the lyrics and hope they recognize it and tell me what it is.

But who's going to actually do that?

So I just went through life not knowing, but always keeping my ear out.

And then a few weeks ago I was listening to the radio and there it was. Those words. Out of the blue. Over 20 years later.

It's Queen.



I'm also a huge fan of Queen and have been since my Guns N' Roses days. I could probably credit being introduced to them via Axl Rose and his love for them - and also Wayne's World. But I don't have their entire discography. If only I would have picked up all of their albums years before...

...but that wasn't the first or the last time that had happened.

Keeping with the Queen theme, after Freddie Mercury died, a big benefit concert happened that EVERYONE played at - Guns N' Roses included. Their performance is still one of my favorite videos:



But anyway...

Robert Plant came out to sing some Led Zepplin songs. I was pretty young and hadn't fully been introduced to Led Zepplin at this time, except for the songs I'd hear on the classic rock station KQ92. But Robert Plant performed a song that I sure thought was pretty:

if the sun refused to shine
i would still be loving you
when mountains crumble to the sea
there will still be you and me

I now know this song as "Thank You". BUT, there was a typo or exclusion on the back of the VHS copy of this concert that was released (that I of course purchased). It said it was "Kashmir" - which is an entirely very different song on an entirely different album.

"Kashmir"


"Thank You"


So I went to the record store (because back then you couldn't preview the album ahead of time) and bought the album Physical Graffiti because "Kashmir" was on it. Oh, and I bought it on cassette.

I rushed home and placed the cassette in the tape player, so excited to hear the pretty song. I started to fast forward the tape as "Kashmir" was towards the end and at that moment, it was all I wanted to hear. I fast forwarded, rewound, let it play a bit...but nothing. The song that I knew as "Kashmir" was nowhere to be found. I was so confused. And disappointed.

Every once in a while I would try to find it on the tape again, but - obviously - I never could. Physical Graffiti just ended up collecting dust at the bottom of my tape collection.

Sorry, Physical Graffiti.

I don't even know when I discovered it was the wrong song. Obviously I did eventually. But oh the time wasted hitting fast forward and rewind on repeat trying to find that little song.

But the first song that left me searching for years was "Run for the Roses" by Dan Fogelberg.





When I was 7, 8, 9 years old,  I used to listen to the radio at night to fall asleep. My station of choice for this was Lite FM WLTE. WLTE consisted of mostly big ballads and soft rock. There was a lot of Luther Vandross, Whitney Houston, Gloria Estefan...that sort of thing.

And there was Dan Fogelberg and "Run for the Roses" (and his song "Leader of the Band" which is also awesome but not the subject right now).

"Run for the Roses" is a song about horses and the Kentucky Derby. As a young girl who loved horses, it was the Best. Song. Ever. But I was very young and never payed attention to the DJ breaks when they would announce what they just played - and I only ever caught the song by chance, usually while lying in bed trying to fall asleep. But I loved it so and I would get so happy when it would come on.

It wasn't until years later when I was in my teens and I started buying albums on my own that I thought to look for this song. It became an obsession.  I had guessed the song was called "Run for the Roses" or something along those lines and I knew it was a soft rock 70s or 80s male singer/songwriter. So I would spend time reading the tracklistings on the backs of records by the likes of John Denver, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, Kriss Kristofferson...anyone that came to mind.

Dan Fogelberg never came to mind.

And then, one day, I had stayed over at a friend's house. I took a shower the next morning. In the bathroom they had a stereo. Her mom liked to listen to music while she took baths. Next to the stereo was a CD. A Dan Fogelberg's Greatest Hits CD. I picked it up just out of random curiosity and flipped the case over to see if I recognized anything by this guy.

And there it was..."Run for the Roses".

I nearly screamed with excitement. All that time searching and there it was.

The funny thing is, after all the time, it was still a while before I picked up the song. I was just so relieved to finally know what it was. It wasn't until my later teens when I started picking up vinyl that I grabbed this greatest hits collection on vinyl and discovered the 70s/80s soft rock awesomeness that is Dan Fogelberg. I was also thrilled to learn he also sang "Leader of the Band". And then, of course, once iTunes came around, it was an early download for me.

Just look at his awesomeness.

Needless to say, I am thankful for the internet and it's easy access to information. I will never be lost wondering what song I just heard. A quick lyric search of one or two lines gets me the info I need. But I do miss some of those discussions we all used to have - trying to remember the theme songs to TV shows - that sort of thing. Now it's all just a click away.

I'm going to stop now before I sound too old.

This Is Not How I Planned It

Things just aren't going well suddenly. Some things are...but most things aren't and it's incredibly frustrating and I just kind of want to close my eyes and pretend these things don't exist so I don't have to deal with them, but I know that I can't.

I've been given sort of an ultimatum with my job. I need to make a decision soon, like, tomorrow and this is just not a good time for me to make these kinds of decisions. I am 100% focused on only things music related and I just don't want to have to make life decisions regarding how I make my money right now. Maybe a month from now - but not right now. I just can't. But I have to. And I don't know what I'm going to do. Should I be sensible? Or should I jump into unknown territory and possibly not have a net? I'm kind of bored with being sensible. But I also know that there's something to be said for being sensible. I'm no spring chicken anymore. 

 Then my dad broke his arm. I found out about this the same day I found out about my job. He's old, in an assisted living home, and he fell and he broke it right underneath his right shoulder. He already had his right leg amputated about 12 years ago from diabetes complications. So now his whole right side is completely useless. He won't be able to use his arm for at least a month - but most likely two months. And since he is missing a leg and requires a cane or a walker or a wheelchair and those things require the use of both arms, he's completely immobile. He is someone who likes to get his daily exercise and now he is stuck in bed in a home...alone. He was already depressed. This is not helping matters. The last time I went over there, his room was tidy. He was talkative, walking. When I went there yesterday, his room was scattered, he was completely out of it, and just looked...gone. I know part of it is the pain meds, but it was really hard to see. 

I left there and went straight to (one of my many) hometown 125 years old celebration. This is the last city my mother lived in (she died when I was 6 years old).

I consider this the house I grew up in - even though I was very little when we lived here and we didn't live here long.

I parked right in front and stared at it for a while...just sort of amazed at how many of us lived in this little place and how it never seemed crowded to me. I remember the yard seeming huge and feeling like I had to run across acres of fields to get to the neighbors house. Obviously, that wasn't the case. 

I spent the day in this little town with some of my family, baking in the heat and drinking cheap cups of light keg beer, talking about old times. I saw some people I haven't seen in years, though most don't remember me. I never really make an effort for them to remember me, though. 

When I left I passed by an old childhood landmark - the slide we played on daily as children and graffiti'd with inappropriate language as teenagers. It was a tradition. There were things written by and about my older siblings on this slide, as well. All writings are now gone.

I think they have been threatening to tear down this lawsuit waiting to happen, but people fight for it to stay. 

And then I stopped by this house... 

This is the last house my mom lived in. For a while she had to have a hospital bed in the living room and I would crawl into it with her at night. Both of these houses in this town seem completely untouched from when I was child. Same color, no noticeable outside updates. Just stuck in time. Stuck in 1985.

It was just a weird day full of emotions and thoughts on life and the long and painfully short of it. And I  think about my job and the reasons why I don't want to lock it down and slave away and stress and get into the grind of it all. But I know the grind of it all is just the way life is and everyone has to do it and why should I try to have it differently?

I just want to make the most out of what could be a really fun time in my life right now. I want to have some freedom to do things. I know I need money to do things, but I don't believe I need a ton. It's more about time for me. I think I just want a year to be able to play shows and travel and not have to worry about having enough vacation days at the job to go places. I think about these things:

• The day I put my dog down, I called work to let them know I would be late because I had to do this but that I would come in after. Of course, I just couldn't. I was bawling and in no shape to be in the office. So I stayed home - but I went in the next day - still an emotional basket case. And what did that get me? Nothing. I was still laid off 2 months later.

• My best friend got married. It was a sort of destination wedding. I should have been there. But I was afraid to ask for the time off. So I missed it. I missed her wedding day. And what did that get me? Nothing. Same job as above - I was laid off a month later.

• I wanted to go to SXSW this year. Just head down there and see what it's all about. I had a new job, though. But it was part-time, so I could easily take a long weekend to go. Oh, but it was the one week I had to be there all week. So I missed it. And what did that get me? Nothing. 3 months later I get notice that my position is being eliminated.

What's the point of what I'm saying? I don't know. Maybe that I just don't want to sacrifice the moments anymore for the money and security. Because the security is a facade and the money is never enough. 

I made a new record. 

I am very excited about it and maybe I want to spend a year just playing it around and exploring that world because it's a world I want to explore and why can't I take some time to do that? I had that opportunity with my current job when it was part-time and flexible, but it's not going to be that anymore and I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up.

I just don't want life to feel like one big uncompromising sacrifice. And by that I mean that I will sacrifice money, sleep, clothing (seriously, everything I own either has a hole in it or is stained because I'm spending all of my money on everything music related), and I am okay with that because I am giving up one thing for another on my terms and I am getting something back for it. But giving up everything for a steady paycheck is not an ideal swap for me right now. And really, I have put a ton of money and time into this record and wouldn't it just be me throwing it away if I jumped back full force into office life? 

I really wanted to play with this one a bit. I wanted to get out there. The timing of all this really sucks.

BUT, then I send email after email after email out into the black hole of venue booking and don't get any responses and I think, well, looks like I won't be playing any shows anyway, might as well get a proper job. 

I just love playing music, writing music, performing music...I just want to do this and have my work life be secondary and not what defines me. It's hard enough to get shows and play them and promote and network and write right now being part-time. If I go back into a full-time demanding job, I feel like all the stuff that's important to me and makes me happy will just go away. And that's just not worth it, right?

Sigh.

Sorry to be so sad and whiney. I know other people have much bigger problems than this. I get it. But it's all relative, isn't it? 

Holiday Haze

Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I hate the 4^th of July holiday. Not what it represents or what we are supposed to be celebrating, but the way we celebrate it. With explosions.

I’ve never been into fireworks. Not even as a kid. I recall the initial reaction each year when I was told it was that time again. I would be excited because I was supposed to be, right? And then they would start and I would see the first one and give an ‘ooooh’ and then I would get bored. Sitting there staring at the same explosion design over and over again just got so dull. Year after year the same display. Blah.

And the noise…I never liked that.

As I got older and teen-aged and friends who supply their own displays, I would play along and say it was “cool”, but deep down I hated it. It made me nervous. I’ve always been a worrier and I could just see fires happening or limbs being lost in all of this “fun”.

Now as an adult living in a neighborhood rapidly filling with teenagers - and the usual asshole neighbor or two – it still haunts me because now I have to deal with all of them. It just makes me ever more eager to get out of this house and this little family neighborhood and back to the city in an apartment with no yards for annoying teenagers to shoot homemade fireworks displays off in.

As this was happening last night at midnight, I said to myself “where are their parents??? who is letting them do this???” And then I felt old. But then I didn’t care. Because 1) I’ve got a cold and I’ve discovered the 4^th of July is the worst time to have one because it’s summer and you want to be outside but also because sleep is impossible because people feel it necessary to explode things in normally quiet neighborhoods all night long and 2) Just because I did stupid shit as a kid doesn’t make it right. I wish I had more discipline as a child and genuinely feel awful about the noise and disturbances I gave my neighbors while I was growing up. I suppose I’m paying for it now.

I’ve also never understood why we get the day of July 4^th off when the whole event is based around lighting loud things off at night when it’s dark. Why don’t we get July 5^th off instead? It’s like if New Year’s Eve was the day everyone got off of work and we were all expected to come in on the 1^st.

Grumble Grumble Grumble….I know. I sound like a crazy old man complaining about the world from my park bench. Truly, that is basically my personality in a nutshell. Especially when I’m sick. I hate being sick.

But, here I am at work just trying to get through it with a sinus headache, achy body, and 5 hours sleep. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way – so I guess that’s a good thing – and it’s happening now and not a month from now when I need to be healthy and in good voice for the CD release show. So, there’s that, as well.

And since I am at work, sick, I get to do a 25 Songs Set of what’s playing on my iPod and helping me get through the day.  Hooray.

1. "How Come You Never Go There" - Feist

2. "Disco Ball" - Flatbear

3. "No Provenance" - Joanna Newsom

4. "Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie" - Joanna Newsom

5. "The Absence of God" - Rilo Kiley

6. "Jailbird" - The Elected

7. "Minnows" - David Karsten Daniels

8. "Shuger Crash!" - Gramma's Boyfriend

9. "Comfort Me" - Feist

10. "36th" - Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lapelles

11. "Puget Sound" - Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lapelles

12. "The Locust Years of Chelsea" - Rank Strangers

13. "Gonna Get Along Without You Now" - She & Him

14. "The Party" - Regina Spektor

15. "Done Wrong" - Ani Difranco

16. "Left Alone" - Fiona Apple

17. "Calliope" - Caroline Smith and the Good Night Sleeps

18. "One Line" - PJ Harvey

19. "My Wife, Lost in the Wild" - Beirut

20. "Living for the City" - Stevie Wonder

21. "The Colour of the Earth" - PJ Harvey

22. "Why Don't You Come Over" - Bethany Larson and the Bee's Knees

23. "Doubt" - Wye Oak

24. "Box of Letters" - The Ericksons

25. "Monica" - Dan Bern

My Thoughts On Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston died tonight.

It's weird. I'm struck by just how sad I am at hearing the news. I didn't know her personally. But, still, I feel like someone I used to know - a long lost friend or relative - someone that really meant something to me at one time has died.

And it's very sad.

Whitney was my first idol. I loved her. I wanted to be her. I look back at the time in my life when I first came to love her: I was about 7 or 8 years old. My mom had just died about a year before. I took to Whitney in a strange way. My adoration of her was stronger than anyone probably ever knew. As a little girl I would try so hard to sing as big as she did. And sometimes, I truly believed I was succeeding. I'd watch her music videos and then, as soon as they ended, I would pretend that I was her in those videos by throwing on her tape and mimicking the moves: The finger snaps, the foot shuffles, the head jerks.

I had her poster on my wall.

This was the video I tried to copy the most:

She came to play in town around that time. I can't recall if it was at the State Fair or some other festival, but I know there were rides there. My sister surprised me and my niece (and best friend), Kimi (her daughter who is around my age) with "tickets" to see her perform. We were so excited. We got to the festival and, unfortunately, we didn't actually have tickets. We stood behind the fence behind the very last row of actual ticket holders and listened to her. She was a tiny dot on the stage, shuffling back and forth...but her voice carried all the way back. There were crates next to us and some other non-ticket holders were standing on them. They let us join them up there and then even let us use their binoculars so we could see. I can still remember that view of Whitney very clearly. And, at that age, I didn't care that we weren't up front. Because, in my mind, we were. Although, I'm pretty sure I went there thinking that I was going to get an autograph. It was my first concert. I didn't know how they worked.

I loved all of her songs and followed her loyally through The Bodyguard - though maybe not as openly. Whitney and my junior high "style" didn't really go hand in hand.

But, probably my favorite of them all is a song called "All At Once" off of her debut album. As I was saying above, when Whitney first really gained popularity, it was right after my mom died. My dad and I  were living in an apartment. I would try to sleep in my own room at night, but would inevitably end up pulling my mattress into his room and sleeping on the mattress on the floor. I would bring my tape player  with me and I would put on her debut album (Whitney Houston) and fall asleep to it. But every time this song came on, I would sing along to it very quietly and usually start crying. I think it was the first song I ever really got. I ever connected with emotionally. I could identify with the lyrics. And I still can't listen to it without bawling. As I'm doing now.



I don't know why I did this. My adult self imagines it's because when my mother was alive and fighting cancer, she used to let me sleep in bed with her and my father. I'd sleep right between them - even at 6 years old - and probably drive them crazy all night. I think some strange part of me felt like laying on the floor next to my dad's bed and listening to Whitney, well, I think it made it feel like it was before. And my dad, being the grieving widower and now single father to a little girl, had no idea what to do and just did everything he could to make me happy. But, man, how did her ever sleep with a seven year old on the floor next to him singing along to Whitney Houston every night? (love you dad)

So, yeah, Whitney Houston meant something to me. When I was a little girl, she sang me through my pain - like my mom used to do. I've always held onto that.

Thanks, Whitney.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today my dad turned 70 years old. 70!

I have to chuckle. My dad is a very impatient man. When I was a kid, every time we would be driving somewhere and have to stop at a red light, he would start to complain and say "Jesus! I'll be sitting here until I'm 70!"

And, now, here he is at 70 and he is not sitting at any red lights.

Apparently the assisted living home where he now lives sang him Happy Birthday at dinner tonight. He said he hated it. But I know he secretly loved it.

It makes me happy that he is now a part of a community again.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

C'mon, Vogue!

I used to be able to do the dance routine to the chorus of this song. I used to whip it out at weddings when I was a teenager and "impress" my family.



Okay, for real, I used to know this entire routine.

Now I'm just going to listen to this song while I go file.

I'm all grows up.

And Madonna is freaky now.

That is all.

Annie

I went out last night for a happy hour. When I got home, I was desperate for something to chill out to while I sobered up a bit and ate some dinner. I chose the movie Annie.

I had wanted to watch some TV on DVD, but I’ve exhausted my collection and just could not even consider watching Arrested Development for the umpteenth time – no matter how much I love it.

So, I put Annie in the DVD player. It has been ages since I last watched it, but it was a pretty big movie to me in my youth. I loved to sing along to all the songs.

The first thing that struck me watching it this time around is how much of an impact it had on me. Within the first 5 minutes of the movie, I heard so many phrases that I use in my daily life today.

The second thing that struck me was how sad it made me. I mean, sure, it’s a movie about orphans. I guess it shouldn’t be a jolly good time. Except, it’s kind of supposed to be. Miss Hannigan and all of our drunkness, the adorable girls singing and dancing and doing silly things, little orphan Annie and her precociousness….

….but the opening scene made me cry. There’s Annie sadly singing out the window a song about parents that abandoned her, wondering what they might be like: “betcha he’s rich, betcha she sews, betcha she’d make me a closet of clothes” while her orphan family lay in their beds looking sad and alone.

Heartbreaking.

Then drunk Miss Hannigan comes stumbling in and makes them get to work and you realize these children are being cared for by a drunk who only cares about the government money they bring in. They have no one but each other.

Annie sneaks out one day and comes across a dog with cans tied to its tail being chased by a group of hooligan boys. I can’t tolerate animal abuse – even in movies. It just makes me so angry. Once again, the tears started to come. But, oh, look at tough little Annie beating up those boys to save the dog…who she then tries to shoo away and who then is almost taken away by the dog catcher until Annie, once again, jumps in to save him, probably seeing the parallel in this dog’s life and hers.

She brings him back to the orphanage and tries to hide him from Miss Hannigan with no luck. Miss Hannigan says she’s going to put Annie in the paddle room and Sandy (the newly named dog) to the sausage factory.

1. The Paddle Room???? What is that???? What happens there???? Does she have someone on hand just to paddle these poor girls????
2. The Sausage Factory???? Did they make sausage out of dogs back then???? I know times were tough, but gross. Surely it was an empty threat meant to scare Annie…but still….

Then in comes Grace, secretary extraordinaire to Mr. Warbucks, the Billionaire. Mr. Warbucks wants to bring in an orphan to live with him for a week. A week. Just a week.

Annie is the chosen one and she and Sandy get swept away to the Warbuck’s estate where she is shown the amazing life she’ll get to live for a week.

Just a week.

What kind of cruel joke is it to bring a sad 10 year old orphan into your ridiculously extravagant home where you have people on hand whose only purpose it to make your bed or lay out your clothes and then send her back to her shitty abusive orphanage where she is forced to clean toilets and eat cold mush every day? Who thought that was a good idea? I mean, this is supposed to be for PR purposes for Mr. Warbucks. What kind of PR would he have when he dropped her back off a week later? Would he at least donate some of his billions to fix up the orphanage and hire a replacement for Miss Hannigan or would he just return the orphan to their squalor?

I don’t think you thought your cunning plan all the way through.

I stopped watching after the big musical number where the staff shows Annie just how awesome living at Warbucks Estate is. One, because I had to go to bed. But, two, I just was watching it a little too logically and couldn’t buy into it anymore.

But, we all know how this story goes. Mr. Warbucks can’t help but fall for the darling little Annie and ends up adopting her after a series of crazy events. He also falls for his secretary and they all live happily ever after.

Except…what about the other orphans? I know Miss Hannigan gets arrested. But did they fix up the orphanage? Are the girls all going to have a nice place to live while they wait for the parents that will probably never come?

Heartbreaking.

Water Troubles

I'm currently waiting for the plumber to come, yet again, to my home to fix another leaky pipe. I was thinking that, without all the leaky pipes/clogged pipes/water in the basement troubles I've had over the years, I would be living a very blessed, financially sound life.

I've probably spent more money on plumbing woes than any other issue I've ever had - and that includes the $5000 sewer pipe 8 feet underground in my front yard. I tell you, there is nothing like throwing that kind of money at something you will never ever see. It's not like I can invite people over and excitedly point out my beautiful new sewer pipe. Maybe instead of laying dirt over it, I should have had them cover it in glass. At least then I could see what I'm paying for.

But, I suppose it's better than having sewer water flood your basement. Yes, it is better than that.

So, last night, just as things seem to be getting on track, I'm downstairs washing the towels. I head over to the dryer to see if they are done and just happen to look up at the ceiling. Why do I do this?

Word of advice: If you are in your basement, just go down there, do your business, and don't look at anything. Keep your eyes on what you are doing. It does you no good to notice things in your basement.

So, I look up and I see this tiny droplet of water just hanging out on this very rusty pipe. Oh shit, I think. I then look down behind the dryer where the droplet was heading and see a nice sized water stain. That thing could have been dripping forever considering the size of the actual drip compared to the size of the stain it left on the floor. That means I could have gone even longer without noticing it and be sitting at the office right now feeling pretty good about things instead of waiting in my freezing cold house (I WILL NOT PUT THE HEAT ON YET!) for some dude to basically come here and rip me off since I know nothing about plumbing and it seems that is what they do.

Water seems to haunt me. From the leaky pipes to my wedding day. I tend to get flooded.

Back when I was about 10 or 11 years old, my dad and I lived in this shitty little one bedroom apartment in a duplex. We were on the upper level. He was out one night and I had a friend over. We were messing around in the bathroom trying on make-up or something. Who knows. My friend leaned on the very old sink basin that was just sort of a basin attached to the wall somehow with a pipe going into the wall.

It broke.

The sink came crashing from the wall and water started spewing everywhere. Our bathroom quickly became flooded with sink water.

Our landlord was the woman who lived below us. She was a crazy frightening lady. She came barreling into the bathroom yelling at us that "we're going to pay for this!". I imagine the water was completely flooding her room below us, too. But, come on, we were just kids. We weren't going to literally pay for anything. She left briefly. We were both sobbing, grabbing towels, trying desperately to soak it all up.

She returned with her camera and started taking pictures of us on our hands and knees on the wet floor, tears streaming from our faces, apologizing over and over again. Then she left.

It was in the days before cell phones, so all I could do was wait for my dad to come home. Needless to say, he was not pleased. But, if memory serves me correct, he understood it was an accident and I believe he gave our landlady a stern talking to for treating us that way.

I don't think we lived there much longer after that.

I also wonder what she did with those pictures. Does she still have them? Are they in some crazy lady photo album that she shows to all of her nursing home friends? I guess since that was 20 years ago, there's a good chance she's not around anymore.

I'm going to imagine she was some sort of witch-lady who, while screaming at us and snapping pictures, put a curse on me. A water curse. That water will haunt me forever.

Because, I mean really, another leaky pipe???

MTV "Video" "Music" "Awards"

The earliest MTV Video Music Awards I remember watching live was back in 1988. I don't know how into it I was, as the only performance I remember seeing was Guns N' Roses performance of "Welcome to the Jungle".

I don't care what you say, they were an amazing band.

Being that I was 9, I wasn't quite into them yet. That would be another year or so.

1989 was the first year I was really into the Video Music Awards. Though looking back at the performances, I'm shocked I cared so much. The Cult, Cher, Rolling Stones...as a 10 year old, that's not an enticing mix. But I was really into Paula Abdul at the time and Arsenio Hall was hosting and they were rumored to be together and even back then, my attention to gossip was strong, so I was very excited for her performance.

I tried and tried to learn those dance moves.

1991 was probably the most memorable. R.E.M. won award after award for "Losing My Religion", with Michael Stipe removing and revealing a different t-shirt each time they went up to accept their moon man, though Pee Wee Herman stole the show right off the bat, making his first public appearance after getting caught masturbating in a theater spouting the line: "Heard any good jokes lately?"

Bands like Metallica and Guns N' Roses and Van Halen still performed. Your pop stars were the likes of Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul. L.L. Cool J was THE rapper and this was as cheesy as it got:

Admittedly, this is very cheesy.

So what am I getting at?

Last night was the 2011 VMAs and this was the big winner:

Looking up this video and checking it out before posting is my first encounter with Katy Perry. Don't get me wrong, I've seen her all over the blogs. I know she's a good Christian girl who just happens to be married to Russell Brand.

But this is the video of the year? An auto-tuned mess of a song with a message about being a firework?

Okay, take away the song. This is the "video" music awards. Or excuse me, the VMAs (just like KFC, MTV can't false advertise anymore).

What is this video? Why is it the winner? I don't understand. There is nothing of interest happening here.

To put this in perspective, let's look at some of the past Video of the Year winners, shall we?

1984: The Cars - "You Might Think"

1986: Dire Straits - "Money for Nothing"

1990: Sinead O'Connor - "Nothing Compares 2 U"

1991: R.E.M. - "Losing My Religion"

1992: Van Halen - "Right Now"

1993: Pearl Jam - "Jeremy"

1994: Aerosmith - "Cryin"

1995: TLC - "Waterfalls"

1997: Jamiroquai - "Virtual Insanity"

1999: Lauryn Hill - "Doo Wop (That Thing)"

2003: Missy Elliot - "Work It"

2004: Outkast - "Hey Ya"

All iconic videos. Sure there have been a few duds along the way, but for the most part, the videos have been worthy winners.

So is the Katy Perry video a dud/mistake or a generational thing? It certainly doesn't seem like a mistake since people aren't shocked by the win. I mean, when Neil Young won way back when, people were stunned.

That makes me think it's a generational thing and I'm finally too old for this shit.

For example, I don't understand how this could be a heartthrob:

I know my Teen Idol was not exactly a snazzy dresser either:

But at least he had facial hair.

This is probably the first time where I've never heard the music of over 3/4 of the nominees and when I clicked on the red carpet pics this morning, I knew maybe a handful of names.

In the interest of trying to know what I'm talking about, I've explored some of these artists and all I can say again is...I don't get it.

I understand and like Lady GaGa. Britney Spears is a special gal and she has some fun songs. Beyonce is The Queen and nobody messes with her. Everybody likes Adele.

I can see why young girls like Katy Perry.

But...Justin Beiber? Kreayshawn??? LMFAO????? Fucking Chris Brown?????? Yes, let's hero worship the guy who beat his girlfriend to a bloody pulp. That will be a good lesson for everyone.

Even in my younger days, I appreciated the music that I may not have liked. I had friends who listened to Cannibal Corpse. Is it really just the music you're exposed to as a teen is the music that can do no wrong? Or is it what I really think which is popular music today really really sucks?

I'm going with the latter. Now get off my lawn.

103

Today, the temperature is the hottest it's been in 23 years. 103 is the recorded high for today, but my car said 102 degrees:

23 years is a really long time. We're talking 1988. People who are legally able to drink alcohol today weren't even born yet. That's crazy.

And that makes me old.

On this day in 1988, I was a couple of months shy of my 9th birthday and just leaving the 3rd grade.

I lived in Waconia, MN in a 3rd floor tiny apartment with my dad across the street from the elementary school I attended. My mom had died 2.5 years prior. Dad worked a lot. I fended for myself a lot. This meant I skipped school a lot. That was my 8 year old life.

I loved watching Lassie and Mr. Ed on Nickelodeon. I was about a year away from discovering New Kids on the Block. I loved Michael Jackson's Bad album and Weird Al's parody, Even Worse. I'm fairly certain I had this poster on my bedroom wall:

And I didn't even like Kirk Cameron.

I remember my 9th birthday party. I had a sleepover with about 5 girls from school. I vaguely remember sitting with the lights off with something that glowed in the dark. I want to say it was a hula hoop, but that seems weird.

Bush Sr. was the VP and won the Presidential election later that year.

Celebrities born in 1988:

Haley Joel Osment - April 10th

Adele - May 5th

Princess Beatrice - August 8th

Top 5 singles of 1988:

"Faith" - George Michael

"Need You Tonight" - INXS

"Got My Mind Set On You" - George Harrison

"Never Gonna Give You Up" - Rick Astley

"Sweet Child O' Mine" - Guns N' Roses

Rain Man was the top grossing film of the year and also won the Oscar.

23 years ago. I don't even feel like I've been around for 23 years yet. How is that possible?

23 years from now it will 2034. I will be 54. 54!!!

How will I look back on this year?

Was It All A Dream?

I have this very vivid memory of driving on some country road with my parents and other family members when I was a very little girl. I was sitting in the front seat between my mom and dad (back before every car had bucket seats). We were behind a car that had a canoe strapped to the top. As we were rolling along, the canoe flew off the top of the car, narrowly missing us, and landing in the ditch.

It was a definite moment of terror in my young life.

But, the thing is, I have no idea if that actually happened.

It's all so clear to me. The road, the car, our car, the canoe in the ditch. But part of me, for whatever reason, thinks it might have just been a dream.

It's something I always try to remember to ask my dad about, but then I always forget when I talk to him. And would he even remember? As a kid, it was pretty scary. But for an adult, it was just a moment on the road.

If it happened at all.

Either way, to this day, I get freaked out driving behind cars with anything strapped to the top.

Back In Time

Today I had to run out to Watertown, MN to take care of some things for my father. I hadn't been out there since high school - and even in high school I didn't hang out there very often, but I was/am friends with a lot of people from there. It was weird driving those roads for the first time in probably 12 years. The swervy curviness of County 10 and how it is basically unchanged - not counting a few new housing developments and a roundabout where it meets Highway 7. A roundabout! Why did they decide a roundabout was the best option for that intersection?

There's another roundabout (seriously, why?) as you enter Watertown. As I headed down the hill into "downtown" this flood of memories came back. But they weren't really memories - more feelings, sensations, vibes. I can't even tell you if they were good or bad. I just hadn't laid eyes on that part of my youth in so long. It was all very strange.

Life seems to be pointing me in the direction of my past quite often lately. I find myself confronted with a lot of different memories/vibes all the time now. Whether it's people I run into/reconnect with, visits out to the hometown, family I haven't seen in ages, just random things I'm being forced to think about. I seem to be coming back full circle. I'm trying to figure out if that's good or bad.

Me at my high school prom.

Lucky Star

So, I got these new boots.

I’ve talked about them before. There isn’t really anything special about them. In fact, they are so the opposite of special that you can find some version of them in any store that sells shoes.*

But, I was drawn to them for some reason and when I tried them on, they were so full of comfort that I had to get them.

The other day as I was walking to the bus, I caught my reflection in a window (Okay, I was totally purposely looking. You know you do it, too) and saw how my boots looked when I walked and realized why I like them so much.

They remind me of the boots Madonna wore in the “Lucky Star” video.

Now, as you can plainly see, they are nothing like the boots in the video except that they are both black and about the same height. But, when I walk in them, they feel on my feet how I imagine those boots felt on Madonna.

Sounds strange, right?

But, when I was a little girl and idolized Madonna, I would watch this video and try to copy the dance moves in my living room. Not realizing that it was just my inability to dance, I assumed it was those totally kick ass boots she wore that allowed her to dance that way and if I could just get a pair, I, too, would be able to jump and kick my leg high in the air.

So now, when I walk in these boots, with their light as air cushioned soles, I kind of want to break into the “Lucky Star” dance just to see if my little girl self was right all along. I haven’t tried it yet.

Maybe tonight…

Side note: How cool was Madonna back then? Look at her! She ruled. I so wanted to dress like that, but I was too young.

*You could find them in any store, but now that it’s summer, shoe stores assume you no longer want to buy boots and it is impossible to find a pair. I have been searching for a different pair and boots have just disappeared from the planet for the summer.