Example: It's gorgeous out today. I spent the morning visiting my dad at the clinic. He's doing so well. He's practically back to normal. It's amazing. I then went to Sea Salt, my most happy place, and had the first of what will be many baskets of calamari and a fish sandwich and a Surly beer then met up with my friends at the park for a 40th birthday get together, played some frisbee with the husband, came home to a happy dog, brought out the patio furniture for the first time of the year, Matt kicked the soccer ball around with the dog, opened up all the windows...and then the neighbor kids showed up and started the first round of basketball...and all that awesomeness went away. I was livid. That sound of that ball on the pavement over and over again makes my skin crawl. They are out there all day, every day. Even in winter. But in the summer, I have my windows open and want to enjoy what is my beautiful and generally quiet neighborhood. But I can't. Because of that basketball.
That seems silly, right? It's just two very good tweens playing basketball in their yard, sometimes with their awesome dad. It should warm my heart. But it makes me want to scream. It is all the time. It never stops. It ruins my summer.
I was so upset when it started. But less for the noise and more for the fact I was upset. I keep telling myself I'm not going to let it get to me, and it does and it makes me so very mad at myself.
I don't want to be negative. I want to just let things roll off my back. But sometimes it's so hard.
This attitude I felt towards the basketball noise today made me look at other things and really think about what makes me happy. What do I want? Where do I want to be? Why do these little things piss me off so much?
There was a point in my mid twenties where I thought I wanted the nice little family life. I bought my house in the suburbs. I got a "real" job. This is what you're supposed to do in life, right? I grew up in such an odd environment that I think I yearned for the normalcy of this simple little suburban life. But now, I realize normalcy is far from what I desire. But now, I have a mortgage and a car and a "real" job that I need to keep these things. And now the economy is in the toilet and I am stuck with these things. So what's a girl to do?
The thing is, I love my house. I love my yard. I love my neighbors. I love the space and the privacy this house provides. I love that I can keep a drum set in the basement and have a place to practice. I love that I can crank the stereo at any time of the day and not have to worry about it. I love that my neighbors all understand my dog is old and senile and that he only barks outside for 5 minute stretches and that they won't call the police.
I don't love that I've created a world for myself where I am obligated to do certain things. I don't like that I can't go out on a Tuesday because I have to be up at 6:30am Wednesday morning. I don't love that I can't plan to pack up the car and drive west for 2 weeks and play coffee houses along the way because I don't have the vacation time. I don't love that I can't just decide to do those things because I have a mortgage.
But that's all a part of growing up, right? This is what you do. Even Britney Spears has to go tour to pay for her mansion even though I'm sure she'd much rather hang out at home eating Cheetos and playing with her kids.
At the same time, life is short. It goes so quickly. And shouldn't you fill it doing what you want to do?
So, what do I want to do? I have no career path I'm heading down. And I don't want one. I have no desire to be some VP somewhere. I just want to go to a place that pays me money for the work I do and then go home at the end of the day and not think about it. I don't want work stress. I don't want to be thinking about my day job at 8pm on a Thursday. That's sad.
I think I just want to float. I just want to see what life happens to me. I want to go to work each day and work. Happily. Get up, do my job, come home. Come home and write music and hang out with my dog and husband in our nice little home. Go for bike rides on the weekend. Enjoy time with friends. Have meals in restaurants every once in a while. See bands I love in concert. Any night of the week. Play my own shows whenever I can. Make music because I want to, not because I'm trying to achieve something. Leave the country once a year for a long weekend. Not fret about bills, even though there are many. Spend the money I have and not think about what I have to pay, just pay it and move on. Learn to live on 6 hours of sleep instead of the 9 I seem to require so I can have more time to enjoy more life.
And really, that's it. I need to enjoy things more. I need to not let the the little things get to me. As a girl I know responded to my Facebook post regarding my annoyance of the sound of the basketball: "enjoy it! rejoice in the happiness it conotes! it's SUMMER!!!!"
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