Unemployment And Me

I've been without a job for officially two weeks now. I can't even begin to tell you how strange this is...but I will try.

The last time I was without a job was 7 years ago. Oddly enough it was also in the month of November. I had left the receptionist job I was working at for 4 years because I just couldn't take it anymore. Being a receptionist is shockingly draining. Maybe it makes me sound like a lazy person, but have you ever been a receptionist? Try answering a phone that never stops ringing for 8 hours a day for 4 years. It is enough to drive a person mad. That was all I did. I answered the phones and directed calls. It made my brain turn to mush. That constant beeping of the phone "ring" seeped its way into my dreams. I couldn't answer my own phone without saying the name of the company I worked for. And to this day I still hate talking on the phone. I am so happy texting is a thing.

You can see the murder in her eyes.

Now I find myself unemployed and not by my choosing. I was not prepared to not have a job. I was not prepared for my routine to go away. I now find myself constantly trying to just do something and failing. I'm trying to fill the void of working by mimicking a work day here at home, and it's just not happening. It's like trying to quit smoking. You find yourself chewing on pencils and sucking on lollipops and it's just not the same. You just want a damn cigarette. I just want to go to work. I know that sounds strange. But there is a lot more that goes into work than just work. And I miss all that.

As with everything, there are pros and cons to not having a job. I was lucky enough to be given a severance that buys me some time before total panic sets in. But since the panic isn't there, there's no sense of urgency and I fear I might be breathing a little too easy right now. This severance is going to go by quickly. I am still looking for jobs daily, but I'm looking for that ideal job instead of just looking for work and pretty soon those ideals aren't going to matter so much anymore.

I'm trying to make the most out of a bad situation. I'm trying to find enjoyment in my days at home. But it's hard. It's really hard. I'm trying to put myself on a schedule that I follow daily to fill the void of not having a work schedule. But with each day, the schedule slips a little more until it's 10:41am on a Wednesday and I'm still in my pajamas.

Hey! Look at me! I'm happy!

I tried getting up by 8:30 and doing yoga, eating breakfast, drinking coffee and looking for jobs, working on a household chore, lunch, another household chore, work on music related items, go for a walk, do the dishes, and then it's the end of the "work" day.

But then I slept in until 9:00 and skipped yoga. And then the household chores got too easy and only took 5-10 minutes. And then going for a walk in the cold didn't sound very pleasant.

There are always excuses.

I used to dream of days like these. Full days at home where I could get all the things done that I'd been wanting to do. But the thing is, when you have a possibly endless supply of these days, you start to want to spread the joy out a little bit. So I find I spend a lot of my time thinking about the things I'm going to do tomorrow.

I've been applying for some jobs. Right now I've been trying to keep it in the "things I really really want to do" category. Which, apparently, there aren't many of those things at those places that I'm qualified for.

I've also thought about starting my own thing. I thought about taking up dog walking as a business. I love dogs, dogs love me. It would get me exercise. I could set my own hours. But it's just not that simple. I should probably get certified and trained and that's $650. It's not that I wouldn't put that money into it, it's that I don't have that money. And the training is out of state which then you have to add in flight and hotel costs and I don't have that money. I'm unemployed, remember? We are also a one car family and I would need a car to bring the dogs to the park and I don't have that. I would just end up walking them around the neighborhood over and over again...and that's no fun for anybody.

I find myself wanting to be Cloud Cult's song "Running With the Wolves". Just run away from it all and find some farm to live on that magically doesn't cost anything and just grow tomatoes and play guitar all day. I wonder if they have an opening in their cult.

Also, this might be the best song ever.

I left my job with big ideas on how I was going to spend this time of unemployment. I was going to go out to local shows as much as I can and network and get my name out there. I was going to make a music video, because why not? I was going to get this house in tip top shape so that, if we decided it was best, we could sell it. I was going to work out everyday. I was going to focus on making my life what I want it to be.

And I guess like quitting smoking, just because you have one doesn't mean you've failed. I'm having a setback and I have to know that's okay.

But I also need to figure out what is going to propel me forward. I do not want my happiness to rely on some corporation offering me some job so that I can continue to pay my bills in a timely manner. That is the mindset that I have, though. That is the mindset I grew up with. Get a job so you can get your steady paycheck and benefits and someday when you are very old you will get to retire....maybe.

I kind of want to do a bunch of little things. Make money off of blogging and playing music and walking dogs and try to just make enough of it doing those things to get by.

Originally this was supposed to be a funny post about how I spend my days. But I guess I kind of went off instead. This is pretty much exactly how my days go anyway so I guess the post still had the same point...just not as funny.