Expert Textpert Choking Smokers

It's been two years since I last had a cigarette.

I had smoked for 15 years before that. I loved smoking. From the way it felt in your fingertips, to the way it allowed you to meet people you would normally never interact with. Once the smoking ban hit Minnesota, there was an Us against The World mentality on those frigid January evenings, huddled outside some bar not being able to tell if the whiteness in the air was from the cold or from our cigarettes. No, it was not the bitter winters smoking outside that got me, nor was it the rising costs of my beloved Marlboros. It was a cold. I got sick and I quit.

But before that, I smoked and I loved it.

I took my first drag off a cigarette the summer after 4th grade. My nephew (who was about a year older than me) stole some cigarettes from somewhere. He, my neice (also about a year older than me), and myself all huddled in my garage. I inhaled as hard as I could and then threw up. I dry heaved for at least a half hour afterwards. I swore I would never smoke.

A friend of mine that same summer started smoking. She would steal her brother's cigarettes and we would go running around town. She finally convinced me to smoke with her. This time I was so fearful of throwing up, that I didn't inhale really and pretended to smoke with her.

Before 5th grade started, my dad and I moved to a neighboring town. New school. No smoking. Until 6th grade.

Being that I was a poor kid from a broken home, I fell in with kids who lived that same lifestyle. They all smoked. So I started. This time for real. My friend's mom would buy cartons and sell them to all of her friends. I would take my lunch money and buy my cigarettes at a highly inflated price. I think it was $5 a pack. Now that seems like a bargain. But back then it was ridiculous. Especially when the cartons were purchased at the smoke shop out on the reservation for a high discount.

My brand of choice was whatever I could get my hands on. Camels were easiest to snag off the counter at the local convienance store. But, my friend's mom bought her Magnas, so they were my cigarette of choice. I don't even know if they make them anymore.

Eventually, my dad discovered what I was doing with my money and decided it would be cheaper for our poor home if he just bought me the cigarettes. So he did. I remember the first day he came home with my very own carton of Magnas. I was at home with a couple of friends and he walked in the door with groceries and my smokes. My friends attacked the carton and lit up. Their parent's already let them smoke, so it was no big deal. But I had been hiding it from my dad for so long. The whole situation was very strange. I slowly peeled off the celophane, popped the cardboard top, unfolded the foil wrapping and pulled out my cigarette. My fingers were shaking as I tried to meet the Magna tip with the lighter flame. But I did it. Eventually, it became no big deal. I was a smoker.

I spent all my school years sneaking out at lunch to smoke or skipping class to go hang out in some shady area with shady kids to smoke. Who am I kidding? I'm sure I was thought of as a shady kid, too. And I loved my shady friends.

In high school, I was kicked out of my English class for smelling like smoke. I had spent the lunch hour driving around in my friend's Cutlass smoking away.

My high school nights were spent out at the truck stop where my friend's were cooks or waitresses. We would sit there all night long, huddled in a booth with our cloud of smoke above our heads and our coffee on the table. I think I took it with 9 sugars back then.

I could never smoke hungover. As I got older, I never understood how people could get up after a night of heavy drinking and light a cigarette. It would take me a lot of coffee and water before I could have another cigarette. Sometimes, it just wasn't worth it.

My brands changed throughout the years. In highschool, I first switched to Marlboros. I think I went back to Camels for a while, too. I landed on GPCs and stuck with them for a long time. Once, out of school, living in my first apartment and broke, I started smoking Winners. The least winningest of cigarettes ever. They tasted like sand. But they were $2 a pack.

But, Marlboros were my true love. And once I had money, I never left them again.

I loved everything about smoking. I love the packaging of the cigarettes and the way the box felt cupped in your hand. I loved the smell of new pack. After you remove that little flap of foil, a freshness would rise up at you. It's a great smell.

I loved lighters and how you could never go to a party without losing yours and winding up with someone else's. I loved that you rarely ever had to buy a lighter because of this.

I loved finding new ways to smoke. New ways to exhale or to hold the cigarette in your mouth or fingers. I always wanted to smoke like Bette Davis. She nailed it.

I loved the harsh first drag of the day and how it would almost burn my throat.

Like I said, I loved the togetherness of a group of smokers stepping outside for a cigarette. All of the best conversations happen outside while having a cigarette. I love the taste of a beer and a cigarette.

Two years ago.....

I woke up one morning feeling terrible. I tried to smoke, because that's what I did, but I couldn't get it down. This didn't bother me that much. I could go a whole weekend without smoking if the previous night's hangover was bad enough. So, I just didn't smoke. A week passed and I started to feel better. My smoking cohorts at work were about to step outside and I thought I'd give it a whirl. I bummed a smoke from one and lit up. I could barely choke it down. I assumed it was because it wasn't my brand and maybe my throat just wasn't ready yet.

When I got home that evening, I stepped outside with my husband after dinner. We didn't smoke in the house. When we cleaned the last apartment we lived in, scrubbing the smoking residue off the windows and walls was enough for us to say we would never smoke in our home again. We stepped outside, I lit my precious Marlboro and still, I could not handle it. I put it out and put the butt in my pocket like I always did. My pockets were always full of tobacco. Maybe tomorrow.

But the next morning as I grabbed my cigarettes a thought occured to me: Why am I doing this? Obviously, my body was saying No More. But my mind just wanted to continue on as usual. I brought them with me just in case, but I didn't have one the whole day. I made a decision. I was going to quit.

I had really had no urge to quit. I had tried before because, I'm not an idiot, I know smoking is bad. But I liked to smoke. I just felt that my body was telling me something and that this may be my only chance to quit.

So I did.

I have not had one since.

My husband quit the following week. It was a little harder for him because he did not have that sick thing to help him. He quit cold with the help of a book that I can't remember the name of...sorry. He did beautifully and is smoke free, too.

Now, I hate cigarettes. Don't get me wrong. I can't lie. There are still times when I would love a cigarette. In the car during a rather terrible rush hour, after a heated arguement when my hands are shaking and my eyes are dry, bored at work, at family functions (always a good excuse to step outside and gather yourself for a minute). But then I smell them and change my mind.

I hate the smell of cigarettes and can't believe I used to smell like that. When I hang out at a friends house who still smokes, I have to change my clothes and shower when I get home. I stink! It's disgusting.

I can't stand standing next to someone at the bus stop who is smoking.

Seeing cigarette butts littered across sidewalks and ditches makes me want to cry. It's just a gross filthy habit and I am so happy I am done with it.

Now, between my husband and I, we are saving at least $400 a month. That's a car payment. We know, because we bought a new car. We never could have done that if we were still smoking.

I hope that I will never smoke again.

Lost Episode 10, "He's Our You"

Last night's episode had an old school feel to it. We were back to the flashback way of story telling. Well, I'm not sure if calling it a flashback is correct, since the scenes happened in the future. But they were in Sayid's past...so....hmmmm...maybe if I had a little of what Oldham gave Sayid, I could make sense of it all.

So for this recap, we are going to tell the flashbacks and present stories separately.

It was a Sayid episode last night and we start of in Tekrit, Iran where Sayid's father is demanding Sayid's older brother to kill a chicken. If he can do this, he will be a man. Sayid's brother refuses. His father says he will have to stay outside until he kills one. Sayid approaches his brother and calmly enters the chicken coop. He grabs a chicken and breaks it's neck then hands it to his brother. His father comes out and sees the brother with the dead bird and gets all excited. The brother denies he did and the father looks at Sayid, grateful, that one of his boys will grow up to be a man.

We then recall Sayid's various murders for Ben, like the guy on the golf course, and then we head to Moscow where a man is running frantically down the hall. He gets to a room with a safe and pulls out some money to bribe his chaser. Which is Sayid. With his hair flat-ironed. He looks so pretty. He pulls out his gun and shoots the Russian.

Sayid walks outside where Ben is waiting. Ben tells him he has managed to kill everyone necessary and he can go on living his life. Sayid is all, "okay." and they go their separate ways.

Flash forward some more and Ben shows up at the Habitat for Humanity place that Sayid is now working at. He tells him that Locke was murdered by the same people he and Sayid were after before and that one of those people have taken root outside of Hurley's mental institution and that Sayid needs to do something about it. Sayid goes on and on about how he is not a killer and Ben is like, dude, all you ever want to do is kill and torture people. And Sayid is like, you got me there.

So, we know what happens next is Sayid's timeline. He goes to rescue Hurley and the wild and crazy adventures of Hugo and Sleeping Sayid happens. Then Sayid ends up on the pier with everyone else and he tells Ben he is not going back and if he ever sees him again there will be some serious problems and this is why I think it is Sayid who beat up Ben and got him all bloody before the trip back to the Island. Everyone assumes that Ben is all bloody because he killed Penny or that Desmond fucked him up because he tried to kill Penny all because he was standing at a pier when he called up Jack all bloody. We all know that Desmond and Penny were on a boat, so the logical connection was made, right? Right? Wrong. Are we really supposed to believe that Desmond and Penny sailed from London to LA in a matter of two days? Because if that's so, then this show needs to hire a new continuity team. After the gaffe with Charlotte's age recently, they need to keep on their toes a little more.

Sayid ends up at a bar that night where he drowns his sorrow in $120 glasses of scotch. There is a woman at the bar. Hey! It's FBIchick! Except, she's all skanked out. She starts hitting on Sayid and we know this isn't going well. What I don't get is why he is even giving her the time of day. With all of the shit he's been through lately, he really has the time for some skanky chick at the bar who is being a bit too nosy about what he does for a living?

Sayid takes her back to his room where they make out wildly before she kicks him in the head with her big old boots and pulls a gun on him.

This happens to Sayid way too often.

It turns out she's FBI at all, she's a hit woman who has been hired to bring Sayid to Guam where he will be punished for the death of the guy he killed on the golf course.

Now we are at the airport where Sayid is being lead around in handcuffs. They reach the terminal and he sees Hurley and then Jack. He asks her if they can please catch a different flight. She says no. He then sees Kate and Sayid looks like he's about to cry.

They get on the plane and there is Sun. Just as they are about to take off, here comes Ben. Sayid and Ben give each other a look of WTF and it just makes me believe even more that Sayid is the one who beat up Ben. He asks the HitWoman (her new name until I learn her real name) if Ben hired her and she says she has no idea who that is.

Back to the Island....

Sayid is chilling in his cell when Ben brings him another sandwich. What a good boy he used to be! He asks Sayid if he knows Richard and tells him that he knows Richard and that he wants to join up with Richard and that if Sayid just waits, he'll help him out.

Later, Horace and his crew show up and start questioning Sayid, telling him it's his last chance to tell them the truth. Sayid refuses to speak. Horace heads over to Jim James Sawyer LeFluer's house where he and Juliette are making bacon and discussing how Jack and Kate and are going to destroy their lives because that is all they know how to do - destroy lives. Horace tells Sawyer that Sayid won't talk and they will have to give him over to Oldham who will make him talk. Sawyer asks to speak with him first. He enters Sayid's cell and Sayid begs him to let him go. Sawyer says he can't. He has built a good life here in Dharmaville and he doesn't want Sayid to ruin. He asks Sayid to say that he is a defective other and that he wants to join Dharma. Sayid refuses to and I realize Sayid has the same problem as Jack, but different. Jack thinks nothing is important. He refuses to give up information or accept any new information. By doing so, he gets everyone killed. Sayid thinks everything is really important and wants nothing but information and will do everything he can to get it, including torturing innocent people which, thus, ends up getting people killed. Sayid decides not to join Dharma and I just really wish he would cooperate for once.

Next something really awesome happens. Hurley is at work in the cafeteria and he brings Kate and Jack their breakfast. Kate asks Jack if he knows anything new about Sayid since he was over at Sawyer's last night. He says no. She says she is going to ask Juliette. Hurley says that's stupid because Juliette lives with Sawyer and probably knows as much as he does. Kate's all, whaaaaa? Jack's all, it's true. Now maybe you can stop pining over him and remember how we just got busy two nights ago and how we almost got married a few months ago. Kate looks heartbroken and I am shining inside.

Back in Sayid's cell, Roger Workman (or Ben's father) is mopping up the hallway. Ben comes around with another sandwich. His father gets all pissy about how Ben never brings him a sandwich then he throws him up against the bars of the cell and tells him he's worthless and now I feel really sorry for Ben. Ben runs out crying and Sayid looks on like he feels sorry for him, too or like he wants to kill him. It's hard to tell with Sayid.

Sawyer shows up and gives Sayid one more chance to join them. He refuses (of course) and Sawyer tasers him. They pack him up and take him out to Oldham.

Oldham is a dude who lives in a teepee in the woods and is played by the guy who played Darryl on Newheart and now I can't take him seriously because he sounds exactly the same. Everyone looks all nervous about what he is going to do and what is it that he does? He injects some LSD into a sugar cube, ties Sayid to a tree (for his own good) and then forces him to take the cube. It's a truth serum. Sayid starts tripping out and tells them the truth. The truth which is so far fetched they all think Oldham gave him a bit too big of a hit. I mean, when you give a guy a drop of LSD and he goes on and on about being from the future, what else are you going to think? Of course, Sayid also knows way too much about the Island, and all of the hatches (some which aren't complete yet) and it raises some questions amongst the Dharminians. They bring Sayid back to jail.

Horace calls a meeting amongst the Dharma leaders to vote on whether or not they should kill Sayid. Everyone is freaking out because he knows too much and they all vote to kill him. Sawyer, not wanting to be the odd man out and lose his status amongst them, also votes to kill him.

Sawyer goes to tell Sayid what's about to happen and gives him one last out. He tells Sayid to hit him and take his keys and run. But, now Sayid doesn't want to leave. He feels he has a greater purpose there. Wow, that LSD really did a number on him. Sawyer's all, whatevs and leaves and heads over to Kate's house. Why, Sawyer, why? Oh, to yell at her. That's cool. He asks her why she came back. Just as she is about to answer, a flaming Dharma bus comes rolling down the hill and crashes into someone's house. Everyone goes into rescue mode to save their people.

Back in Sayid's cell, a young Ben approaches him wearing a hooded cloak. He breaks out Sayid and they flee to the jungle. While on the run, they run into Jin. Sayid asks Jin to let them go. He says he needs to call Sawyer first. Sayid knocks him out and takes his gun. Ben says they'll have to hurry. He looks at young Ben and says, "you were right about me. I am a killer". Ben's all, what? Then he shoots him. Sayid shoots young Ben!!!! And I feel so fucking bad for the dumb kid! God dammit, Sayid! Why can't you just play nice? Do you have any idea what kind of fucked up time loop paradox bullshit you've opened up? How is Ben ever supposed to grow up and do all of those things and get everyone back to the island if he is killed as a kid? But how will Sayid go back in time to kill him if Ben never grew up and did all the stuff he did as an adult? Ugh. Stupid stupid show. You better have a good explanation for this or you just Back to the Future'd yourself into a real corner.

How I Met Him

It was Saturday, October 30th, 1999.

I had the option to attend two different Halloween gatherings. One was close to my house in the suburbs, the other was in the city. I'm someone who wants to like Halloween. Every year around early September, I start to get all excited. I want to get the greatest costume and go out on the town. But, then it seems out of nowhere, it is the night before and I have purchased no costume and feel like going nowhere. This was the case on October 30th, 1999.

I had been back and forth all morning with a couple of friends who were trying to convince me to go out that night. One to the party in the burbs, the other to the city. I decided I would head to the mall, see if there were any costumes left, and decide from there.

I headed out with some friends and came home with a pair of fake leather pants, a blue feather boa, a blue wig, a tiara, and a sparkly tank top. Scary, right? It was the best I could do. I decided I would be Fabulous for Halloween.

I opted for the party in the suburbs. Since I wasn't too excited about going out in the first place, I thought it would be best to stay close to home.

Shortly before I was about to leave, I got a call from a friend. His band was playing at the party in the city. Their van broke down and they had no way to transport their equipment. Knowing I had access to a truck, they asked if I could lend them a hand.

This is where, I believe, fate stepped in.

If I had left the house for the party in the burbs, I never would have met you. I never would have gone to the city party. I never would have received the call from my friend. I never would have met you.

I got in the truck and headed to the city.

I first spoke to you as I came out of the bathroom. Your first words to me were: "did you wash your hands?". How very romantic. But you were cute and you said it with a smile.

Later, I ran into you in the kitchen where my dear friend, dressed as Marilyn Monroe, kept calling you Andrew McCarthy. See, you hadn't planned to attend this party, either. You were settled in at your apartment when you got a call from a friend who needed some moral support. He was going to attend a party of an ex-girlfriend and didn't want to go alone. After much begging, you relented and said you would go with him. Being it was late afternoon on the Saturday night before Halloween, a store bought costume was not an option. So, you threw on a beret, some sunglasses, tied some cables around your waist and went as...well, I don't know. You didn't know. But Marilyn thought you were Andrew McCarthy, so that is who you became.

I ran into you here and there throughout the night. Always with Marilyn who would get all giddy with her, "Hi Andreeeewwww!"

We were down in the basement watching the band play. You were talking to some guy neither of us knew. I was about to head upstairs. You both approached me. He said something I don't remember. You said, "you have a beautiful smile." I don't know what it was, but something about you seemed sincere and won me over right there. I grabbed your hand and dragged you upstairs. We were on the hunt for a pen and paper so I could give you my number. Surprisingly, there was not one to be found in the entire house. I came across a piece of ribbon, I dug in my purse for my lipstick and scribbled my number across the ribbon.

Of course, my friends then wanted to leave. They wanted to head out to the party in the burbs. I felt I should go with them, but didn't want to leave you.

We were standing in the dining room surrounded by mostly strangers...and you kissed me. It was wonderful. It was one of those moments where everything and everyone else disappeared and it was just you and I.
As my friends interrupted with their wanting to leave (I was the only one with a car at this point) they made the suggestion that you come with us. You agreed and we left. We made a pit stop at someone's house. We decided to stay there. I gave my friends the keys to my car and they took off. We spent the night getting to know each other.

I brought you home the next morning and you promised to call that night. I waited all day for your call. By the time I was ready for bed, I had not heard from you. As I crawled into bed thinking that I would never hear from you again, the phone rang. It was you. You said, "hello". I said, "when do I get to see you again?"

Lost, Episode 9 "Namaste"

The first question I have from last night's episode is: Where is Faraday? What did Sawyer Jim James LeFluer mean when he answered Jack's question of "Is Faraday here?" with "Not anymore." Where did he go???? And is he still wearing a tie?

We are back on the plane. Not the very first plane, but the second plane carrying our Oceanic 6 or 4 or 5 or whatever the number is. We get some nice shots of the passengers enjoying their nice little flight and waiting for the impending doom. (Imagine how intense it would be to be on a flight you knew was destined to crash. ) Frank's co-pilot mentions how he recognized Hurley as one of the Oceanic 6 (because who wouldn't recognize Hurly) and how odd it is that he got back on a flight travelling over the Pacific. Frank looks around mysteriously and then...the engines fail followed by a big flash of bright white light.

Frank's awesome piloting skills kick in and he brings the plane to a relatively safe landing. You have to wonder, though, how awesome a pilot he is that he knows how to crash land so well. If he was really that awesome, would he be crashing all the time?

They touch down on, what looks like, a sandy runway. He tries to slow the plane down, but are stopped, instead, by a hillside. After the impact, Frank looks to his co-pilot and sees him dead, impaled by a large tree branch.

He stumbles to the passenger portion of the plane. In first class, he only sees Sun, Caesar, the FBIchick, and a couple of other nameless people stumbling around. They all wonder where the rest of the O6 are. A voice comes up from behind, "They're gone." It's Ben. Well, duh, Ben. Way to state the obvious.

"Thirty Years Earlier" (that's what flashed on the screen)

We're back to where we left off last episode with Sawyer staring at Hurley, Jack , and his PreciousKate. Eventually someone moves and it's Hurley and he hugs Sawyer and Sawyer tells him to "ease up, Kong" and this makes Hurley's big heart burst with love because he has missed those nicknames so much. Jack walks up and, the douche that he is, just shakes his hand in a nice to do business with you way. Then Kate sidles up looking incredibly manly in a Linda Hamilton/Terminator 2 way and just asking to be made out with. They hug.

Since Jin's English is not quite good enough to explain what the hell is going on with this show and time travel (my English isn't even good enough for that), Sawyer brings them up to speed and explains to them that they are in the year 1977 and Sawyer and Jin have had to join the Dharma initiative to survive.

Sawyer then tries to get some information from Jack which is like trying to squeeze water from a rock. How did you get here? Where is John? How did he survive? Jack tells him none of that is important. Really? None of it? He does tell them that Sayid, Ben, and Sun also came back, but he doesn't know where they are. Jin grabs the jeep and takes off into the jungle to try to find the downed plane and his lovely wife.

Sawyer tells them to wait there and he is going to head back to camp and figure things out.

He gets back to his house and finally tells Juliette what is going on. You can see her soul being crushed by the thought of Kate being back and taking away her lovely little Dharma life with Sawyer. But, she decides to help because she has to and tells him there is a submarine full of new recruits coming in today (how convenient!) and they can get them into camp by saying they are new recruits. Sawyer grabs a bunch of clothes and heads back to the O6 (or O3 right now). Magically he has a sweatshirt large enough for Hurley. I like to think there was a time after joining Dharma that Sawyer got a little too comfortable and enjoyed all the Dharma food a little too much and let himself go a bit.

He explains to them that they will have to pretend to be new recruits. On the way to the sub, Sawyer explains some more things that I can't remember. He mentions Faraday and this is where my first question I mentioned above comes into play. Where is he? Where has he gone? This show needs his nerdy little quiet speaking self.

Meanwhile, Jin heads over to Radzinsky's hatch. I feel like I'm supposed to know who he is, but I don't. His hatch, however, is the same hatch that the eye patch guy lived in and that Locke blew up. Jin asks if a plane crash has happened. The guy is like, dude, if a plane crashed on the island, I think we'd all know. And he's right. But Jin is still all pissy and demands for the guy to call around to the other hatches. So he does.

And now we're going to flash forward/back/over/whatever to the plane crash peeps. Everyone is stumbling around and getting their bearings. Frank lies and says he doesn't know where they landed. Or, I guess technically he's telling the truth because no one knows where the island is. A nameless passenger points out that there are animal cages and old buildings on the island and that there is a larger island just around the corner and then I realize 2 things: 1) God dammit why are we being forced to deal with all of these nameless extras again? Including the guy from the show October Road that I used to love guiltily and that they took off the air without answering any of the hanging questions. 2) Holy crap! They're on the smaller island and maybe they are in 1977 like everyone else and Sun will find Jin and they will live happily ever after in their trippy little Dharma home.

Sun sees Ben wander off into the woods. She follows him. Frank sees Sun leave and follows her. They all meet somewhere in the middle. Ben says there are some canoes (!) on the island that he is going to use to get to the larger island. He says Sun came come with him. Frank asks if she trusts Ben. Sun says yes and they head to the boats. They get to the beach and Frank begs her to stay and not trust him. Sun asks him to come along. Frank says, as a pilot, he has to stay with the plane and passengers. Ben turns to him and spouts some crap and then tells them how he is going to get to the island and where he is going to land and then Sun knocks him upside the head with an oar.

Back in Dharmaville.....

Jin is still pressuring the guy about the plane when an alarm goes off. Someone has broken through the secured perimeter (this secured perimeter is turning out to not be so secure). Must be a Hostile! But we all know it won't be, right. Jin goes running out to the jungle followed closely by Radzinsky. He stumbles upon....a handcuffed Sayid!!! Jin looks happy but then Radzinsky shows up and Jin has to point a gun at Sayid and pretend he's a Hostile. They bring him back to the hatch.

Meanwhile...

Sayer and the O3 have arrived back at the Barracks where a big recruitment day celebration is happening. Sawyer explains to Jack, Kate, and Hurly how to act as new recruits. They are all dressed in these cute little late 70s outfits. He leads them to a building where they will be checked in. Juliette has managed to snag the submarine manifests and add the O3 names to it.

OH! I almost forgot to mention! So, Michelle Dressler - okay...Amy - is the one who is normally in charge of signing in the new recruits. But since she just had a baby yesterday, Juliette offers to do it for her. When Juliette goes to see her, she asks what she named her baby boy. And she named him: Ethan!!! Juliette is holding little Ethan when she says this and you can see her get a little grossed out, as I would, holding someone as a baby that you know as an adult. But, here's the thing: Ethan's last name is Rom. I know neither Amy or Horace have that last name. So are the writer's reaching here? Why does he have a completely different last name? But...whatever.

Anyhoo....Jack, Hurly, and Kate all go to get checked in. Jack sits down for his "interview". His new uniform says "Workman". Jack is confused about this and the interviewer tells him that his aptitude test says he would make an excellent Janitor. HA! So funny. Not that there's anything wrong with being a Janitor, but you know this is a huge insult to Dr. Jack Shepard.

Kate is standing by looking ohsopretty. A man comes up to her and asks her her name. He says she's not on the manifest. She starts to panic. But then Juliette turns up and says she has an updated list with Kate on it and I love that Juliette totally did this on purpose to make Kate sweat. I'm starting to really like Juliette.

Sawyer gets a call on his walkie talkie from Jin. He tells him about Sayid. Sawyer leaves to go help Jin out.
Jin and Radzinsky have put Sayid in a closet. Sawyer brings him out for "questioning", but really he's trying to explain to him what's going on by telling him he has to admit to being a hostile due to the truce otherwise they will have to kill him. Sayid admits to it and they bring him back to the barracks and lock him up.

Back on plane crash island....

It is dark and Sun and Frank are back at the canoes. They make it to the pier on the other island. And right away we know something is wrong. The lights over the pier are all rusty and knocked over. It's looking very Camp Crystal Lake. In fact, this whole scene plays out like a horror movie. Sun and Frank slowly make their way up the pier. They see something that would have to be quite large moving around in the trees (Smokey?). As they make their way to the camp, we realize that they are not in 1977 like everyone else. They are standing in the same spot as Jack/Kate/Hurly were being recruited, but everything is run down. Windows are boarded up. Signs are falling down. Metal is rusted. And I am sad. No Sun/Jin reunion. A light turns on in one of the cottages. The door slowly creeps open and I wholly expect to see Jason Voohries standing there because I am totally creeped out. But it's not Jason. No. It is Christian Shepard, who is just as creepy. Sun calmly asks him if he knows Jin. He tells her to follow him. She agrees to follow the creepy man living alone in some abandoned cottages in the middle of the jungle on a deserted island. He takes her to the recruitment room and pulls a group photo off the wall from 1977. He tells Sun that Jin is with her friends. She's all "Whaaaaat?" He shows her a picture. There is Kate, Jack , and Hurley all smiles in the new recruit photo.

Is that the end?

No.

Back in Dharmaville....

I left some things out. When Sawyer brought Sayid back to camp, Jack saw this and looked all pissed. So now, he's wandering around looking for Sawyer's house to ask him what the hell.

Jack is pointed towards Sawyer's house, but when he knocks on the door, Juliette answers. They hug and smile and he apologizes for going to the wrong house. She says, nope, you're in the right house and opens the door and there is Sawyer reading a book and relaxing. Oh, snap! It all starts to click in Jack's tiny janitorial brain. No Juliette for you! Jack asks about Sayid and what Sawyer plans to do and then gets all pissy because Sawyer is reading and not running around frantically getting everyone killed which Sawyer then totally owns Jack and says basically that all Jack ever did was react and it managed to get a lot of people killed and that Sawyer is a thinker and he is reading to relax his mind so the answer will come. Jack gets that dumb look he always gets and says that Sawyer is wrong because he got everyone off the island and I'm left thinking: no you didn't! Sawyer, Juliette, John, Miles, Faraday, Charlotte, Claire, Bernard, Rose, Vincent, and Jin were all left behind. Everyone else died. You got PreciousKate off the island and a couple of other people so shut up, Jack. Sawyer agrees with me and tells Jack to get lost. He then steps outside and sees Kate standing on her porch, watching his house. He waves politely. She waves back with a look on her face like she doesn't understand why he hasn't made out with her yet even though she just had sex with Jack the day before.

We then cut to the jail where Sayid is being kept. Someone is approaching the cell with a bag of food. He gives it to Sayid. They start to chat and Sayid asks the kid his name. "I'm Ben." Duh-duh-duhhhhhhhhhhh.

The end.

Gotta say they did one heck of a job casting young Benjamin Linus:

I think I know why Sun and Ben did not flash back in time. Is it because there are already versions of them there? Ben's tween self. And maybe Sun is Dr. Chang's baby? Maybe? Huh? You think?

I don't know anymore.

All I want is for the following things to happen:

1. Desmond and Penny live happily ever after.
2. Sawyer and Juliette live happily ever after.
3. Number 2 happens because Juliette gives Kate the beatdown of her life while Sawyer stands there laughing.
4. Sun and Jin have the most beautiful heartwrenching reunion ever.
5. Jack spends the rest of his years cleaning Dharma toilets.

This is my ideal ending.

Yellow Plastic Of Pain

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, all my brother and I wanted was a Slip N' Slide. If you are too young to remember the glory of the Slip N'Slide, well you are very fortunate.

The Slip N' Slide was a long piece of yellow plastic. Almost like a big yellow garbage bag. This was all it was. (Wow. I just remembered that was all it was.) You then set your sprinkler(s) so that the water would land on the slide. From a certain amount of feet back, you would run and then swan dive (or nosedive - as was my brother's case) on the slide and glide on down.

These were the games we had in the early 80s.


After much much begging my mom gave in and let us get a Slip N' Slide. She was very anti-Slip N' Slide, and for good reason. I don't know if having a kid throw themselves on the hard ground head first is a good idea. And, like most things my mom bought, I'm sure it wasn't an actual Slip N' Slide. I'm sure it was some alternative generic brand. For example, when Cabbage Patch Kids first came around, I wanted one. So for Christmas, I got one. But it wasn't a real Cabbage Patch Kid. I was so stubborn and would yell at anyone who told me otherwise. Until one of my relatives showed me how her real one had "Xavier Roberts" sewn on the bottom. Mine did not and I no longer loved it.

But really, the Slip N' Slide was a sheet of plastic, so what did it matter?

We set it up in the backyard that day. It was me, my brother Scotty - who was probably around 11 years old, and my niece Kimi - who is about a year and a half older than me. We were told to wait until the sprinkler had really saturated the slide.

Once faced with this new "game", I was actually sort of scared. Running full speed and diving into/onto the ground suddenly didn't sound very much fun anymore. But I had to give it a go. And since I was spoiled and a brat, I got to go first.

I ran fast and down I went. And it was glorious. It was everything I had hoped that sheet of plastic would be.

Next up was Kimi. She went running along the grass and down onto the slide and knocked the wind right out of herself. She repeated this every single time. She would get down on the slide and not be able to breathe. This was my mother's big fear. But Kimi kept trying. My mom eventually told Kimi that maybe Slip N' Slide wasn't her thing.

So Scotty and I continued to enjoy ourselves...for a while...until...

Scotty took a running leap onto the slide - nose first - and came up looking like a horror movie. He had broken his nose. Blood was gushing everywhere. My mom ran and got a towel...a white one. It was soaked red immediately. I was terrified. I thought he was dead. He kept trying to get me to come near him, but I kept screaming "you're dead!" Obviously, no one had explained death to me at this point.

Scotty found this hysterical and even through all his pain, he took pleasure in torturing me. He followed me around the yard and the house with his nose dripping blood. I screamed.

Eventually, my mom called him off and told us all Slip N' Slide would be no more. I didn't want to play on it anymore anyway. It had blood on it. After seeing Scotty, blood has terrified me. Just the slightest sight of it makes me want to pass out.

My mom packed up the slide and threw it in the trash.

I never used Slip N' Slide again.

Cored

I did yoga for the first time yesterday.

My friend is training to be an instructor. She needed a complete yoga novice to come in to her class, so I volunteered. Let me tell you, yoga is not for the weak.

I was a little unclear of how the session would go. My thought is that each trainee would sit with their student (me) and be asked to bring them through a series of movements. So my total actual yoga time would be maybe 5 - 10 minutes.
It was 2 hours.

They set up the training as an actual class. All of the yoga participants had never done it before (or so they said). Each of the instructor trainees took turns bringing the entire class through the movements. One would start off and then the next one would take over and so on.

If this were a real class, it would have taken an hour. Since they were learning, it took two. They moved through everything slower and would also, at times, forget how to get us from one position to the next , so we would be stuck there holding a pose for a lot longer than needed.

Needless to say, I am extremely sore today.

All in all, I thought they did well. I guess I enjoyed it. When I was doing it, I was eager to be done. It was incredibly difficult. I have never set so much. I was dripping. My heart was racing. And if they asked me to get into the downward facing dog pose one more time, I was going to scream. That is supposedly a resting pose. But I'm pretty sure it's the reason I can't lift my arms over my head today. I was not rested while doing it.

I was amazed at some of the things that we were told to do on our first day of class. See the picture below as one example:

I do not trust my wrists that much.

When I was done, I felt amazing. I felt lighter. My limbs felt loose. I felt limber. It was incredible.
But today, I hurt. I really really hurt.

It's hard to say if I'll do it again. I was given a free week of yoga for coming to the class. My friend asked me to join her this Saturday. I might try it again to see what a real one hour faster paced class is like. Unfortunately, a yoga club membership is super expensive and I just can't afford that right now.

In other news....

It was a beautiful spring weekend here. High 50s all weekend. Sunny skies. Just gorgeous.

We had our pictures taken this weekend. It will be my mother-in-law's 60th birthday next week. All she wants is a picture of her kids/daughter -in-law/grandkid. We hired a friend of mine to do the pictures. I am just not a very photogenic person. I hated pretty much every single picture of me, but I thought everyone else looked great. Maybe it's just my self esteem. I just don't like to pose. I love taking pictures. Stupid random pictures when you're out with friends. But I just can't stand there and pose and smile. I feel so awkward.

Speaking of friends, I got to spend some time with a good friend on Saturday night. We don't connect as much anymore and it was really great to hang out with her and just talk. I love her and miss her in my life. Although, I paid for it Sunday morning and during yoga. Not a good idea to be hungover and starving while attempting yoga for the first time.

Now it's Monday and it is an unbelievably beautiful 65 degrees outside and I am stuck at my desk with my muscles cramping up. I plan to go for a quick bike ride when I get home. I have some errands to run and thought it would be nice to do it on my bike. But as sore as I am, I'm having some doubts. It's only for a few miles...how bad can it be?

America...It's Your Top Twelve!

American Idol's Top 12 - or, wait, Top 13 - started this week. They are on the big stage now and I am still entirely unimpressed. I think last season just spoiled me into thinking this could be an actual legitimate talent show instead of just another reality show being "casted" for entertainment purposes. Those were Simon's words, not mine. Yes, he finally admitted that the show is not based on talent, but on what role you fit in the season. He also said last night that you can be artistic, but not on this show. I think that's quite the slap in the face to last year's contestants, who were the most artistic bunch they've ever had.

Having said that, it almost seems like they are "casting" this season as the Bizarro World to last season. Just look at the cast members:

We'll start with Adam Lambert. He has the same rock n' roll swagger and flat ironed hair of David Cook, but he sounds like a lost member of Ratt and his sexy stares to the camera make me feel like I'm being violated, not seduced. Also, he doesn't play an instrument like Cook, but he seems to find ways to play with himself during his performances. He just really grosses me out.

Kris Allen (who? Exactly) is the safer version of Jason Castro. They just took Jason, cut off his dreads, sent him to bible camp, and then stuck him on stage to sing Michael Jackson two weeks in a row.

Danny Gokey is David Archuletta all grow'd up. Except, somehow, he is way more saccharine, cheesy, and Mormon. And he's not even Mormon (I don't think). The producers somehow think of him as the perfect combination of Archuletta and Cook. This is such an insult to Cook - and Archuletta, for that matter. This guy bugs me more than anyone I have ever seen on my television. He has frames for his glasses to match each outfit he owns. What's with that? Ugh. Hate.

Jasmine wants to be Syesha Mercado. She really does. She will keep singing the big boring ballads that nobody has ever heard before, opening her mouth wider and wider because that somehow means she has a powerful voice even though the note she was attempting to sing is long lost and found it's way to her nose.

Alexis Grace is another in the long line of white girls who think they sing like black women, ala Carly Smithson. Shouting into a mic does not equal having a big powerful voice no more that opening your mouth really wide does. She has a 3 note range that she shouts into something more. Funny thing, though, I actually like her. I think she should just take it down a notch.

The rest of the season's cast is pretty forgettable. So much so, that none of them are coming to mind....except Anoop Desai. Even though he is not living up to expectations, I still like him. He just seems like a really cool, funny, smart guy to hang out with. And he can sing. And he doesn't take himself seriously. And he has fun on stage.

It looks like on tonight's results show two cast members are going home. There is also another surprise twist involving the judges. Rumor has it that the judges will ask the bottom two (or four or three) do a sing off and they will decide who goes home. I really dislike this idea as it takes away the voter's choice and it makes it that much easier for the judges to get their Chosen One(s) to the finale.

Lost is not on tonight for a reason that no one can seem to tell me. I thought the whole point of starting in January and shortening the seasons was so there were no breaks between episodes. So what gives? It's pissing me off.

But, I guess that gives me more time to watch America's Next Top Moron (makeover episode!) and the as for mentioned American Idol results show.

In Other News...

I'm currently reading Sula by Toni Morrison. This is my third Toni Morrison book (Beloved and Jazz being the other two) and it just reinforces my realization that she is going to be my favorite writer. Her books are like poetry. I wish I could describe things the way she can. I can't even describe why I like her so much. Her books are just so beautiful in a really heartbreaking and ugly way. Like, how life and the world is. Like how someone who has been through a lot and been a lot of places and seen a lot of things might have a face a bit more weathered and wrinkled than someone their own age, but it just makes them all the more beautiful because you know they have stories to tell. Does that make sense? I read her books and I am inspired to write, but then I sit down and realize there is a reason she is Toni Morrison and I am not.

Lost Episode 8, "LaFleur"

From the previews last week, I was concerned that this episode was going to be all about the Sawyer and Kate reunion and their undying love for each other and I was going to vomit. For the most part, it wasn't. But underneath, it was. And that makes me angry. But at least we only had 30 seconds of Kate face time, so I shouldn't be too upset.

This episode goes back and forth between two time periods. 1974 and 1977. 1974 is the time that the Losties have flashed to after Locke turns the wheel. 1977 is the time that the O6 have crashed to three years later. Let's start with 1974. I think it will be an easier story to tell if I just split them up.

We start off where we left the Losties on the island: Sawyer holding a rope going to nowhere and the realization that they are stuck in some unknown time and that Locke is gone, most likely dead, and they will never be saved. As they contemplate "when" they are, Miles sees something in the distance and realizes they've gone way way way way back....It's the top of the 4 toed statue!!! What an awesome sight to see! It looks kind of like Jar Jar Binks from the back. I'f I was more of a geek than I am, I'm sure I could go off on a tangent linking Star Wars and Lost, but luckily, I am not that much of a geek. But I do love Star Wars.

Then it was gone. Jar Jar got 5 seconds of screentime and then that was it. I know the writer's said the statue will be addressed this season, but I really hope that was not just it. But I don't know how we will see it again. Because....

We were suddenly flashed back with Locke in the hole turning the wheel and then I got nervous. Lost has been known to do this before. It will completely replay scenes from a previous episode from a "different perspective" and try to act like it's new. We had already seen the first part of Sawyer with the rope, and now we're watching Locke push the wheel...again. But, thankfully, that was it. Up above ground, the sky flashed again, Jar Jar disappeared and the well was back. Sawyer tried to jump in after his friend, but in this time period, the well had been filled in. Locke was still gone.

Everyone started to realize that their headaches have left them and their nosebleeds have stopped. Could it be that Locke survived and he did fix things? They are all relieved the flashes have stopped, but are unsure of what to do next. They decide to head back to the beach, but first they must pick up Daniel.

They find Daniel slumped over a clearing in the grass. Charlotte is nowhere. Daniel is crying. They try to get him to tell them what happened, but he seems to have gone a bit mad. He just keeps saying, "she's gone." He says that when the last flash happened, she went with it. Poor sad Daniel. Sawyer takes on the leadership role and says they should head to the beach. Miles wants to know why, what is the point. Sawyer knows that's where Locke will try to find them, so they should make camp there. Since no one had any better ideas, they head to the beach. I am constantly amazed that they can find their beach from any point on the island.

As they are walking to the beach and Sawyer and Juliette are bonding, they hear gunfire. They come across a couple who had been having a picnic and two armed men. One armed man shoots the picnic guy and the other armed man puts a bag over picnic lady's head...very reminiscent of when The Others caught Kate and put a bag over her head. Those were the days.

They debate on whether or not they should step in before the woman is killed. Sawyer goes for it and he and Juliette march up, guns drawn. Armed Man #1 is about to take a shot and Sawyer kills him. Armed Man #2 tries the same and Sawyer kills him. So, does that mean that they would have died out there anyway whether or not Sawyer killed them? Doesn't the island course correct? Can someone in the past die at an earlier time than they originally did? So many crazy time travel questions. I guess I just can't dwell on it.

They take the bag off the woman's head and it's Michelle Dressler from 24! Hi, Michelle and your crazy eyes and cabbage patch head! Okay, so her name is actually Amy. But she will always be Michelle to me. Remember when she was stuck in the building with the toxic gas back when 24 was good?

Anyway, she tells them that the dead picnic guy is her husband Paul and I can't believe we have another new character to get to know. She asks who they are and Sawyer lies and says they were on their way to Tahiti and their boat crashed. They were just out looking for some missing members of their crew. She freaks out and says they have to bury the armed men's bodies because they had a truce and this will ruin it. They tell her they will help her bury them and also bring Paul's body back to her camp.

They bury two grown men's bodies in a record amount of time with no shovel and without getting themselves dirty and head to her camp. Sawyer and the gang do some schemeing on their way there. He tells them to let him do all the talking because he used to be a liar for a living. Eventually they come across the sonic fence that fries your brain. Juliette demands that Amy turns it off. Amy is confused about why Juliette thinks it's dangerous. She says it looks dangerous and Amy goes to turn it off...but does she? She walks through the fence just fine and then the Losties follow and ZAP! They are fried. Camera pans to Amy who pulls out some ear plugs. What a liar.

Sawyer comes to on a couch in a game room. A man is standing over him. It is Horace. I vaguely remember Horace from an earlier episode. Someone, I think it was Locke, was in the woods and Horace appeared chopping wood. He said some deep crap and then his nose started to bleed and then he was gone. I also recall that everyone on the internets was certain that Horace was Jacob because their profiles matched. Then no one spoke of Horace again. So now I don't really remember his significance. But either way, here he is.

Sawyer asks where his friends are and Horace explains they are fine and all said that Sawyer would give up their information. Sawyer says his name is Jim LaFleur and tells the Tahiti story. He says they were an exploration vessel looking for the remains of the Black Rock (!). He asks Horace if he has heard of it and Horace says no. Is he lying? How could Dharma not have come across the ship in the middle of the island yet? He tells Sawyer they have a submarine that is leaving in the morning and will take him and his friends to Tahiti. Sawyer begs him to let him stay and search for his "missing crew". Horace says, no way, yo, you will be leaving the island.

Sawyer reunites with his friends and Hey! It's Othersville! Actually, it's in a time where it was still Dharmaville and all the little Dharma hippy scientists are running around merrilly. Sawyer tells them, disappointgly, that they have to leave the next morning. Miles sees no problem with this. Daniel sees young Charlotte playing and he gets all emotional. Suddenly an alarm begins to sound. They are whisked away into one of the houses. Guns are drawn. In the middle of the courtyard walks Richard Alpert - and I got sidetracked for a minute, but do you think young Ben Linus is at camp already?.

Horace goes out to speak with Richard. Richard is pissed because Dharma broke the truce by killing two of The Hostiles. I'm pretty sure that Richard does not call his people Hostiles, but that is what Dharma calls them. Eventually they will all just become The Others and things will be more simple...or more complicated. I don't know.

Horace returns to the cabin and tells everyone Richard is, like, really pissed off. Sawyer says he'll go out and talk to Mr. Eyeliner since he's the one who actually killed them. Next, Sawyer does something that was so completely unexpected and that I was hoping he would do....he tells Richard the truth! He first tells him that he killed the Armed Men after they tried to take a shot at him and that it was self defense. Then he explains that he is not a part of Dharma. He asks Richard if they ever buried the bomb, the bomb Jughead. He tells him he knows that 20 years ago, a bald limping man stumbled into Richard's camp claiming to be their leader and that his name was John Locke and that now Sawyer is waiting for John to return. Richard looks blown away and asks just for some sort of retribution for the killing of his men.

Sawyer and Horace go to ask Amy for her husband's body to give to The Hostiles so that the truce will be held. She cries for a bit, take a necklace from around Paul's neck, and says okay. Horace thanks Sawyer for his help and tells him that the submarine will be back in two weeks and can leave then. Meanwhile, they can use that two weeks to search for their crew.

Sawyer runs off to tell Juliette that he bought them two weeks. Juliette says she is going to leave in the morning. After trying for 3 years to get off the island, she can't pass up the opportunity. Sawyer explains that all she wants to go back to doesn't exist yet and that John will be back and that she can't leave him with Daniel and the guy who talks to dead people. She looks at him lovingly and says she will give him the two weeks but that she will leave then.....

Three Years Later

Yep, that was just half the episode. Here is what is going on in the present...or the more recent past...or whatever.

The episode really started with two people we don't know in one of the hatches (the one that the Nigerian plane landed on top of - the question mark). It's a couple straight out of the 1970s. They're getting down to some groovy tunes. The man is dressed in Dharma gear. Another man in Dharma gear bursts in and starts yelling at the guy that she is not supposed to be there and he is not doing his job. He says that the people he is watching are doing the same old thing and it's boring. The woman then sees something on one of the monitors. It's a man out by the sonic fence. He is obviously drunk. He starts throwing dynamite! The two Dharma dudes freak out and argue about whether or not to tell Jim. The one guy wins and they head over to Jim's barracks. Jim comes to the door. It's Sawyer! He throws on his Dharma gear (labeled Head of Security) and goes to get his partner. It's Miles! They head out to the fence.
The drunk man turns out to be Horace. They have to keep his drunkness a secret because he seems to be the head of the Dharma group. They bring him back home to his very pregnant wife. It's Michelle Dressler! I mean Amy! Turns out she and Horace hooked up after Paul died. She tells Sawyer that she and Horace got in a fight because of Paul. Then...she goes into labor!!!! Oh noes! Will she live? Can she have a baby on the island?

This is where my memory gets a little shady because the episode kept flipping back and forth between the times and I can't quite remember if I'm forgetting something or not.

They bring her to the "hospital" and the doctor there says that the baby is breached. She will need a ceasarean that he can't give because he's not a surgeon. It seems all women are sent off the island to give birth. But, Sawyer knows one woman who can do it. He runs off to find Juliette.
Juliette is now a mechanic. Surgeon/Mechanic. They're kind of the same, right? She tells Sawyer that all the time she's been there, she has never been able to deliver a baby with any survivors. I know this was true in the past - I mean future - but is she talking about now, as well? Sawyer talks her into giving it a shot. She heads to the "hospital" and Sawyer waits outside.

Jin shows up. His english is darn near perfect. He tells Sawyer they've screened area 133 and found nothing. Sawyer says to move on to 134. Jin asks how long they will have to look.

Juliette comes outside and all went well. Amy and baby are fine. She had a boy. (They never say the baby's name and I'm left to wonder if the baby is someone we already know.) So does this mean that whatever stops women from having a baby hasn't happened yet? Does this have to do with the bomb that was buried? Remember the "incident" that was referred to in one of the orientation videos between Dharma and The Hostiles. Does that cause it? I want to know!!!!

Sawyer goes to tell Horace he has a boy. He asks what they were fighting about. Horace tells him he found Paul's necklace in her sock drawer and was pissed because she never let him go. Sawyer then goes on about how he loved a girl once (Kate) and that he never thought he would get over her, but now he doesn't even remember her face. This makes me so happy. But it is so obviously forshadowing.

Later on, Sawyer come home from a long day of Dharma work with a flower. For who? For Juliette! It looks like these two have shacked up. I don't really buy it, but whatever. There chemisty is all off. It seems really forced. Actually, she seems kind of repulsed by him. It turns out they're in love. Awwww....

They wake up the next morning to the phone ringing. It's Jin. He needs Sawyer to come right away. We all know why, but he doesn't tell Juliette.

He takes off in his Dharma car and meets Jin in his Dharma van on some random beach. Out comes Hurley, Jack, and the most wonderfully beautiful, but forgettable, woman in the world....Kate. Amazingly, she is not crying. But she does look buffed up and a bit like Linda Hamilton fromTerminator 2. We get another minutes worth of Sawyer Drool as her stares at Kate and then that's it.

Show over.

My main question that was brought up from this episode, of course, deals with time travel. When does this start to happen for Dharma and The Hostiles? Richard still seems confused by the very thought of it. Dharma is still free to come and go from the island in thier submarine. And up until Jack blows it up, this was still an option. But Ben has all that money from different time periods - or was it just different places? - so it seems that he was able to travel through time already. And Richard never ages, yet doesn't travel through time. Is there a Foutain of Youth thing here? We know, from this season't first episode, that at some point soon Daniel will help to build the Orchid where the Frozen Donkey Wheel is. Does this start the time travel? The last Orientation video seemed to indicate this, right? With the rabbits?

I hate time travel.

The TV Is Taking Over

Now that the holidays are long gone, new seasons of tv shows are starting to crowd my life. It's sad. Really sad. I plan my week around programming. Even with my DVR, I still prefer to watch "live" so that I am sure to go unspoiled.

It seems Wednesday night (tonight) is the new "must see tv" night. Every show wants to be on Wednesdays. I have American Idol, Lost, starting tonight America's Next Top Model, and whenever they get their legal issues out of the way: Project Runway. It's overwhelming. Why do I do this?

I am amazed at the people who don't watch tv and those who love to tell you that they don't even own a television. Well, la di da. I've always been a homebody and believe going out is for the weekends. Who can afford to go out night after night? I sure can't. So, maybe I should be reading instead. Well, I read on the bus. I like to save my reading for then. Should I maybe find a hobby? I have hobbies and I indulge them....when my shows aren't on.

It's really not as bad as I'm making it seem. I think the main problem is that when I am not watching tv on a week night, I'm on the computer. Either way, I'm staring at some box all night long.

But, so what? I enjoy my programming. Most of them, anyway. Some of them have become more of an obligation. Some I have learned to let go. Some I hope to do the same.

But some, some I really truly enjoy. Some play like a really good novel. Some are just all out entertaining. Some are just so ridiculous that I can't look away. These are the shows that I watch:

Mondays: Mondays are a free night for now. I used to watch 24. But they lost me after season 4 (I think. I can't keep track. It was the one where President Logan was the bad guy. I think that was his name). I loved that season. Then I started to watch the next season and just thought, meh. I don't care anymore.

Then there was Heroes. The first season started out promising, but only led to disaster. What a shitty shitty show.

Now I am just waiting for Prison Break to return. It's taking a long hiatus. It was last seen in December and is due to return mid-April to play out it's final act. I love this show so ridiculously much. I will miss it when it is gone. But it is its time to go.

Then, hopefully, my Monday's will stay tv free for good.

Tuesdays: Tuesdays are now dedicated to American Idol...sometimes. Their schedule is really weird this season. They seem to be switching back and forth from Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Either way, I devoted two hours of my life to it yesterday. I have many regrets.

Wednesdays: Oh dear god Wednesdays. Wednesdays are completely lost to me now. I have no time for anything but what I watch. For example, here is how tonight will play out:

7:00 - 8:00 American Idol
7:00 - 9:00 America's Next Top Model. I will try to watch American Idol and the first half of ANTM at the same time, flipping back and forth. I will then have to record the second half because...
8:00-9:00 Lost. Must watch Lost. Can never not watch Lost. I love Lost.
9:00-9:30 Second half of ANTM. Luckily, it is only 2 hours long on the season opener. I should be able to go back and forth between it and American Idol most Wednesdays. Except for the nights when American Idol is two hours. That is when things will get really tricky.

Eventually Project Runway will be back and that is usually on from 9:00-10:00. Ugh. Too much.

I told myself I wouldn't watch American Idol this year, but then I got sucked in. There is not a single person I am rooting for (yet) but it is such a train wreck of a season that I can't turn away. I had also told myself last year that I would never watch America's Next Top Model again, but here I go again. It doesn't help that I've joined an office pool to pick the winner.

Thursdays: The Office. This is the only show I watch on Thursdays and it is quickly losing my interest. It has been so bad lately.
I used to watch Survivor on Thursdays, too. Well, I would watch every other season. But I've missed the last two and I think I am officially done with the show. Thank god.

And that's really it. So, it's not so bad. I think I'm just overwhelmed by Wednesdays. And American Idol. My god that show is time consuming. It will take up 4 hours of my television viewing this week. It's not like that every week, but it is always, at least, two hours. Why do I do this to myself?

Did I mention baseball season is starting soon?.....

The Story of Jaycer

Each and every day I love my dog a little more. Each day I don't think it's possible, but then he does something; he cocks his head a new way, he walks me to the door when I leave for work, he dances around the kitchen jumping up to give me a kiss, he gets the most excited look on his face when I grab one of his toys, etc, etc, etc and I feel so honored that he is in my life. At the same time, though, I always think about the dog I had as a child and how I feel I failed her even though I was only 10 years old at the time.

My dad and had just moved to a townhouse off a county road that sat along a creek. It was 2 levels and had a really cool loft that overlooked the living room. The living room itself had sky-high ceilings and a huge fireplace. The townhouse below us was rented out by my sister and her family. There were about 8 of these homes in this development. Behind us where huge hills filled with trees and meant for kids to run and play. There was a rope swing over the creek. There was no traffic. And every house had a dog. Each dog was allowed to run around free and they were all friendly. As a 10 year old girl, this place was like heaven.

I begged my dad for a dog. I'd always wanted one, but we always lived in apartments, so it was never an option. Now we were living in dog paradise, and I assumed, as usual, that we would be living here forever. This time we would stay. I hoped we would stay. It was the happiest I'd been since my mom died.

Then one day, he relented and we drove to the local vet/humane society. We walked up and down the cages. The dogs all barking and crying. Then I saw her. She was laying down in her cage with her nose sticking out of the cage door. She just looked up with her big brown eyes and her tail thumped on the floor. I had found her. I had found my dog.

She was listed as a black lab mix, but about half the size. I think she weighed between 40 and 50 pounds. She was all black except for a white spot on her chest. She was said to be about a year or two old.

Dad took care of the business end and we left. I was so excited. We stopped at the grocery store to get food and supplies. I stayed in the car with her, Jaycee. That is what I named her. I don't remember why. I know I had a reason. But, the German in my dad always added in 'r' to the end and middle of words and she became Jaycer.

As I sat in the car with Jaycer, people would walk by and comment on how cute she was. I felt so proud.

She became my best friend immediately. I introduced her to the neighbors and all of their dogs. She was so friendly. She loved everyone. She let us kids do whatever we wanted with her. Except play fetch. If you picked anything up - a stick, can, rock, etc. - she would start to cower and shrink away. I assume she was beaten by her previous owners. But she never growled or nipped. She didn't like the water, either. I took her up to the local swimming hole, yes swimming hole, and she would not go near the water. As I swam, she ran up and down the shore barking for me to come back.

My dad bought her a really nice dog house, but she would never go in. I would crawl in there and try to get to join me, but she was having none of it. She ended up sleeping inside.

She became especially friendly with the german shepard up the road. His name was Brandy and he was huge. He had to weigh over 150 pounds. He loved her. One day I caught him loving her a little too much. I knew what they were doing to an extent and I didn't like it. I kept trying to get her away from him, but he kept coming back. My dad finally saw them and pulled Jaycer inside. Brandy spent the night attacking our house. This 150 pound dog lunged at our windows and doors, barking all night. The next morning, there were huge claw marks down our front door. He really dug her.

After that, if she was outside, they would run off together for the night. She would come back sometime the next day. I don't know where they went. I like to think they had a little love nest somewhere in the woods.

Well, obviously, she got pregnant. The day she had her puppies, she crawled into her dog house for the first time. I tried to pet her, but she growled and snapped at me. It was the only time she ever did that. But she did let my dad come near her. I still think that was pretty cool. I don't know what she sensed in him that made her think he was okay to be near her during that time. Maybe she just knew he was an adult and more capable of care. He sat outside her dog house the whole time, rubbing her back. When she was done, we had 14 puppies. All but 5 survived.

I was thrilled, unlike my dad. He now had 10 dogs to care for. Of course, I wanted to keep them all, but he convinced me that they would be better off at other homes. I started looking around for potential families.

One of my neighbors, who already owned a doberman named Bubba, took one of the puppies. Bubba was terrified of the puppies. They would all go chasing after him and he would run away, so scared.

One of my sister's gave one to her friend who owned a farm.

Her son had to come to live with us around this time. I loved my nephew. He was a year older than me and a bad influence. He became close to the teenage girl down the road. I thought she was so cool. Cool enough that I let her pierce my ears with a potato, some ice, and and a safety pin. Needless to say, they got infected and I took them out and let the holes close.

We were down to 7 puppies. I can't recall if anymore were given away. I believe we got rid of a couple more, but I'm not sure.

My dad told me we would have to give them all away. We just couldn't afford it. So one day, he packed the puppies and me in the car and he headed out of town. I thought we were going to the humane society, but we were heading out to farm land. He pulled over and told me to let them out. I couldn't believe it. I started to bawl. I screamed, I begged. He relented and we went home, puppies in tow.

A couple of weeks later, my dad gathered up the puppies once again and said he was taking them to the humane society. I made him promise me he was telling me the truth. I said my goodbyes to them and he left. He came home about a half hour later and went about his business. My nephew pulled me aside and said, "you know the humane society is much farther away. He got home way too fast. He just left them on the side of the road." I started to cry. But I didn't say anything to my dad. I couldn't believe he could actually do that.

As an adult now, I understand that my dad grew up on a farm and the dogs he had were not pets. They were used for hunting. Puppies were most likely "taken care of" in whatever way was necessary. He couldn't afford to take care of all of Jaycer's puppies anymore, so he took care of them.

Now the puppies were gone and I think even Jaycer was relieved. She hated being a mother. She would take off running when they tried to feed. She would pick them up and shake them around. She was happy again when they were gone.

The day eventually came. My dad said we had to move. I was devestated. We moved all of the time, but I really liked it there. I knew we'd end up in another tiny apartment in some smelly apartment building. There would be no grass. There would be no creek. There would be no hills. There would be no Jaycer.
Of course our new apartment wouldn't take dogs. I was angry. I begged and begged and begged him to let us stay, but we had to go. To this day, I still don't know why. We didn't move that far. I guess, maybe, the rent was too much at the townhome? That is the only reason I can think of, because my dad seemed really happy there, too.

I asked him what would happen to Jaycer. He said my sister, who lived below us, said she would take her. I became okay with this. Jaycer could stay with her friends and I could visit her and my sister all the time.

We moved away and gave a Jaycer a tearful goodbye and told her I would be back really soon.

But being 10 years old, I didn't have much say in that or reliable transportation.

It was a long time before I got back there to check up on her. My dad had to do some work in town and I asked him to drop me off my sister's so I could visit. He did. After what happens, I don't know why he let me.

I knocked on my sister's front door and no one was home. I heard her little dog inside barking, but no Jaycer. I started calling for her, screaming at the top of my little girl lungs, "Jaycer! Come here! Jaycer!" I screamed and cried for her for almost an hour. Then, out of the woods, I saw her. She came running towards me and jumped on me so hard, she almost knocked me down. She slobbered me with dog kisses and I was so happy. I found her. She remembered me. She remembered her name.

Then my dad pulled up.

He told me it was time to go. I begged him to stay. Then I begged him to let her come with us. But he said no. I told him I was sure my sister had not been watching her. He said she had and not to worry about it. He dragged me in the car and all I could do was look out the back window through eyes streaming with tears and watch her watch me leave with her head tilted.

I never saw her again.

I don't even have a picture of her.

It has been almost 20 years since that day, and I still can't think about it without crying. I can't think about her without crying. I miss her everyday and wonder everyday what happened to her.

I have never asked my sister for the truth. Did she really care for her? They moved not long after that and they didn't bring her with her. I like to believe they tried and she just ran away, maybe with Brandy to their love nest in the woods. That's what I tell the 10 year old girl in me who still can't forgive herself.