Monday, November 10, 2008


I come into Mondays with a lot on my brain. A weekend worth of pondering whilst raking leaves or cleaning the house or running errands leaves me with a lot on my mind. Being new to blogging, I'm never sure if I should break all of these thoughts into separate posts to keep things clear, or just dump them all under one header and be done with it.

I think this unknowing stems from a deeper problem of mine: What is everyone else doing? Am I doing this right?

I doubt myself constantly and I am constantly looking for acceptance. I certainly have a void I am looking to fill. I'm sure a psychologist would tell me it is due to my mom dying when I was young and me looking to replace that relationship. It's blaringly obvious that's what it is.

Knowing this about myself, I tend to be very aware when I am doing something based on filling a void. But lately, I am becoming more and more unsure of the reasons behind why I do what I do. I'm trying to make some changes, but I don't know if I will be able to pull them off. These are the same changes I try to make over and over again, but I never seem to be able to follow through.

Here are the changes I am trying to make and the reasons why I have difficulty keeping them.

1. No More Chocolate. I'm having some serious weight gain issues. I always put on weight this time of year. I think that has more to do with my activity levels dropping than anything else. I just want to stay in and curl up on the couch evey night. Because of this, I need to cut back on what I eat. Unfortunately, I eat pretty well. There isn't much I can cut back from in my daily meals. I also don't believe in depriving myself. I am, however, a chocoholic. I cannot resist it. I have a large hot chocolate from Caribou every morning. I will usually find a chocolate snack at some point in the afternoon and then some sort of sweet dessert after dinner. I know that if I just cut these things out, my calorie intake will drop dramatically and so will the weight. I stopped drinking soda years ago and noticed a difference in my face almost immediately. I also quit smoking over a year ago and I don't have that nicotine crutch to use when I am craving chocolate. The only beverages besides hot chocolate that I drink are water, orange juice, and beer. I don't drink coffee or tea or soda. I think this no chocolate thing will help immensley. I will treat myself once a week to some, though. But that's it. Of course, being that this is the first day of my resistance, one co-worker brought in homemade chocolate chip cookies and another brought in donuts. So far, so good though.

2. Stop Caring What My Peers Think Of Me. I bend and mold myself for others. I tend to act like a stupid puppy around people I deem "cooler" than me. I'm almost 30 and I still feel like I'm supposed to live up to some ultra-hip standard of cool that I've set up for myself. It doesn't help that I now work for a media company full of these ultra-hipsters who are constantly coming back from some ultra-hip place and when they ask what I did over the weekend, I feel like a jackass when I say "I stayed home...again." It's not that I don't go out. I'm just very picky about what I want to do. I love to see live shows, but I don't necessarily want to go and see every new local band that sprouts up just so I can say I saw them first. I'm also very very scared of getting a DWI. When I go out, I like to have a few beers. So, it's either stay close to home or take a very expensive cab. The cab is out of the question (can't afford it), so I just stay home and try to make the nights that I do go out to be extra special. I need to be okay with this. I also need to be okay with not being able to wear the latest fashions. I do not have the budget to spend on clothing. I've never been a fashionable person. I've always just worn whatever. But lately I've been trying so hard, that my wardrobe has fallen apart and is just filled with pieces that don't go together and now I look like I try to hard. I just need to get back to my basic jeans and tee ensembles.

3. Become A Better Wife. I don't mean this in the old fashioned sense of having dinner on the table when he comes home from work or anything, but due to number 2 on this list, I tend to neglect him and his needs. I am so lucky to have such a supportive, nuturing, loving husband. He is everything I could ever want. I want to start making our nights at home more special. I want to try to let him know more often what he means to me and how grateful I am to have him in my life. Because, honestly, there is nothing I enjoy more than a Saturday night at home with my husband and my dog. I need to remember that all those people I see at bars and clubs who are constantly on the prowl are more than likely looking for what I already have. One thing I know is that I love my husband and I love the little life we have created for ourselves.

4. Be A Stronger Woman. I've always been a pushover. This goes along with my constant need of acceptance.

So that's that. Those are the 4 changes I really need to make with myself. Is it close enough to New Years to make them resolutions? Oh, New Years. Let me throw this on here, too. I will not feel down on myself if I have no happening party to attend on New Years Eve. Truth be told, I hate going out on New Years. It's DWI waiting to happen. I love just getting a bottle of champagne and toasting my husband in our living room while we sit by the fire and listen to music.

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