Father's Day

I went to see my dad today. It is Father's Day after all. It's always difficult to go over there. My dad isn't getting any younger or healthier. He's never been a happy man and age and all the complications he's had from diabetes haven't made him any happier. His biggest concern is that he never wants to be a burden on anyone. And now, I think he feels like he is, though no one else thinks that.

He lives with my brother in a trailer house. He's miserable. He never gets out of the house. He lost his leg 10 years ago due to diabetes and his eyesight started to go shortly after. So he can't get around very easily. He finds it difficult to be around people since he can't really see who he's talking to. I think his mind isn't quite as sharp anymore, either. This is a new development. He tends to go off on tangents that have nothing to do with what's being talked about. He spaces out. It's hard to hold his attention.


He hates going to the doctor, which is why the diabetes got so bad in the first place. It was everything me and my siblings could do to finally get him going regularly and to get on insulin. But now he just found out that he can only get his insulin in 3 months doses, versus the year dosage he was getting before. This means he now has to go to the doctor every 3 months. This pisses him off and he says he's not going to go and is certain he can control his insulin levels on his own.

What sucks is that he won't go and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The one thing my dad wants is his dignity and you are not going to shove him into a car kicking and screaming like a baby. So what do you do? Do you let him go down this path that will certainly kill him? Or do you force him against his will to go take care of himself? The irony is that, by acting this way, he's become the burden that he never wanted to be. It's hard to say that, but it's true. I know everyone just wishes he would be a little more eager to enjoy the life that he still has. If he would just want to go outside once in a while. This is a man who used to spend every available moment he could outdoors. Hour and hours were spent lying in the sun, tanning in his bright orange speedos that he had my entire life. I'm sure they are still sitting in a drawer somewhere.

But instead he just wants to sit at the kitchen table and listen to sports radio. That's all he does. He lives ridiculous hours. Today he told me he gets up every night around midnight and cleans the house. I'm sure my brother is just thrilled by this.


But what can you do? I love my dad more than I could ever express in a stupid blog post. He is my world. When I was a teenager, I honestly thought that I would never be able to leave home because I could never leave him all alone. But then my sister took him in and I felt that I could begin my life.

And then I saw him less and less and life went on and visits were few and every time I leave I feel this ball of guilt just knot up in my stomach. I just want him to be my dad again and I know one of these days, probably sooner than I care to believe, he's going to be even less of my dad. And I don't know if I can handle that.


But I don't know how to fix it. Because, really, how can you fix it? He's old and his health is deteriorating. That's what happens in life.

While at my dad's today, my brother's mother (confusing, yes) and her husband came over. These two used to be the life of the party. But Kurt, the new husband, had a stroke a few years ago and he's basically catatonic. He just sat there and stared. When I asked her how she's been, she said they've "been surviving". I just never want that to be the answer I give. She just seemed beaten. She said they don't get out much anymore.


It's just all so sad. Getting old. At some point you must just sit back and think, what the hell happened?


And, like my dad, I never want to be a burden on anyone. Which is another reason why I never want to have kids. I'll just let the state take care of me.

So, yeah, this was how I spent Father's Day. Contemplating life and death and just feeling all around blue. It's a beautiful day outside, too. The first one in a long time. I just wish I wasn't feeling so blah now.


Anyway, I love my dad. I'm glad he's my dad. As stubborn as he is.