Things I Need

1. My dog to be alive and well (no brainer)

2. My cold to go away. Cold, I am done with you. Be gone. You've had your time. I've dealt with you rather well up til now. But now I am done.

3. This pain in my back to end. It's become increasingly worse over the past couple of days. I can't even bend over now. I don't think I thought my new desk at work out as well as I should have.

4. For the universe to just calm the fuck down for a little while so I can get my life back on track.

Thank you

Last Night

Today is the one week anniversary of Murray’s last day. Last Wednesday I arrived home from work at my usual time – though I think my bus had been running a little late. It does that lately. I walked in the door and greeted the home with my usual “Hello! Murray! Mommy’s home!” I went to the kitchen and dealt with my handful of mail and my purse and keys and all that junk. I called for him again. I wasn’t too concerned when I didn’t hear him because sometimes he’s sound asleep when I get home and I have to go wake him up, but there was something deep down that made my stomach flip a bit.

I walked around the corner to the hallway, still calling his name to wake him up. I saw him laying in the entry to the den, eyes lit up, ears up, panting, looking so relieved I was finally home. I saw the piece of poo laying behind him and assumed, as has happened before, that he realized he was about to go in the house and took off for the hall to get outside (not that he could get outside when no one was home), but instead fell and couldn’t get himself up on the slippery hardwood floors.

About a couple of weeks before, I had found him in the same position in front of the front door. I managed to get a rug underneath him and then helped him up. He was standing and jumping down the stairs and getting up and down on his own right away.

This time, even with a rug, I couldn’t get him to stay up on his own. He had also peed. He never peed in the house.

I tried and tried and tried to get him to just stand without falling down, but I couldn’t get him to stand still to catch his balance. At this point, my heart was sinking because I knew.

Matt got home about 25 minutes later. He was able to get Murray up and outside and walking. I was on the phone with the vet at this point and was thinking that he might be okay, since he was walking. But then he tried to go poo again and he couldn’t hold his hips right, I had to help him.

But I still thought that he just needed to get his strength back. He was eating and seemed interested in things and wanted to do things.

But he kept falling down and could not get himself back up.

I emailed the vet and said we would be bringing him in the next morning. I didn’t say it was time, but I knew.

I brought his bed into the den and got him to lay down on it. We brought water in there and fed him his goober treats. We placed his Pig “duck” next to him and he licked him as he always did. We tried to watch The Simpsons and have a normal night because, maybe he would be better by morning after taking his pills and relaxing.

But as the night wore on, Matt and I just kind of looked at each other and knew. What could we do? If a dog can’t get up anymore, what can you do? I always thought when it would be his time to go that he would give me a look or that he would be vacant and distant and want nothing to do with anything. But his mind was there. He was sharp. He wanted to give me kisses. That’s what made it so hard.

He was obviously in pain. I slept on the couch next to him and all night long woke up to him panting heavily and crying. The next morning he was still unable to get up on his own.

Matt managed to get him outside for one last backyard walk. The vet called and I told them that I think it’s time.

We got him into the car and I crawled into the backseat with him with visions in my head of him curling up in my lap and me kissing him on the forehead the whole ride.

Instead he crawled in with his bottom facing me and then pooped. He was generally kind of gross.

I think the thing I’m having the hardest time with is when we got to the vet, they put us in a room and Murray was up and wandering. The vet came in and she asked how he was and if he’s eating and I said yes, his upper half is normal. He’s eating and interested in things but his bottom half has quit. She said, “Oh!” like maybe he’s not that bad. But I turned to her and said, “No, it’s time.” I never gave her a chance to give us all of the options. Maybe there was something we could have done. Maybe I was just too tired.

I’m sure she just said that because back in June, when we were thisclose to putting him down after he had a particularly bad day, I wouldn’t let her and asked to take him home for one last day and then he got better. I’m sure she just didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

But that’s what killed me. He did get better. Maybe he could have gotten better again.

But I was just too tired.

Matt assures me it was time and we did the right thing and he wouldn’t have let it happen no matter how tired I was if he didn’t think it was time.

I just wish I could be certain.

Instead, I’m sitting here at work on the anniversary of his last day and doing what I can to hold it together. Being sick has made crying and grieving physically painful. My nose will have started to clear and I’ll start to cry and it clogs back up and makes it impossible to breathe and gives me an automatic headache.

So, as I said I would, here’s 25 Songs That Play At Work While I’m Sick. I think I had said I would make this a light-hearted post when I did this. But, oh well. It also doesn’t help that it’s like my iPod knows and mostly plays the darkest and saddest songs.

1. “Them” – Mimicking Birds
2. “Daisy and Prudence” – Erin McKeown
3. “Come Talk to Me” – Peter Gabriel
4. “Splishy Splashy” – Lisa Hannigan
5. “USA Up All Nite” – Middlepicker
6. “Record Collector” – Lissie
7. “Soul vs. Meat” – Birds of Virginia
8. “Great Heron Gates” – Earlimart
9. “Me and You Cherry Red” – Vampire Hands
10. “Between the Bars” – Elliott Smith
11. “The Water” – Haley Bonar
12. “Black Door” – Pink Mink
13. “Ask” – The Smiths
14. “New Kanada” – Solid Gold
15. “Spanish Bombs” – The Clash
16. “Us” – Haley Bonar
17. “Halah” – Mazzy Star
18. “Doubt” – Wye Oak
19. “Still Can’t” – The Cranberries
20. “Railroad Man” – The Eels
21. “Worthy of Your Esteem” – Hayden
22. “Booby Prize” – Pink Mink
23. “Sun Don’t Shine” – Haley Bonar
24. “Astronaut” – Amanda Palmer
25. “Wake Up Your Saints” – The National

Day 5

So, today I woke up and I was sick. All these months of worrying and worrying about getting sick because there was always something going on to look forward to finally caught up with me. I finally had something of real importance to distract my cells from fighting the cold and flu germs that have been floating around me.

And, I don’t care.

For the first time in a long time, I don’t care that I’m sick. So what? It doesn’t really matter.

I haven’t truly had to grieve something like this in a long time. I lost a lot of people in my life when I was young. My mother, my friend, my nephews, all of my grandparents…but this is my first real adult grieving. The first time I’ve lost someone I love so much that all that love is now just hovering on my shoulders, pushing me down and begging me to put it somewhere because with each day it turns into something uglier and sadder.

It’s been 5 days. Only 5 days. Already 5 days. It will be a week without him before I know it. A week. A whole week. Then a month. Suddenly it will be a year and I will be older and dogless and reading this back and remembering this sadness. I should allow myself this sadness, but the world doesn’t allow it. He was “just a dog” after all – not realizing that for someone who never plans to have children, he was my child. And my child died. And for fuck’s sake that’s about all I can care or think about right now.

But how long does this go on? I know no one can say for sure. It’s different for everyone. I’ve already managed to get through today only crying once. Work can offer a decent distraction. Not because I have something to do to take my mind off of it, but because I’m not surrounded by memories of him. He lives everywhere at home. Every little thing is a reminder.

I put his stuff away on Sunday. Packed his bed in a box with most of his toys and put it in the basement on his old couch – his original bed. It was the perfect sized couch for him. I kept some of his toys upstairs in his toy closet. There they sit, looking at me and seemingly at once waiting for him and assuring me that a part of him will be there forever in them. Two of them are displayed on a shelf for the time being where I can pick them up and hold them. They still smell of him.

I had band practice yesterday and it scared me how much I had to force myself into caring about these songs. These songs that not a week ago were so important to me and were all I could think about at all times. When I originally envisioned this album, it was going to be a happy popish album. Even its title was the name of my happy place. But it turned dark quickly. 2011 has been a shitty year. One of my worst. Could possibly be the worst. We still have a few months to go. And funny thing is, I think that happy place has now turned into a place of sadness. I can’t imagine ever going back there. There would be too many reminders.

So I just keep writing. Whether it be here or in Facebook status updates (I’m sure all of my friends love the horribly depressing updates I keep posting), actually putting pen to paper, and songwriting. I tried to write my feelings down in a song yesterday. It came out as the most trite, Taylor Swift-y song imaginable. But I had to do it. And it felt good to sing about it.

I’m trying to find things to look forward to. There are things there. Shows to play. Trips to take. Songs to record. But it’s hard to be happy about things. It’s hard to want to be happy about things. There is an instant sense of betrayal that happens. I never want to forget him. Getting over this means I’m forgetting. And I don’t want to forget.

But, life goes on. It has to. People make it so. Work has to be done. Bills have to be paid. Homes need to be lived in. Colds have to be fought.

I like to think that someday I’ll be able to love another dog. Save another one from the horrors of the pound and take him into my heart and love him like Murray – and not feel bad about it. I like to think that. It gives me hope.

And as people have been telling me: Every tear counts. And I seem to have a bottomless well of them that keep bubbling to the surface. I know someday that well will dry and there won’t be a thing I can do about it. And somedays, long after that happens, it will hit me and I will break down out of the blue. I know these things.

I need to be okay with these things.

I need to not feel guilty.

I need to know it was the right time.

I need to know he’s not mad at me.

I need to know he knows I love him so much.

And I need a t-shirt that says: My Dog Died so people understand what is wrong with me and I don’t have to say it every day.

I need some days off so I can rest and recoup. But I have no vacation or sick time. It has been used up on broken pipes and dying dogs.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll post a 25 Songs While I’m Sick At Work. Because I will be here at work. Sick. And maybe a stupid post will be another good distraction.

Or maybe I’ll write another rambling post. Because that will be what I need.

I just wish I knew how to do this.

To The Best One

Murray -

You were a good boy. You were the best one. You were my babydog and my little pumpkin pie. You were a brown dog with a white patch on your chest that you rarely let anyone see. Your nose was dark and long with freckles. You once loved to get your belly rubbed, but that changed after you got fleas that one fall. Your teeth started to hurt and you loved it when I rubbed your jaw really really hard. It left white flecks of your graying beard all over my clothes. You shed like crazy. There will be hair forever in this house. You were the best one. I found you on the internet. You had a red bandana on and you looked ridiculous. They said you growled at a kid at some PetSmart adoption day and they were going to put you down because of it, but then Second Chance came along and saved you and we got to love you. We think you were 5 years old. The first night you slept in our house, Dad and I felt like we had to whisper so we wouldn't wake you up. We had no idea how to act around you. We bought you a cat, an elephant, and a duck. You would run up and down those wooden stairs with no problem, always there to greet us when we came home. Once you were scared of the rug in the den and wouldn't go on it for a while. Not sure what that was about. You loved, loved, loved your "ducks" - that's what we called all of your toys: ducks. You loved to lick them. Always. You never tore them apart - which is why we still have every single one of them. And you had a lot of them. You had so much love to give. I am so lucky to have been a receiver of that love. I think your favorite ducks were your Original Duck, Pig, Raccoon, and Beaver. You loved to get your kong every morning. You originally got junk food treats like little hamburgers and snausages, but then we switched it up to Bil Jac Gooberliciousnesses - or whatever they were called. You had two dog friends: Katie and Scout. You bit three people, but everyone knows how very sweet you really are and everyone forgave you. You only let your dad and I and sometimes grandma touch your feet - but you never liked it. You did not like when people got in your face - hence the biting. But you always let me and your dad get as close as we wanted and you were always happy to give us lots of kisses. You had the biggest brightest smile. The first trip to Michigan , you jumped on top of the boat - repeatedly. You seemed to think it was hilarious. It was. You were so happy there. You never had to be tied up or on a leash. You loved to swim and would just lay down in the water. One time when we were walking in the park with Kimi, we went up to a pond and you walked in a laid down. That was the first time I ever saw you do that. It was so goofy. You used to pull on your leash so hard it made my hand raw. I had to wrap a plastic bag around my hand when we went for walks so it wouldn't hurt. In Michigan, you loved to chase real ducks. We would have to go chasing after you in the water, you would go so far out we would get worried. You used to sometimes sleep in bed with us. Dad would have to hang his feet off because you would sprawl. Back when our bed was just a mattress on the floor, you would crawl up with me on the weekends and let me cuddle with you. It made me so happy. We loved Sunday morning cuddles. You had gross eye and had to get it removed . You loved to mark your territory. You couldn't go two feet on a walk without stopping to pee on something. We used to call it your job. It's not a mailbox. Time to get up and go to work, Murray! At grandmas, you would spend all day peeing everywhere that Scout and Katie had gone. You ate Bil Jac food. You even picked it out. I placed three bowls of different food in front of you and you picked Bil Jac. You stayed in a hotel room with us once when the power went out. I don't think you liked it. On the way home the night we got you, you sat stared out the back window of the car. I thought you were the cutest thing ever. You were. When we first met you, you walked right up to us and sat at our feet. When we bought our new house, you excitedly ran from room to room to check it all out. You used to run down the basement stairs to hang out with whoever was watching TV down there. You would come running and jump right up on the couch (your old bed) and hang out. One time when dad was out of town and there was a really nasty storm, you and I curled up on that little couch in the basement and waited it out. Both of us shaking and scared. You laid right on top of me. You hated thunderstorms. You would keep us up at night shaking on the bed, so scared. One of us would have to get up and sleep in the living room with you with the TV on. That seemed to calm you down. There were many sleepless night because of that. You loved to chase squirrels and rabbits. You loved to bark at other dogs. You would stand in the back yard and just bark at Solo's house for hours. You did not like Solo. You LOVED your soccer ball. I think your happiest times were playing soccer in the back yard with your dad. You would chase and chase that thing until you learned how to pick it up. Then you would just pick it up and carry it away. One time at grandma's you laid down in the kiddie pool. Your first day home alone, you chewed up the door frame of the room we had you in. We crated you for a while, but then when we decided to give you free reign of the house, you were a perfect little angel dog. You were my little angel baby. You became my little old man. You wore a red collar. You loved your collar. At the old house, you rarely had it on since we had a fenced in yard. But you would be so happy when we put it back on you. You used to love to get brushed, but again after the fleas, you stopped liking it. You got heartworm and couldn't play for a month. That was when we first got you. It broke my heart. You had the worst breath. The Worst. I would give anything to smell your breath right now. When your hair got long, it looked like you had muppet feet. You had the littlest feet. I don't know how they supported you. You had two favorite games: Throw the Duck Down the Hall and See Who Could Get the Duck Off the Couch First. Because of these games, I missed whole sections of Lost. But that's okay. You got two milkbones with dinner and one little liver treat. We used to just give you the liver treat because it was a good way to give you your pill. But then we started wrapping your pills in tofurkey and just gave you the liver treat as an appetizer. You LOVED cheese. I couldn't even touch the wrapper of string cheese without you going bonkers. I would have to have two every time because you would always get half. You were always underfoot. You had to follow us everywhere. There were times I would not do something because I didn't want you to have to get up. You loved to go for walks. You loved the futon at the cottages. I swear you thought they were the greatest invention ever. You had green bean casserole once and I had never seen you enjoy a meal more. You had a voice that we gave you. I don't know how to not do that voice. You dug a hole behind the porch to lay in. Sometimes when it was just the two of us, we would have dance parties. You were the best dance partner. You would turn in circles and stomp your feet, occasionally you would jump a little. You had the sweetest face. You were the best one. You went to PetSmart to get groomed. It would take 3-4 hours. You came back from Michigan the first time with dreadlocks in your hair from being in the water so much. Next time we made sure to get you a haircut first. You loved us so much. Everyone said that they never saw a dog look at a human the way you looked at us. That made me so happy. I hope you were happy with us. I made up song for you. Well, one was just the "you're the end of the rainbow, my pot of gold..." song. But the others were "Good boy, Murray Dog" sung to the tune of "Good ship Lollipop". It went:You're a good boy, Murray Dog Such a sweet boy, Murray Dog and his momma loves him so much boop boop bi doo (kiss) and "Murray Is A Good Boy" sung to the tune of "18 and Life". It went: Murray is a good boy, he has a heart of gold. That's as far as we got. We were still working on the rest of it. Your name was Murray. You were very furry. You were in a hurry. You were always worried. You were the best one. Mommy loves you so much, buddy. You loved Derek and Jen. They were your favorites. You liked to stick your nose in the snow. When you would get ice in your paw on walks, you would just "go limp" even in the middle of the street. Wed have to drag you. We joked that you were "too smart" for obedience school, that's why you dropped out. When we first got you, you would go lay down far away when we ate. You never begged. But then I started feeding you table scraps and you learned quickly. You had your own bedroom for a while with your own Big Bed. You would sleep on that big full bed all by yourself, head on the pillow, sprawled in the sunlight. You looked so comfortable. I always wished I could get that comfortable. You never shook yourself dry. You would just stand there and drip. And as soon as you were dry, you would jump back in the water. We used to say "ears up for safety!" You loved Texas Toast - it was dessert bread. You loved taco night, but don't get too close to the oven or it would be hairfire. I think you're favorite times were when dad would sit on the low chair in front of the TV playing video games and I would be on the computer next to him and you would lay down on the floor in between, licking your ducks. Those were my favorite times, too. You were the best one. You were my best friend. You were my baby. My little pumpkin pie. Mommy loves you so much. Big kisses. I miss you more than I thought I could ever miss anything. It physically hurts not having you here. I would give anything to have you back. I want to touch your nose, I want to squeeze you. I want to give you lots of kisses right between the eyes. Thank you for being my dog and thank you for letting me be your mom. Even with the pain I have now, I don't regret a single thing. I would do it all over again. You were the best one. Thank you for being my little boy. I love you, babydog.

Lyric Of The Day

If I can't keep it,
at least let me call it by name.
That was called falling, this is called pain,
it's called love, what I'm losing.
I know love is a stranger,
I know that changes come,
I know love is a changer.

I'm gonna go quietly,
you dont have to tell me to.
Just let me lie a little longer next to you.
Not tryin' to bother you,
I'm just tryin' to breathe you in,
and then I will leave you there
where you are sleeping.

Speaking of loving you, I do.
I'm telling you stranger to stranger.
Whatever changes come to you,
i'm telling you changer to changer.

morning has stolen your shadow from me,
but I hold its shape in my mind,
it's the shape of your back when you turned it on me, one last time.

And out in the waking world,
nobody understands exactly how light it is,
exactly how free I am.
One minute I'm laughing, and the next one I'm lost.
I'm watching the birds fly by, watching the highways cross.

Speaking of loving you, I do.
telling you stranger to stranger.
Whatever changes come to you,
I'm telling you changer to changer.

If I can't keep it,
at least let me call it by name.

-from "Changer" by Anais Mitchell

I can't begin to get into why this song is hitting me today.

I'm going to see Anais tonight. I hope she doesn't play this.

The Facebook Rollercoaster

I am an avid user of Facebook. I check it constantly. It’s really quite sad. I don’t know why I’m so addicted to it.

I’ve started using Twitter more lately and I have a Google+ account, though it’s a bit of a ghost town over there.

Today Facebook unveiled their latest change and, well, it sucks – just like every change before it sucked. But, like the other changes, I’m sure I’ll get used to it and my threats of officially switching over to Google+ will never happen. I mean, it’s boring over there and all of my friends are on Facebook and this is social networking after all. I can post status after status on Google+, but if no one is there to respond, what’s the point?

I’m actually quite amused at my reaction to this change today. I had heard that a change was coming, but I thought it was just to profiles and who hangs out on profile pages? So when I pulled up my home page today and it was different, immediately I was frustrated. Why? Why did you have to change again? What was wrong with the last version?

Then I took a moment to assess what was different. Let’s see: Only showing “top” stories that Facebook thinks I would be interested in, little triangles in the corner of status updates, Home button has moved, weird little scrolling status updates in right hand corner that are already way too distracting and that stay static when you scroll the page, events gone – wait they are still there but it just says that I have 20 upcoming and shows no details as to what is happening this week, stupid ask a question thing is still there and prominent, people to subscribe to in lower left corner – what the fuck does subscribe to mean? Is that the same as people I should know? Oh, wait, now recent stories are showing up and they are running parallel to that little status update box so now I see everything in double…

Sigh.

Now, just 7 hours after I first saw the change, I’m already a little over it. I guess it’s not so bad, I say to myself. I still don’t understand why the updates run right next to each other. Seems like a waste of space. But at least they appear to be listing in chronological order versus what a website assumes is most important to me.

Sadly, I will continue to use Facebook because I am an addict and Facebook knows this. I will get use to this redesign and – possibly down the road – say great things about it like how much better it is now that I’m used to it.

Though, Google+ certainly does look crisp and clean….

Must. Share. This. Beautiful. Song.

The Bloggess posted this video of an Amanda Palmer song that I had not heard before. Amanda Palmer is a favorite of mine and she's always putting things out and so it can be difficult to keep up.

This song is quite beautiful and sweet and just riding the ledge on inspirational cheesiness, but she is so earnest that it works. And I think its sentiment is something we all need to be reminded of sometimes.



And, because Amanda Palmer is so awesome, you can pick up her music - all of it - at the high cost of nothing on her Bandcamp page. But, you know, you should throw her some dollars so that she can continue to make the excellent music that she does.

Also, The Bloggess is awesome and you should read her, too.

What I Hope For At Friday's Ani Difranco Show

I’ll be seeing Ani Difranco for the 11^th time on Friday. The last time I attended her show (as written about here), I swore it would be my last. Not because of her or her performance, but because of her fans. Her fans mostly suck. They are obnoxious, entitled, pushy, loud, screaming, rude people who all need to be as close as possible and will do whatever they have to to get there. Then they will proceed to scream every lyric in your ear in the most pitch deprived way, all the while exclaiming between songs how much they “love” her.

I don’t mean to be a concert prude. I love hooting and hollering and having a good time at shows. But I also understand that you are where you are and we can’t all be pressed right up against the stage. I also understand that when a song is being sung about the death of a loved one or war or racism or whathaveyou that it’s probably not the best time to scream “I LOVE YOU, ANI!!!” or “YOU’RE SO HOT!!!” and that when the person on stage is telling a story, that it’s also not a great time to scream “PLAY SHAMELESS!!!!” or to randomly scream out song titles like “GRAVEL!!!!” or “UNTOUCHABLE FACE!!!!”

I don’t know what it is about an Ani Difranco show that brings out the worst in people. Especially considering that all she does is preach about being kind to one another.

On the other hand, I also don’t know what it is about an Ani Difranco show that requires people, myself included, to treat it like watching golf or tennis. Eyes forward, silent until the action is complete, then erupting in cheer.

Is it the folk world from which she comes from? Is it the acoustic guitar? Is it because once upon a time she delivered lyrics that truly meant something and all you wanted to do was hear what she had to say next?

It’s funny, because when I’m playing, I totally don’t care if people in the audience are talking. Yes, it’s nice when people sit and listen, but in the end I just want everyone to have a good time. So it makes me wonder what she thinks when she’s telling a story on stage and people are having mini conversations throughout the theater.

The last time I saw her was at First Avenue, a club that allows for drunken rudeness and provides the opportunity for people to push and shove their way to the front of the stage. I knew it was going to be a difficult show. I had no idea it would be as bad as it turned out. Bad enough to make me leave before it was over.

This time she is playing at Pantages Theater, probably the best place in town I can think of for her to play, besides maybe the Women’s Club. You can’t let Ani Difranco fans participate in General Admission seating. They don’t respect it and they don’t know what to do with it. A nice, intimate, assigned seating theater is just a better experience for one of her shows.

Opening for her is Anais Mitchell, whom I adore. I am just as excited to see her as I am Ani, maybe even more so as I’ve never seen her before. Unfortunately, I know that being she’s the opening act, people will be talking over her and, most likely, drowning her out. Which is sad, because she’s awesome. Or maybe I’ll be surprised and she will have the Glen Hansard effect. One can hope.

I hope Ani pulls out at least one surprise number. She had started playing “She Says” last year and then it dropped away. I would love it if she brought it back again.

But I also love hearing the new unreleased stuff. There’s this thing about hearing an Ani song before anyone else. Her fans go crazy with curiosity. It’s so very strange. I wonder if it’s the same in other fan sectors of the world? I haven’t really seen it happen elsewhere. Maybe amongst Jenny Lewis fans. Maybe it’s just a girl thing.

And, really, even if she pulls out the standard 14 – 18 song set she’s been playing for the last 5-6 years, it will be good. Because she is good and she makes it fresh every time.

Now everybody sit down, shut up, and share the joy!

(totally joking….kind of)

Lyric Of The Day

"people always told me

that bars are dark and lonely

and talk is often cheap and filled with air

sure sometimes they thrill me

but nothing could ever chill me

like the way they make the time just disappear"

- from "Golden" by My Morning Jacket

Recording, Day 2

Night 2 was another success. All goals were once again met for the night. We were still focused on the same three songs from before, but I think, instrumentally, they are complete. Little additions may be added here and there and, of course, they need to be mixed, but it’s nice to have such a nice sized chunk out of the way.

One of the songs we have been working on, I imagined being a real nightmare to complete. And, it hasn’t been easy, but it went much smoother than I expected. And, as always, the song I imagine being the simplest and easiest to produce took up the most time.

Two weeks from now we’ll head into Day 3 and try to kick off three more songs. Maybe even work on some of the vocals for the current three we’ve been working on. We’re also doing it during the day on a Saturday. I haven’t recorded in the daytime yet. I’m curious if that will change things at all. I’m usually so tired at night, working all day and then recording all night. It will be nice to be awake and fresh.

Water Troubles

I'm currently waiting for the plumber to come, yet again, to my home to fix another leaky pipe. I was thinking that, without all the leaky pipes/clogged pipes/water in the basement troubles I've had over the years, I would be living a very blessed, financially sound life.

I've probably spent more money on plumbing woes than any other issue I've ever had - and that includes the $5000 sewer pipe 8 feet underground in my front yard. I tell you, there is nothing like throwing that kind of money at something you will never ever see. It's not like I can invite people over and excitedly point out my beautiful new sewer pipe. Maybe instead of laying dirt over it, I should have had them cover it in glass. At least then I could see what I'm paying for.

But, I suppose it's better than having sewer water flood your basement. Yes, it is better than that.

So, last night, just as things seem to be getting on track, I'm downstairs washing the towels. I head over to the dryer to see if they are done and just happen to look up at the ceiling. Why do I do this?

Word of advice: If you are in your basement, just go down there, do your business, and don't look at anything. Keep your eyes on what you are doing. It does you no good to notice things in your basement.

So, I look up and I see this tiny droplet of water just hanging out on this very rusty pipe. Oh shit, I think. I then look down behind the dryer where the droplet was heading and see a nice sized water stain. That thing could have been dripping forever considering the size of the actual drip compared to the size of the stain it left on the floor. That means I could have gone even longer without noticing it and be sitting at the office right now feeling pretty good about things instead of waiting in my freezing cold house (I WILL NOT PUT THE HEAT ON YET!) for some dude to basically come here and rip me off since I know nothing about plumbing and it seems that is what they do.

Water seems to haunt me. From the leaky pipes to my wedding day. I tend to get flooded.

Back when I was about 10 or 11 years old, my dad and I lived in this shitty little one bedroom apartment in a duplex. We were on the upper level. He was out one night and I had a friend over. We were messing around in the bathroom trying on make-up or something. Who knows. My friend leaned on the very old sink basin that was just sort of a basin attached to the wall somehow with a pipe going into the wall.

It broke.

The sink came crashing from the wall and water started spewing everywhere. Our bathroom quickly became flooded with sink water.

Our landlord was the woman who lived below us. She was a crazy frightening lady. She came barreling into the bathroom yelling at us that "we're going to pay for this!". I imagine the water was completely flooding her room below us, too. But, come on, we were just kids. We weren't going to literally pay for anything. She left briefly. We were both sobbing, grabbing towels, trying desperately to soak it all up.

She returned with her camera and started taking pictures of us on our hands and knees on the wet floor, tears streaming from our faces, apologizing over and over again. Then she left.

It was in the days before cell phones, so all I could do was wait for my dad to come home. Needless to say, he was not pleased. But, if memory serves me correct, he understood it was an accident and I believe he gave our landlady a stern talking to for treating us that way.

I don't think we lived there much longer after that.

I also wonder what she did with those pictures. Does she still have them? Are they in some crazy lady photo album that she shows to all of her nursing home friends? I guess since that was 20 years ago, there's a good chance she's not around anymore.

I'm going to imagine she was some sort of witch-lady who, while screaming at us and snapping pictures, put a curse on me. A water curse. That water will haunt me forever.

Because, I mean really, another leaky pipe???

Republic

I played a show on Friday night at the Aux 1 room at Republic on Seven Corners. This place might just be my new go-to place for a drink and some food. It's super cozy, dimly lit. It as a fantastic beer selection and the food is delicious. The staff is also super nice. I, crazily, left my ukulele there and they kept it safe for me until it was realized to be missing.

The Aux 1 room is somewhat separate from the main bar area. The stage is very cute with a fake fireplace and a couple of leather armchairs and a window with a view out onto the patio. I felt very comfortable there.

Setlist for Republic on Seven Corners 9/9/11

-The Woods

-The Paul Simon Song

-Float

-Good to Know

-Can't Even Tell

-The Party

-Good

-Cohabitate

-Cast a Spell

-Salt

-Here

-Adore

And some video from the night (from my newly created YouTube channel):

Fair Times

Today is the last day of the Minnesota State Fair. It always seems to signify the end of summer. But really, we still have about 3 weeks left. The air has definitely cooled, though. I pulled out a long sleeved shirt on Saturday, and - I'm not going to lie, I was kind of pleased about it. My wardrobe has completely opened up.

I spent three days at the fair this year. Two of those days I worked in the booth owned by the company I work for. One day was just for fun. Not that all days at the fair aren't fun. I LOVE the fair. Ridiculously so. But I think this was the first year I got a little burned out. Working the booth twice took a lot of the State Fair joy out of me.

But I did have fun during the non-work times. I did the following:

• Visited the animal barns and bonded with the animals and longed to take them all home.
• Drank a lot of beer. I mean, A LOT.
• Ate the following foods, sometimes multiple times: Cheese on a Stick, Luigi Fries, Burritos, Deep Fried Pickles with Cream Cheese, Deep Fried Cauliflower, French Fries, Pizza Bread, Hot Fudge Sundaes, Grilled Shrimp on a Stick...that's all my mind is letting me remember.

I love the fair.

Recording, Day 1

Writing songs is great. Playing them live is even better. But recording them is the best. Sure it can get to be a bit tedious when, for whatever reason, you keep screwing up a song that you've played hundreds of times before. But it's so satisfying to get those parts down and then listen to them back and realize that there's something there then expanding on it.

It's like, they're not real until that moment. Now, there it is, trapped in time forever. It's kind of scary and kind of exhilarating.

For my last album, I had a batch of songs that I really loved that had been written over many years that I put together on an album. I'm so proud of it and so happy I did it.

But with this album I have a group of songs that I've written over the past year, a lot of them with the help of someone else. There is a unifying sound to this album that I'm very excited about. It's a real album.

We exceeded my goal for the night. I had planned to just record the acoustic and electric guitar parts for two songs. We did that and moved on to one more. I had feared I'd be stuck on one song all night playing the same part over and over again. So, needless to say, I was quite pleased with how the night turned out.

And it's sounding great. I have big plans for this album - soundwise - and I was worried that I might not be able to do that due to my lack of musical knowledge. But I'm working with awesome people and it's happening and that makes me really really excited.

Album #2 Begins Tonight!

Tonight I start recording my second album.

When I recorded my first album, I really just wanted to take a collection of songs that I had, make them sound good, and put them in a tangible format. Then I put it on iTunes, then I started to promote it, then I wanted everyone to hear it.

This next album has already started out with a full album in mind. I know what I want the end result to be and I will do whatever I can and take as long as I can to get it there. I'm really excited and can't wait to get started tonight.

Unlike last time, I will really try to track the process via this blog. I"m bummed I didn't write about some of the other experiences more.

Lyric Of The Day

"it's not my fault you don't love me when I'm drunk"

-from Kristin Hersh's "Your Dirty Answer"