I believe in a post a few days later, I mentioned how before we know it, one year will have gone by without him and how strange that will be. And now one year has gone by and it went by fast. I think when I wrote that, I thought for sure by now that I would be over it. That I would have moved on. That the grieving period would be done. And that thought scared me. The thought that I could possibly get over him. But, it's not done. I still tear up at just the thought of him. And now that scares me. Will this feeling every go away? I just miss him so much.
We have talks about getting another dog in the Spring...I wonder how that will be and what that will do for all of these Murray thoughts.
I just wish he was here.
Below is a letter to him I wrote a few days after his last day. I can't even begin to read it right now. But I'm glad I wrote it. I look forward to reading it again someday.
I miss you so much, Pumpkin. Mommy will always love you.
You were a good boy. You were the best one. You were my babydog and my little pumpkin pie. You were a brown dog with a white patch on your chest that you rarely let anyone see. Your nose was dark and long with freckles. You once loved to get your belly rubbed, but that changed after you got fleas that one fall. Your teeth started to hurt and you loved it when I rubbed your jaw really really hard. It left white flecks of your graying beard all over my clothes. You shed like crazy. There will be hair forever in this house. You were the best one. I found you on the internet. You had a red bandana on and you looked ridiculous. They said you growled at a kid at some PetSmart adoption day and they were going to put you down because of it, but then Second Chance came along and saved you and we got to love you. We think you were 5 years old. The first night you slept in our house, Dad and I felt like we had to whisper so we wouldn't wake you up. We had no idea how to act around you. We bought you a cat, an elephant, and a duck. You would run up and down those wooden stairs with no problem, always there to greet us when we came home. Once you were scared of the rug in the den and wouldn't go on it for a while. Not sure what that was about. You loved, loved, loved your "ducks" - that's what we called all of your toys: ducks. You loved to lick them. Always. You never tore them apart - which is why we still have every single one of them. And you had a lot of them. You had so much love to give. I am so lucky to have been a receiver of that love. I think your favorite ducks were your Original Duck, Pig, Raccoon, and Beaver. You loved to get your kong every morning. You originally got junk food treats like little hamburgers and snausages, but then we switched it up to Bil Jac Gooberliciousnesses - or whatever they were called. You had two dog friends: Katie and Scout. You bit three people, but everyone knows how very sweet you really are and everyone forgave you. You only let your dad and I and sometimes grandma touch your feet - but you never liked it. You did not like when people got in your face - hence the biting. But you always let me and your dad get as close as we wanted and you were always happy to give us lots of kisses. You had the biggest brightest smile. The first trip to Michigan , you jumped on top of the boat - repeatedly. You seemed to think it was hilarious. It was. You were so happy there. You never had to be tied up or on a leash. You loved to swim and would just lay down in the water. One time when we were walking in the park with Kimi, we went up to a pond and you walked in a laid down. That was the first time I ever saw you do that. It was so goofy. You used to pull on your leash so hard it made my hand raw. I had to wrap a plastic bag around my hand when we went for walks so it wouldn't hurt. In Michigan, you loved to chase real ducks. We would have to go chasing after you in the water, you would go so far out we would get worried. You used to sometimes sleep in bed with us. Dad would have to hang his feet off because you would sprawl. Back when our bed was just a mattress on the floor, you would crawl up with me on the weekends and let me cuddle with you. It made me so happy. We loved Sunday morning cuddles. You had gross eye and had to get it removed . You loved to mark your territory. You couldn't go two feet on a walk without stopping to pee on something. We used to call it your job. It's not a mailbox. Time to get up and go to work, Murray! At grandmas, you would spend all day peeing everywhere that Scout and Katie had gone. You ate Bil Jac food. You even picked it out. I placed three bowls of different food in front of you and you picked Bil Jac. You stayed in a hotel room with us once when the power went out. I don't think you liked it. On the way home the night we got you, you sat stared out the back window of the car. I thought you were the cutest thing ever. You were. When we first met you, you walked right up to us and sat at our feet. When we bought our new house, you excitedly ran from room to room to check it all out. You used to run down the basement stairs to hang out with whoever was watching TV down there. You would come running and jump right up on the couch (your old bed) and hang out. One time when dad was out of town and there was a really nasty storm, you and I curled up on that little couch in the basement and waited it out. Both of us shaking and scared. You laid right on top of me. You hated thunderstorms. You would keep us up at night shaking on the bed, so scared. One of us would have to get up and sleep in the living room with you with the TV on. That seemed to calm you down. There were many sleepless night because of that. You loved to chase squirrels and rabbits. You loved to bark at other dogs. You would stand in the back yard and just bark at Solo's house for hours. You did not like Solo. You LOVED your soccer ball. I think your happiest times were playing soccer in the back yard with your dad. You would chase and chase that thing until you learned how to pick it up. Then you would just pick it up and carry it away. One time at grandma's you laid down in the kiddie pool. Your first day home alone, you chewed up the door frame of the room we had you in. We crated you for a while, but then when we decided to give you free reign of the house, you were a perfect little angel dog. You were my little angel baby. You became my little old man. You wore a red collar. You loved your collar. At the old house, you rarely had it on since we had a fenced in yard. But you would be so happy when we put it back on you. You used to love to get brushed, but again after the fleas, you stopped liking it. You got heartworm and couldn't play for a month. That was when we first got you. It broke my heart. You had the worst breath. The Worst. I would give anything to smell your breath right now. When your hair got long, it looked like you had muppet feet. You had the littlest feet. I don't know how they supported you. You had two favorite games: Throw the Duck Down the Hall and See Who Could Get the Duck Off the Couch First. Because of these games, I missed whole sections of Lost. But that's okay. You got two milkbones with dinner and one little liver treat. We used to just give you the liver treat because it was a good way to give you your pill. But then we started wrapping your pills in tofurkey and just gave you the liver treat as an appetizer. You LOVED cheese. I couldn't even touch the wrapper of string cheese without you going bonkers. I would have to have two every time because you would always get half. You were always underfoot. You had to follow us everywhere. There were times I would not do something because I didn't want you to have to get up. You loved to go for walks. You loved the futon at the cottages. I swear you thought they were the greatest invention ever. You had green bean casserole once and I had never seen you enjoy a meal more. You had a voice that we gave you. I don't know how to not do that voice. You dug a hole behind the porch to lay in. Sometimes when it was just the two of us, we would have dance parties. You were the best dance partner. You would turn in circles and stomp your feet, occasionally you would jump a little. You had the sweetest face. You were the best one. You went to PetSmart to get groomed. It would take 3-4 hours. You came back from Michigan the first time with dreadlocks in your hair from being in the water so much. Next time we made sure to get you a haircut first. You loved us so much. Everyone said that they never saw a dog look at a human the way you looked at us. That made me so happy. I hope you were happy with us. I made up song for you. Well, one was just the "you're the end of the rainbow, my pot of gold..." song. But the others were "Good boy, Murray Dog" sung to the tune of "Good ship Lollipop". It went:You're a good boy, Murray Dog Such a sweet boy, Murray Dog and his momma loves him so much boop boop bi doo (kiss) and "Murray Is A Good Boy" sung to the tune of "18 and Life". It went: Murray is a good boy, he has a heart of gold. That's as far as we got. We were still working on the rest of it. Your name was Murray. You were very furry. You were in a hurry. You were always worried. You were the best one. Mommy loves you so much, buddy. You loved Derek and Jen. They were your favorites. You liked to stick your nose in the snow. When you would get ice in your paw on walks, you would just "go limp" even in the middle of the street. Wed have to drag you. We joked that you were "too smart" for obedience school, that's why you dropped out. When we first got you, you would go lay down far away when we ate. You never begged. But then I started feeding you table scraps and you learned quickly. You had your own bedroom for a while with your own Big Bed. You would sleep on that big full bed all by yourself, head on the pillow, sprawled in the sunlight. You looked so comfortable. I always wished I could get that comfortable. You never shook yourself dry. You would just stand there and drip. And as soon as you were dry, you would jump back in the water. We used to say "ears up for safety!" You loved Texas Toast - it was dessert bread. You loved taco night, but don't get too close to the oven or it would be hairfire. I think you're favorite times were when dad would sit on the low chair in front of the TV playing video games and I would be on the computer next to him and you would lay down on the floor in between, licking your ducks. Those were my favorite times, too. You were the best one. You were my best friend. You were my baby. My little pumpkin pie. Mommy loves you so much. Big kisses. I miss you more than I thought I could ever miss anything. It physically hurts not having you here. I would give anything to have you back. I want to touch your nose, I want to squeeze you. I want to give you lots of kisses right between the eyes. Thank you for being my dog and thank you for letting me be your mom. Even with the pain I have now, I don't regret a single thing. I would do it all over again. You were the best one. Thank you for being my little boy. I love you, babydog.