Joyful Girl: Ani Difranco At First Avenue 9/23/12

I am so glad I went to see Ani Difranco last night. I would have missed a fantastic show.

I was by myself, which was nice because it made me more mobile – or really less mobile as I found a spot up front and stayed there for the 45 minutes pre-opener, all through the opener and all through Ani. But being myself made it so I took up less space and made it easier to find that spot up front.

In the 15 or so years I’ve been going to Ani Difranco concerts, I’ve never been that close. There was one show some years ago where I had seats at the very back of the auditorium and some people left and stopped at my seat and said they had been sitting in the third row but they have to leave so we can have their seats. It was very random and very kind and we did move and we were close, but not as close as I was last night.

It makes all the difference in the world and is totally worth it to get a spot up front – especially for an artist you really love. All the bullshit happens behind you and you don’t notice it. You just are able to focus and have a fantastic time. It really feels like you’re a part of the show.

There was a fight that almost broke out next to me and I just don’t understand why she attracts such assholes for fans. Obviously, not all of them. But a large portion of them are super unruly jerks who are really disrespectful. It’s very strange. The guy had to be escorted out by security.

Ani, though…Ani was fantastic.

She’s pregnant again and you could just see the belly emerging, but she still bounced around as much as ever. I can’t begin to say how inspiring it is to watch her as a performer and a songwriter. I usually leave most live shows wanting to play my guitar all night long, but with her I want to dive in and write a whole album and run out and perform it. I learned to play guitar by learning her songs. She’s always inspired me and 16 + years later, it’s still no different. 

It was also her 42nd birthday and everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to her.

She broke out a really old song that I don’t think anyone ever expected her to ever play again. “The Whole Night” is from her second album from all the way back in 1992 and I don’t think she’s played it since then. It was a great version and that alone was worth the ticket fee.

Well, that, and she played “Joyful Girl”, my favorite song of hers and another one she doesn’t pull out that often. It was beautiful. I almost cried. 

She seemed to be in such a joyful mood, too. Maybe it's that whole pregnancy glow thing - or the fact that it was her birthday - but she seemed to be having a really good time. She just seems genuinely happy. It was good energy.

And I got a set list! My first Ani set list. These are sort of collector’s items if you’re a fan of hers. It will be framed.

I also must mention the opener Pearl and the Beard. They were spectacular. Super energetic, foot stomping, harmonic and playful. Check ‘em out.

Tonight: Ani Difranco at First Avenue: Take 2

Life is so circular. It was this exact day last year, the day after we put Murray down, that my husband and I went to see Ani Difranco at Pantages Theater. It was exactly what I needed at the time. I quiet folk show full of overly sensitive songs that I could sit in the dark and cry to.

Tonight, Ani is back again. But this time she is at First Avenue. She played there a couple of years ago and it just isn't the venue for her - or really for her fans. I love First Avenue. By far one of my favorite places in general. But Ani's fans can be such assholes and they really let themselves shine in that environment. Easy access to booze, no assigned seats, it just really brings out this crazy aggressive, bitchy behavior in this particular group of people - which is so strange considering the type of music that's being played while people act this way.

The last time she played there, I ended up leaving early because people were such dicks, I couldn't have a good time.

So I almost didn't go this time.

But then I heard that she is pregnant again and she has some new songs to debut and I thought, well, I have to hear the new songs and if she's going to have a second kid - her already slowed down schedule is going to get even slower and what if she doesn't come back for years? So I broke down and bought a ticket on Monday.

Fingers crossed that people aren't dicks. I'm going alone, as well. So I plan on getting up front and staying there. I'm interested in seeing the opening band, Pearl and the Beard, too,  so that should work out well.

One Year Later

One year ago today, we put Murray down. Time caught up with him. He couldn't walk anymore. It was time.

I believe in a post a few days later, I mentioned how before we know it, one year will have gone by without him and how strange that will be. And now one year has gone by and it went by fast. I think when I wrote that, I thought for sure by now that I would be over it. That I would have moved on. That the grieving period would be done.  And that thought scared me. The thought that I could possibly get over him. But, it's not done. I still tear up at just the thought of him.  And  now that scares me. Will this feeling every go away? I just miss him so much.

We have talks about getting another dog in the Spring...I wonder how that will be and what that will do for all of these Murray thoughts. 

I just wish he was here. 

Below is a letter to him I wrote a few days after his last day. I can't even begin to read it right now.  But I'm glad I wrote it. I look forward to reading it again someday. 

I miss you so much, Pumpkin. Mommy will always love you.

Murray -

You were a good boy. You were the best one. You were my babydog and my little pumpkin pie. You were a brown dog with a white patch on your chest that you rarely let anyone see. Your nose was dark and long with freckles. You once loved to get your belly rubbed, but that changed after you got fleas that one fall. Your teeth started to hurt and you loved it when I rubbed your jaw really really hard. It left white flecks of your graying beard all over my clothes. You shed like crazy. There will be hair forever in this house. You were the best one. I found you on the internet. You had a red bandana on and you looked ridiculous. They said you growled at a kid at some PetSmart adoption day and they were going to put you down because of it, but then Second Chance came along and saved you and we got to love you. We think you were 5 years old. The first night you slept in our house, Dad and I felt like we had to whisper so we wouldn't wake you up. We had no idea how to act around you. We bought you a cat, an elephant, and a duck. You would run up and down those wooden stairs with no problem, always there to greet us when we came home. Once you were scared of the rug in the den and wouldn't go on it for a while. Not sure what that was about. You loved, loved, loved your "ducks" - that's what we called all of your toys: ducks. You loved to lick them. Always. You never tore them apart - which is why we still have every single one of them. And you had a lot of them. You had so much love to give. I am so lucky to have been a receiver of that love. I think your favorite ducks were your Original Duck, Pig, Raccoon, and Beaver. You loved to get your kong every morning. You originally got junk food treats like little hamburgers and snausages, but then we switched it up to Bil Jac Gooberliciousnesses - or whatever they were called. You had two dog friends: Katie and Scout. You bit three people, but everyone knows how very sweet you really are and everyone forgave you. You only let your dad and I and sometimes grandma touch your feet - but you never liked it. You did not like when people got in your face - hence the biting. But you always let me and your dad get as close as we wanted and you were always happy to give us lots of kisses. You had the biggest brightest smile. The first trip to Michigan , you jumped on top of the boat - repeatedly. You seemed to think it was hilarious. It was. You were so happy there. You never had to be tied up or on a leash. You loved to swim and would just lay down in the water. One time when we were walking in the park with Kimi, we went up to a pond and you walked in a laid down. That was the first time I ever saw you do that. It was so goofy. You used to pull on your leash so hard it made my hand raw. I had to wrap a plastic bag around my hand when we went for walks so it wouldn't hurt. In Michigan, you loved to chase real ducks. We would have to go chasing after you in the water, you would go so far out we would get worried. You used to sometimes sleep in bed with us. Dad would have to hang his feet off because you would sprawl. Back when our bed was just a mattress on the floor, you would crawl up with me on the weekends and let me cuddle with you. It made me so happy. We loved Sunday morning cuddles. You had gross eye and had to get it removed . You loved to mark your territory. You couldn't go two feet on a walk without stopping to pee on something. We used to call it your job. It's not a mailbox. Time to get up and go to work, Murray! At grandmas, you would spend all day peeing everywhere that Scout and Katie had gone. You ate Bil Jac food. You even picked it out. I placed three bowls of different food in front of you and you picked Bil Jac. You stayed in a hotel room with us once when the power went out. I don't think you liked it. On the way home the night we got you, you sat stared out the back window of the car. I thought you were the cutest thing ever. You were. When we first met you, you walked right up to us and sat at our feet. When we bought our new house, you excitedly ran from room to room to check it all out. You used to run down the basement stairs to hang out with whoever was watching TV down there. You would come running and jump right up on the couch (your old bed) and hang out. One time when dad was out of town and there was a really nasty storm, you and I curled up on that little couch in the basement and waited it out. Both of us shaking and scared. You laid right on top of me. You hated thunderstorms. You would keep us up at night shaking on the bed, so scared. One of us would have to get up and sleep in the living room with you with the TV on. That seemed to calm you down. There were many sleepless night because of that. You loved to chase squirrels and rabbits. You loved to bark at other dogs. You would stand in the back yard and just bark at Solo's house for hours. You did not like Solo. You LOVED your soccer ball. I think your happiest times were playing soccer in the back yard with your dad. You would chase and chase that thing until you learned how to pick it up. Then you would just pick it up and carry it away. One time at grandma's you laid down in the kiddie pool. Your first day home alone, you chewed up the door frame of the room we had you in. We crated you for a while, but then when we decided to give you free reign of the house, you were a perfect little angel dog. You were my little angel baby. You became my little old man. You wore a red collar. You loved your collar. At the old house, you rarely had it on since we had a fenced in yard. But you would be so happy when we put it back on you. You used to love to get brushed, but again after the fleas, you stopped liking it. You got heartworm and couldn't play for a month. That was when we first got you. It broke my heart. You had the worst breath. The Worst. I would give anything to smell your breath right now. When your hair got long, it looked like you had muppet feet. You had the littlest feet. I don't know how they supported you. You had two favorite games: Throw the Duck Down the Hall and See Who Could Get the Duck Off the Couch First. Because of these games, I missed whole sections of Lost. But that's okay. You got two milkbones with dinner and one little liver treat. We used to just give you the liver treat because it was a good way to give you your pill. But then we started wrapping your pills in tofurkey and just gave you the liver treat as an appetizer. You LOVED cheese. I couldn't even touch the wrapper of string cheese without you going bonkers. I would have to have two every time because you would always get half. You were always underfoot. You had to follow us everywhere. There were times I would not do something because I didn't want you to have to get up. You loved to go for walks. You loved the futon at the cottages. I swear you thought they were the greatest invention ever. You had green bean casserole once and I had never seen you enjoy a meal more. You had a voice that we gave you. I don't know how to not do that voice. You dug a hole behind the porch to lay in. Sometimes when it was just the two of us, we would have dance parties. You were the best dance partner. You would turn in circles and stomp your feet, occasionally you would jump a little. You had the sweetest face. You were the best one. You went to PetSmart to get groomed. It would take 3-4 hours. You came back from Michigan the first time with dreadlocks in your hair from being in the water so much. Next time we made sure to get you a haircut first. You loved us so much. Everyone said that they never saw a dog look at a human the way you looked at us. That made me so happy. I hope you were happy with us. I made up song for you. Well, one was just the "you're the end of the rainbow, my pot of gold..." song. But the others were "Good boy, Murray Dog" sung to the tune of "Good ship Lollipop". It went:You're a good boy, Murray Dog Such a sweet boy, Murray Dog and his momma loves him so much boop boop bi doo (kiss) and "Murray Is A Good Boy" sung to the tune of "18 and Life". It went: Murray is a good boy, he has a heart of gold. That's as far as we got. We were still working on the rest of it. Your name was Murray. You were very furry. You were in a hurry. You were always worried. You were the best one. Mommy loves you so much, buddy. You loved Derek and Jen. They were your favorites. You liked to stick your nose in the snow. When you would get ice in your paw on walks, you would just "go limp" even in the middle of the street. Wed have to drag you. We joked that you were "too smart" for obedience school, that's why you dropped out. When we first got you, you would go lay down far away when we ate. You never begged. But then I started feeding you table scraps and you learned quickly. You had your own bedroom for a while with your own Big Bed. You would sleep on that big full bed all by yourself, head on the pillow, sprawled in the sunlight. You looked so comfortable. I always wished I could get that comfortable. You never shook yourself dry. You would just stand there and drip. And as soon as you were dry, you would jump back in the water. We used to say "ears up for safety!" You loved Texas Toast - it was dessert bread. You loved taco night, but don't get too close to the oven or it would be hairfire. I think you're favorite times were when dad would sit on the low chair in front of the TV playing video games and I would be on the computer next to him and you would lay down on the floor in between, licking your ducks. Those were my favorite times, too. You were the best one. You were my best friend. You were my baby. My little pumpkin pie. Mommy loves you so much. Big kisses. I miss you more than I thought I could ever miss anything. It physically hurts not having you here. I would give anything to have you back. I want to touch your nose, I want to squeeze you. I want to give you lots of kisses right between the eyes. Thank you for being my dog and thank you for letting me be your mom. Even with the pain I have now, I don't regret a single thing. I would do it all over again. You were the best one. Thank you for being my little boy. I love you, babydog.

The Reasons All Have Run Away, But The Feeling Never Did

Sometimes I will hear a song that I’ve heard a billion times before and it will just make me stop and sit and stare and soak it in. I love when this happens. It’s happening right now with Bright Eye’s “Lua”:

I love this song and it has a very sweet meaning to me that I refuse to share because it’s so special. So I’ve always loved this song and it’s not that I love it more at this moment, but it just stopped me in my tracks right now with its beautiful simplicity. I want to put it on repeat and never stop listening to it because right now it is warming my heart in a way that I can’t even begin to explain.

There’s a lot of this going on right now with songs that had sort of just become songs I know that are now holding me hostage when I hear them. I don’t think I’ve experienced so much change in a single span of time than I have in the past 18 months. Everything is different now and these songs from the past sort of keep me in check and remind of all the things that brought me to where I am today – wherever that is.

Tomorrow is my last day off of work where I will be in our house with all the freedom in the world to crank the stereo as loud as it can go and sing at the top of my lungs and not have to worry about others. And I plan to do both of those things. The stereo will go on as soon as I get up and it will be loud and I will listen to all of my favorite songs as loud as I can. Then I will turn to my own guitar and play and sing with everything I can.  Because the next time I will be in a new place and the music will have to be quieter and I’ll have to work on my own songs a little quieter.

Luckily, all of my new songs are super sad quiet ditties about my dead dog and grieving. So that should help with the transition.

Can’t you just wait to hear them??? (sarcasm)

This morning I also heard “Bankrupt On Selling” by Modest Mouse. It had been a while. It also stopped me in my tracks. I always loved this song, too. This one brings me right back to being 20 years old and living in my first apartment in the city.

I should start making a playlist for tomorrow.

Moving Sale Full Of Memories

So we're moving. Soon. And since we're downsizing, we had to have a moving sale. I've never had one before. It was weird. And exhausting. And strangely filthy. I was so covered in grime when it was over...I have no idea where that came from.

It was also sad. Here's all this stuff that we've acquired through the years...not just our years together, but throughout our lives....here it is sitting outside with random strangers pawing through it all trying to haggle the price down from $1 to 50 cents and sure, most of would be considered junk. But it's our junk. It's meaningless to all of these people, but I could think of something to say about 99% of the stuff  we sold.

But even so, there's no reason to hang on to it anymore. So off it went. We sold most of it and got rid of all the big furniture we no longer wanted and did not want to have to lug to the new place. One less thing to stress over.

One of those pieces of furniture was Murray's favorite chair. Long before he died, we had moved the chair out of the den and into the basement - it had just become a little too over-dogged to be in an area other people might see it or accidentally sit in it. But I always felt bad. He loved that chair. It was really hard to see it go.

I miss his little feet. 

Moving on...

My forearms are killing me from moving furniture back and forth for two days and I'm sunburned from sitting outside for two days in probably the most beautiful weather we've had all summer. Even the top of my head is burned. Not sure how that happened. Hopefully I don't have a bald spot I'm unaware of.

It's amazing what people will buy or take because it's cheap or free. You tell someone something is 25 cents and they will take it home with them like they've just gotten away with some big steal when really it's just an old suitcase that has been buried in the basement for 7 years with a broken zipper. But it's 25 cents so hey, a bargain. Congratulations and thank you for taking it off our hands.

We still have bags of junk that was unsellable that we need to get rid of. 7 years in one place is the longest I've ever spent and so much has been acquired and stored.

And though there were things at the sale that I was happy to see go, there was so much that I was so happy made it through and that we get to hang on to. Things are just things, yes. But sometimes it's nice to hang onto those things...like these:

Spice Girls Barbie Dolls. Ginger Spice had quit the group when I bought these so I didn't buy her out of protest. 

I'm really rambling on as it's 9:49 on a Sunday night and I probably shouldn't try to write a blog this late on a Sunday. It's too hard to focus. I'm tired from a busy weekend and should really be in bed.

So that's what I will be doing now.

See? Not quite sure how to end this post.

I could just keep going with these little sentences.

But I am really tired.

Bed sounds good.

Off I go.

Here's to a good week ahead. And to Murray's chair.

Acadia Part 2

Not a whole lot to say about last night, just that it went much much better than Saturday. I played by myself again, but stuck to songs that I’ve actually performed in the past year. But, I also played a couple of new ones – but strangely I always feel comfortable playing those because those are the ones I sit around at home playing so they are stuck in my brain.

I was just having a lot of fun up there. Sometimes my mind gets so overcrowded with all the other logistics with shows - will people show up, what time do I start, how much time do I get, will my guitar work (it always does, but I never feel 100% that it will), where is everyone, do I get drink tickets (important stuff, folks) – that by the time I get on stage my brain is fried or so completely cluttered that I can’t focus. This is also a problem in my day to day life. I need to learn to clear my brain.

Which is what I did last night. I decided not to worry about anything else and just play and I did and I had a great time and think it was one of my better solo sets.

So hooray!

Set list for Acadia Sept. 11, 2012

• Good
• The Party
• Minnesota
• The Paul Simon Song
• Can't Even Tell
• Oh, Sun
• Lord, I Have Made You a Place in My Heart (Greg Brown cover)
• Easy to Blame
• Beg, Borrow, or Steal
• Introvert (first time played!)
• Adore

Amanda Palmer, Theatre is Evil, & How Things Are Done

Amanda Palmer’s new album Theatre is Evil officially comes out tomorrow. But if you were one of the thousands of Kickstarter backers for this project (like me) you should already have your copy (like me).

I held off giving money to her Kickstarter campaign at first because I was a little put off by it. I’m a late bloomer to the Amanda Palmer party. I’d heard of the Dresden Dolls, but never got around to them. Somehow I heard a song or two from her solo release, Who Killed Amanda Palmer?, and fell in love with it and have loved her ever since.

But one thing that always irked me was her stance as this uber-independent doing it all on her own artist when, in reality, she was on a major label for quite a while and no matter what happened there, it doesn’t change the fact that being on a major label that gives you money to tour and promote yourself certainly helps to build a fan base that can then turnaround and give you over a million dollars to make your next album.

(run on sentence much?)

Of course, I’m sure Amanda Palmer worked her ass off pre-major label just to get signed in the first place. It’s all perspective, I guess. Also, this goes without saying, but kudos to her for acknowledging her very dedicated fanbase and knowing that they will support her in any way they can to hear new music by her.

This irks me even more when there is an artist out there – Ani Difranco – who really has done it on her own since the very beginning and probably could do a Kickstarter and raise millions if she learned how to utilize the internet better. Obviously, this is no fault of Amanda's. It's more of a: My god, lady! Look what you could be doing, too! Use it! Use us, your fans! WE WANT TO HELP YOU!!!

 

SO…

Major label or no major label, the woman is a workhorse, a hell of a songwriter and performer, and really knows how to use the internet and social media to get her brand and her message across and you just can’t overlook that. It’s incredibly inspiring. And daunting.

As someone trying to get my music out there from scratch and at an older age than an 18 year old Ani Difranco back in 1990, finding the time to throw myself into all of this is not easy. I’ve already given up most of what I can in my life to even get a couple of records out. The dream to become a working musician these days goes way beyond having good songs and talent. An artist’s image came to importance with music videos in the 80s. If you didn’t look the part, people didn’t want you. And now you have to be an ace business person excelling at marketing, promotion, writing, public relations, finance, website building, schmoozing and often you have to be good at directing and producing your own videos.

The people who can do all of that are few and far between.

Amanda Palmer is one of the few.

And she has the music to back it up.

Her new album is taking some time for me – though I’ve only had it for just under a week. It’s big. Very big. It is a Grand Theft Orchestra, after all. Lots of big verses and big choruses and big arrangements. The songs are long; shifting constantly, their moods changing and altering just as you settle in with where you think the songs want you to be. On the surface, the depth that you’d find in her previous recordings seems to be missing – replaced with dance beats and 80s synths. But just dig out the lyric book and you will find it there. The words still cut and catch you if you listen.

It’s been on repeat in my car for the past week. I haven’t had the chance to really sit with it – I mean, really sit and listen to it – yet. Mainly checking out songs that peaked my interest in the car when I can. I hope to put the headphones on and sink into it soon.

Or crank it in the living room while I clean. Because it definitely has a dance around the house vibe to it.

 The point?

Go buy Theatre is Evil. And go buy some Ani Difranco albums, too. I put links there to make it easy. Support independent music. Support the arts. Support inventive new ways of doing things. Go see some live music. It's often the only way musicians make money anymore. We'd all love to make a living doing what we love. You're already listening to music and you need something to do on Friday night. Go see bands at the bars in town. There. Now you're also supporting local business.

And, if you have anything left over, you can get my albums here: http://nikibecker.bandcamp.com/