Introvert

Suddenly having a moment where I start to feel super small and different and out of touch with everyone due to some probably insignificant thing that just happened.

Honestly, I feel this way most days. Social situations are murder on my self-esteem. And that’s social situations in all forms. From parties to rock shows to the office. I get super nervous and constantly feel like people are watching me and judging me. My outfit, my movement, my body, my hair, the way I talk, my laugh, what my face does when I say things. It’s awful.

It’s become an issue at jobs in the past. I’ve been labeled as “unengaged”. It doesn’t matter that I do my job and I do it well. Since I’m not overly social, since I sit at my desk with headphones in my ears, I must not really be doing anything.

I am a horrible conversationalist. I never know what to say. About anything. I have plenty of things I want to say, but it never comes out right. I begin to stutter. I forget the point I’m trying to make. And since that is usually what happens, I choose to sit quietly. And I think this weirds people out.  I get so panicked in most conversations that I begin to think way in advance about what my response should be, thus I end up not hearing the rest of what the other person is saying and making everything so much worse.

I really dislike small talk. As soon as I’m stuck in an elevator with a stranger and they bring up the fucking weather or the fact that it’s Friday or Monday…I want to scream. Is there a reason we must speak to each other in that situation?

I have a huge fear of being excluded. I am extremely paranoid about it. So much so that I end up putting myself in a position to be excluded because I come off so weird and guarded.

Having these issues and trying to make something of myself within the music community is a near impossible task as the constant need to network and promote myself just goes against every fiber of my being.

And, let me just say, that I don’t dislike talking to people. I want to talk to people. I want to be the life of the party. I want to sit and have cool, engaging conversations with people. I want to be close to people. I want people to want me to be there. I recently wrote a whole song about it titled “Introvert”. It goes:

I want to the outspoken one

The one everybody waits for

So the party can get started

And I enter in an outfit

That everyone will notice

For all the right reasons

I want to talk in a loud volume

And say all the right things

About all the right subject

And even if I don’t know

What it is I’m talking about

I want everyone to want to hear what I’m saying

But I’m an introvert

I’ll be over here

Blending into the background

Hoping you stay far away from me

I want to dance

Like no one is watching

In a crowded room

Cuz I think I just might be

A pretty good dancer

And I’m dying to bust my move

But I’m an introvert

I’ll be over here

Bleeding into the background

Hoping you stay far away from me

And I can get to that point with people after a while…but it’s a really really really long while. I recall back in high school realizing it took me at least a year to feel comfortable enough with someone to hang out with them one on one. Just to sit with someone else at a table and not panic because I didn’t know what to say.

And these days, people don’t really have time for that.

That’s why I love social media. Because I can sit back and carefully craft every word – stutter free – from behind a screen where no one can see what my face is doing. But it also brings out this terror because then you go out in public and you see someone from Twitter or wherever that you “know” and tweet with or whatever and you fear they’ve formed this opinion of you based on your social media conversations and you know you can never be that person in person so you panic and you hide.

But I can be social. I have good days. I went to an event the other night. Alone. Found some people I knew. Chatted with them. Felt good about it. Went up to some other people a little later, buckled. Couldn’t talk. It’s such a crap shoot.

And so incredibly frustrating.

I’m sure there are (prescription) drugs I could take that would loosen me up a bit. And maybe I should. I know alcohol helps ; )

I’m just really tired of not being asked to join the party.