Monday, May 20, 2013

To The Deepest Part Of The Human Heart

I feel like it's been ages since I've last written here. I think there was snow on the ground. Today is a balmy 80 and it hasn't stopped raining in what feels like forever. But we have leaves on the trees and the grass is green and that certainly helps things.

I've been to block parties. Seen a lot of shows. Had crazy long days at work. Lost 8 pounds. Gained back 4. Got new glasses. Hugged Dan Bern and Kristin Hersh. Finished an EP and have a stack full of discs ready to be let out into the world. I've lost a drummer and found a new one. Allie Brosh has come back from the brink with a great new post on Hyperbole and a Half. I've bought a few new albums. Season 4 of Community ended in a most unfabulous way. Then it was renewed for a 5th season. I took Robbie to his first outdoor summer festival. He met people and dogs of all shapes and sizes and was just the best boy I could have ever hoped for. I saw Star Trek Into Darkness. It was awesome.

But today I had to take a vacation day from work because things are just not right. With me. With my life. I wasn't ready to focus on things I have to focus on. I needed to be alone. To do what I want. To let my brain wander where it wants to. Even if that means all I've done is two loads of laundry and taken the dog to PetSmart. I just needed to be with me today.

So I'm dealing with some of that right now. And I'm dealing with some other things. Or I'm trying to because, really, I have no idea how to deal with these things. It feels like I'm just constantly getting through things. Just gotta get through this and then it will get better. Okay. Now just this and then it will get goes on and on.

I went out alone yesterday. To the movies and to a show. I sat by myself in the very back row of the theater. A woman came up to me looking for a place to sit. She asked "Are you alone?".


"Well, you're not really alone," she responded.

And me in my grumpy state just sighed heavily and leaned my body in the opposite direction, sinking deeper into my chair, waiting for the movie to start so I could focus on something for a little while.

Then, through the magic of Twitter, I was put on the guest list for Kristin Hersh's show last night. Her album Hips and Makers was the first "cool" album I ever owned. I was a teenager just discovering the genre of chick with acoustic guitar screaming their innermost feelings into a microphone and this album was so raw, I didn't know what to think. She really just put it all out there. I was inspired.

And so when I bemoaned on Twitter that I didn't have the money to spend on her show last night and I was bummed, she put me on the list. I know she's been diagnosed bipolar and has had a ton of mental health issues. I felt like a strange connection that I'm sure was completely one-sided. But seeing her show last night was exactly what I needed yesterday. And when I thanked her afterwards for putting me on the list, she was so warm and kind. And when another person who has supported my music so kindly was there and bought me a beer, I felt like maybe the woman in the theater was right. I'm not really alone. No matter what. And maybe I need to let more people in. And maybe putting it all out there is a good thing.

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