On the Radio

Last night I heard one of my songs on the radio for the first time.

It was on Cities 97 during their Minnesota Music Local Show.

I know my songs have been played on the radio before...I've just never heard them. The playlist for this show was posted in advance so I knew when to listen.

It was surreal.

I can't even begin to describe how it felt.

It just made me so very happy.

Sea Salt CD Release Show Poster

Gloria Estefan is in My Brain

Somehow Gloria Estefan’s musical catalogue has infiltrated its way into my brain and presses play almost every morning when I get in the shower. I don’t know where this comes from. It’s not like I wake up to Lite FM on the alarm clock every morning. It’s not like I have any of her songs on any of my musical devices. And it’s not like I go to bed thinking about her at night.

Yet, multiple times a week, I get up, step into the shower, and suddenly I’m singing one of her many hits from the 80s. The most popular track is the uber-power ballad “Don’t Want to Lose You”. 

It shows up in different sections. Usually the first line: “Sometimes it’s hard” but other times I mind goes straight into the big chorus “I don’t want to lose you now!”.

This morning it was “1-2-3-4”. 

I haven’t thought about this song in years. I have no idea how it found its way into my brain. If I was counting, I would think the more current “1234” by Feist would be the song that would take over. But no. It was Gloria Estefan once again.

Other songs of hers that pop up in the mornings: “Bad Boys” and the big song “Coming Out of the Dark”. Remember that song? Remember how she got into a horrible bus accident and was almost paralyzed, but then she came out of the dark and could walk and dance again?

Not sure what she’s up to these days. Has she regrouped with the Miami Sound Machine? Has she aged well? I don’t know. I suppose I could look it up, but I’m really not all that interested.

But, I think one of these vocal talent shows should pick her up. If I remember, from the days I used to watch those shows, her songs are quite popular with the contestants.

Or maybe she’s been busy creating some sort of mind control device that makes it so I wake up to her songs every morning.

ERMAHGERD

The title of this post has creeped into my lexicon and I cannot stop saying it. It’s from an internet meme that started somewhere I don’t even know. Another goofy phrase posted onto random pictures that, for whatever reason, makes me crack up every time. 

Then, over the weekend while have drinks with some friends, one of them brought it up and then we just didn’t stop and now it is so stuck in my brain that I found myself walking around the grocery store yesterday thinking and giggling to myself “ERMAHGERD AVECADERS! ERMAHGERD BENANERS!” I even found myself using it in a couple of conversations I had with people who had no idea what I was talking about. I need to cool it because I sound like a crazy lady.

Speaking of crazy, I kind of feel like I’m heading that route lately. I’ve just been so busy and so many things are buzzing through my brain at all times that I’m never quite sure what’s going on. There are some pretty important things that need to be dealt with, but I am so tunnel vision focused on the CD release show and album promotion that I can’t really deal with anything else. Mainly because it’s the one thing that has an obvious end date so I know that once the show has happened, I can move on to other things. So,  I’ve had to set those things aside, except they won’t just sit aside. Instead they are in my brain constantly poking me saying “Don’t forget! Don’t forget!”

I’ve got job decisions to make, bills to pay. I need to find a place to live.  My dad is suddenly falling a lot and hurting himself on a weekly basis and possibly living in a not safe environment.  My normally perfectly healthy nephew suddenly is having kidney failure. I’m quite certain I have some underlying health issues that I should probably address. My house is falling apart.

Each month, I tell myself I just have to get through this month and next month things will slow down and return to normal. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. I was looking towards September, but now I might not have a job anymore then. Then I tell myself, well, if I’m not working I can get so many other things done. But, of course, I need a job because I need money and health insurance and just the general sense of worth that comes from being employed.

Sigh.

Whine.

ERMAHGERD.

This Is Not How I Planned It

Things just aren't going well suddenly. Some things are...but most things aren't and it's incredibly frustrating and I just kind of want to close my eyes and pretend these things don't exist so I don't have to deal with them, but I know that I can't.

I've been given sort of an ultimatum with my job. I need to make a decision soon, like, tomorrow and this is just not a good time for me to make these kinds of decisions. I am 100% focused on only things music related and I just don't want to have to make life decisions regarding how I make my money right now. Maybe a month from now - but not right now. I just can't. But I have to. And I don't know what I'm going to do. Should I be sensible? Or should I jump into unknown territory and possibly not have a net? I'm kind of bored with being sensible. But I also know that there's something to be said for being sensible. I'm no spring chicken anymore. 

 Then my dad broke his arm. I found out about this the same day I found out about my job. He's old, in an assisted living home, and he fell and he broke it right underneath his right shoulder. He already had his right leg amputated about 12 years ago from diabetes complications. So now his whole right side is completely useless. He won't be able to use his arm for at least a month - but most likely two months. And since he is missing a leg and requires a cane or a walker or a wheelchair and those things require the use of both arms, he's completely immobile. He is someone who likes to get his daily exercise and now he is stuck in bed in a home...alone. He was already depressed. This is not helping matters. The last time I went over there, his room was tidy. He was talkative, walking. When I went there yesterday, his room was scattered, he was completely out of it, and just looked...gone. I know part of it is the pain meds, but it was really hard to see. 

I left there and went straight to (one of my many) hometown 125 years old celebration. This is the last city my mother lived in (she died when I was 6 years old).

I consider this the house I grew up in - even though I was very little when we lived here and we didn't live here long.

I parked right in front and stared at it for a while...just sort of amazed at how many of us lived in this little place and how it never seemed crowded to me. I remember the yard seeming huge and feeling like I had to run across acres of fields to get to the neighbors house. Obviously, that wasn't the case. 

I spent the day in this little town with some of my family, baking in the heat and drinking cheap cups of light keg beer, talking about old times. I saw some people I haven't seen in years, though most don't remember me. I never really make an effort for them to remember me, though. 

When I left I passed by an old childhood landmark - the slide we played on daily as children and graffiti'd with inappropriate language as teenagers. It was a tradition. There were things written by and about my older siblings on this slide, as well. All writings are now gone.

I think they have been threatening to tear down this lawsuit waiting to happen, but people fight for it to stay. 

And then I stopped by this house... 

This is the last house my mom lived in. For a while she had to have a hospital bed in the living room and I would crawl into it with her at night. Both of these houses in this town seem completely untouched from when I was child. Same color, no noticeable outside updates. Just stuck in time. Stuck in 1985.

It was just a weird day full of emotions and thoughts on life and the long and painfully short of it. And I  think about my job and the reasons why I don't want to lock it down and slave away and stress and get into the grind of it all. But I know the grind of it all is just the way life is and everyone has to do it and why should I try to have it differently?

I just want to make the most out of what could be a really fun time in my life right now. I want to have some freedom to do things. I know I need money to do things, but I don't believe I need a ton. It's more about time for me. I think I just want a year to be able to play shows and travel and not have to worry about having enough vacation days at the job to go places. I think about these things:

• The day I put my dog down, I called work to let them know I would be late because I had to do this but that I would come in after. Of course, I just couldn't. I was bawling and in no shape to be in the office. So I stayed home - but I went in the next day - still an emotional basket case. And what did that get me? Nothing. I was still laid off 2 months later.

• My best friend got married. It was a sort of destination wedding. I should have been there. But I was afraid to ask for the time off. So I missed it. I missed her wedding day. And what did that get me? Nothing. Same job as above - I was laid off a month later.

• I wanted to go to SXSW this year. Just head down there and see what it's all about. I had a new job, though. But it was part-time, so I could easily take a long weekend to go. Oh, but it was the one week I had to be there all week. So I missed it. And what did that get me? Nothing. 3 months later I get notice that my position is being eliminated.

What's the point of what I'm saying? I don't know. Maybe that I just don't want to sacrifice the moments anymore for the money and security. Because the security is a facade and the money is never enough. 

I made a new record. 

I am very excited about it and maybe I want to spend a year just playing it around and exploring that world because it's a world I want to explore and why can't I take some time to do that? I had that opportunity with my current job when it was part-time and flexible, but it's not going to be that anymore and I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up.

I just don't want life to feel like one big uncompromising sacrifice. And by that I mean that I will sacrifice money, sleep, clothing (seriously, everything I own either has a hole in it or is stained because I'm spending all of my money on everything music related), and I am okay with that because I am giving up one thing for another on my terms and I am getting something back for it. But giving up everything for a steady paycheck is not an ideal swap for me right now. And really, I have put a ton of money and time into this record and wouldn't it just be me throwing it away if I jumped back full force into office life? 

I really wanted to play with this one a bit. I wanted to get out there. The timing of all this really sucks.

BUT, then I send email after email after email out into the black hole of venue booking and don't get any responses and I think, well, looks like I won't be playing any shows anyway, might as well get a proper job. 

I just love playing music, writing music, performing music...I just want to do this and have my work life be secondary and not what defines me. It's hard enough to get shows and play them and promote and network and write right now being part-time. If I go back into a full-time demanding job, I feel like all the stuff that's important to me and makes me happy will just go away. And that's just not worth it, right?

Sigh.

Sorry to be so sad and whiney. I know other people have much bigger problems than this. I get it. But it's all relative, isn't it? 

Things That Have Happened

1.  I've been uploading new songs from my new upcoming album (Sea Salt) on my Bandcamp page every couple of days.  CD release party is on August 4th at the Amsterdam Bar and Hall in St. Paul, MN. There is a link to the right over there that will take you to the Facebook event page. You should come. For reals.

2. I played a solo set at Acadia last Saturday. It was fun show as I got to play with two of my favorite local bands: The Broken Bicycles and French Films About Trains. It was also my last show until that CD release party I mentioned earlier. 

Setlist for Acadia 6-30-12

- Good

- The Party

- Can't Even Tell

- Easy to Blame

- Ramble Song

- Thursday

- Adore

- Minnesota

- Cast a Spell

3. I've had a cold this week and, as usual, it has completely taken over my life and made things generally sucky. Colds just get in the way of everything. I hate them.

4. During this cold, I have watched a lot of DVDs. I mean, a lot. Off the top of my head, the movies I've watched are: The Departed, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Shutter Island, Mystic River, Sherlock Series 2, Can't Buy Me Love, Old School, The Queen, Prime, season one of Grounded for Life and I'm currently half way through season two of Grounded for Life. I've spent a lot of time on the couch.

5. Yes, I like the show Grounded for Life.

6. I picked up a ton of new music recently: Regina Spektor's new one, Fiona Apple's new one, Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lapelle's new one, The Ericksons, Bethany Larson and the Bee's Knees, Hope  Sandoval and the Warm Inventions...I love them all. New music just makes me so happy. Music in general makes me so happy. Cannot get enough.

I guess that's really it. Just a lot of little things and the waiting for August 4th. I get the physical CDs make this Friday. And then I just countdown the days and rehearse. We've got a dedicated drummer on board for this show, so Shawn doesn't have to go back and forth between guitar and drums. It's all very exciting. And it makes me so nervous!!! 

Sigh.

Is it time yet?

Holiday Haze

Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I hate the 4^th of July holiday. Not what it represents or what we are supposed to be celebrating, but the way we celebrate it. With explosions.

I’ve never been into fireworks. Not even as a kid. I recall the initial reaction each year when I was told it was that time again. I would be excited because I was supposed to be, right? And then they would start and I would see the first one and give an ‘ooooh’ and then I would get bored. Sitting there staring at the same explosion design over and over again just got so dull. Year after year the same display. Blah.

And the noise…I never liked that.

As I got older and teen-aged and friends who supply their own displays, I would play along and say it was “cool”, but deep down I hated it. It made me nervous. I’ve always been a worrier and I could just see fires happening or limbs being lost in all of this “fun”.

Now as an adult living in a neighborhood rapidly filling with teenagers - and the usual asshole neighbor or two – it still haunts me because now I have to deal with all of them. It just makes me ever more eager to get out of this house and this little family neighborhood and back to the city in an apartment with no yards for annoying teenagers to shoot homemade fireworks displays off in.

As this was happening last night at midnight, I said to myself “where are their parents??? who is letting them do this???” And then I felt old. But then I didn’t care. Because 1) I’ve got a cold and I’ve discovered the 4^th of July is the worst time to have one because it’s summer and you want to be outside but also because sleep is impossible because people feel it necessary to explode things in normally quiet neighborhoods all night long and 2) Just because I did stupid shit as a kid doesn’t make it right. I wish I had more discipline as a child and genuinely feel awful about the noise and disturbances I gave my neighbors while I was growing up. I suppose I’m paying for it now.

I’ve also never understood why we get the day of July 4^th off when the whole event is based around lighting loud things off at night when it’s dark. Why don’t we get July 5^th off instead? It’s like if New Year’s Eve was the day everyone got off of work and we were all expected to come in on the 1^st.

Grumble Grumble Grumble….I know. I sound like a crazy old man complaining about the world from my park bench. Truly, that is basically my personality in a nutshell. Especially when I’m sick. I hate being sick.

But, here I am at work just trying to get through it with a sinus headache, achy body, and 5 hours sleep. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way – so I guess that’s a good thing – and it’s happening now and not a month from now when I need to be healthy and in good voice for the CD release show. So, there’s that, as well.

And since I am at work, sick, I get to do a 25 Songs Set of what’s playing on my iPod and helping me get through the day.  Hooray.

1. "How Come You Never Go There" - Feist

2. "Disco Ball" - Flatbear

3. "No Provenance" - Joanna Newsom

4. "Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie" - Joanna Newsom

5. "The Absence of God" - Rilo Kiley

6. "Jailbird" - The Elected

7. "Minnows" - David Karsten Daniels

8. "Shuger Crash!" - Gramma's Boyfriend

9. "Comfort Me" - Feist

10. "36th" - Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lapelles

11. "Puget Sound" - Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lapelles

12. "The Locust Years of Chelsea" - Rank Strangers

13. "Gonna Get Along Without You Now" - She & Him

14. "The Party" - Regina Spektor

15. "Done Wrong" - Ani Difranco

16. "Left Alone" - Fiona Apple

17. "Calliope" - Caroline Smith and the Good Night Sleeps

18. "One Line" - PJ Harvey

19. "My Wife, Lost in the Wild" - Beirut

20. "Living for the City" - Stevie Wonder

21. "The Colour of the Earth" - PJ Harvey

22. "Why Don't You Come Over" - Bethany Larson and the Bee's Knees

23. "Doubt" - Wye Oak

24. "Box of Letters" - The Ericksons

25. "Monica" - Dan Bern