Oui!

A friend of mine is planning a two to three week trip to Europe and Africa, spending most of her time in France as she used to live there. She sent out a request that her friends and family should find time during her trip to fly to France for lunch with the idea that how cool would it be to randomly see people from back home while you are abroad.

I think this is a fantastic idea.

I am now giddy with the possibility of going to Paris next May or June. My husband has enough frequent flyer miles saved for one round trip ticket overseas. So, we would just need to buy the other, money for a hotel, and spending cash. Totally feasible. We would leave on a Thursday night and return home on Sunday. Lunch, The Lourve, home. It sounds so awesome. I have never been overseas.

Just one problem, we are total procrastinators. A weekend trip to Paris takes a lot of pre-planning. We would have to save up enough money to buy the tickets as soon as we can, and most of our savings is already earmarked for home improvement projects that just need to be done.

We had once planned to go to Tokyo for New Years to visit a friend. We even both got passports. But then we waited and waited and then it was too late to get decent tickets and hotel rooms.

I just really want to do this. I think I'll start researching flights today.

I Need To Be Inspired

Last night I attended a poetry and short stories reading at a local bar. My friend, a poet, was doing a reading. I haven't been to many of these things. I'm always fearful of being forced to sit and listen to people who take themselves way too seriously or ranting women cursing out ex-boyfriends. But last night was entertaining. The readers were mostly humorous.

What happens after I attend anything like this, an evening watching talented people express themselves either with words or music, is that I begin to feel very inspired and just want to run home and write, pick up the guitar, sing, turn on Garage Band and start creating. I go to bed with words and rhymes and verses running through my head. I begin to feel like I should be doing something like this or with this. I do believe I have a creative talent in me somewhere. I'm just not sure how to harness it.

I've been told repeatedly that I am a good writer (not that this blog is any indication of that). Usually, when told this, the person appears suprised.

But, I don't want to be a writer. I'm more into poetry and lyrics. I would love to be a little folksinger who plays at little bars every once in a while. I, in no way, would ever want it to be how I make a living. I don't strive for the spotlight. But I just think it would be a fun thing to do on the side. A hobby. A creative outlet.

But I am too shy and musically, not quite there. I can play guitar just fine. Well enough to hold my own, alone. But my voice is not up to par. I can sing. I can sing well. But not consistently. I don't have a lot of control over my voice. Some days I sound quite lovely, and the next like horseshit.

I do think I need to stick with writing and stick with this blog. It's been nice to come in every morning and just babble on to no one and everyone.

Like I'm on my very own stage.

Nothing More Than Feelings...

One month from yesterday will mark the 23rd anniversary of my mother's death. It's hard to believe it's been 23 years. I was 6 years old.

My brother sent an email out me and my siblings asking us to share our memories of mom. It's been really nice for me to read. As the youngest, I don't remember a whole lot. So it's nice to read about her as a mother of a teenager and adult women.

My oldest sister is 25 years my senior. My youngest sibling is 6 years older than me. I have 9 siblings in all. 6 sisters, 3 brothers. All half-siblings.

My mom was married twice before my dad, and my dad was married once before my mom. I am the only product of the two of them. My mother brought 5 kids to the marriage, my dad 4. All but two were out of the house already when I came along.

I had an older sister (10 years older) and older brother (6 years older) in the house growing up.

All of these emails going back and forth have reminded me that I used to have a "normal" childhood, however brief it lasted. I had a married mom and dad, we lived in a house with a yard, I had older brothers and sisters who played tricks on me and each other. We ate dinner together at night. I got in trouble when I did things wrong, and praised when I did them right. There were neighborhood kids who I was friends with and we would play all day. There were quirky sitcom-esq situations and serious "special episodes". We had Christmas trees and presents were purchased and wrapped without my knowledge of what they were. Everyone got together for the holidays. There were Easter egg hunts and Santas. People slept in beds. Birthday parties were had.

Then she died....and that all went away.

My "real" childhood consisted of a never ending rotation of 1 and 2 bedroom crappy apartments. Since my brother and sister were technically my mom's kids, dad threw them out. It was just he and I. Dinner mostly consisted of TV dinners. Sundays we had pot roast. I was already cooking for myself by the time I was 8. Well, heating crap in the microwave. Once I turned 9, I spent after school alone fending for myself (I had a daycare up until then, but dad pulled me out. If I remember correctly, there was a scandal with the provider's son. I was better off at home alone). I was never scolded or punished. I was spoiled rotten, in the only way poor people can be spoiled. My dad spent every extra dime he had on me. He never spent money on himself. He was a drinker, though. He would go out a lot, especially when I was younger. I spent many nights home alone. My mom's kids would come get me for holidays, I didn't see much of my dad's family. He kept to himself. He would get a Christmas tree then take me shopping and have me pick out several items, then he would choose from those and wrap them. After awhile, he just took me shopping. He did get me the biggest Easter basket every year. Depending on whether or not we had a 1 bedroom or 2 bedroom, sometimes my room was the living room and I would sleep on the couch. I think I had one real birthday party after she died. My dad always acknowledged my birthday and would buy a Dairy Queen ice cream cake and presents, but I never had a real birthday party.

I won't get into my teen years because that is just way too much craziness.

I guess I'm just suddenly feeling very angry about my childhood and I never felt that way before. I was never the kid who was mad at their parent for dying, but now I kind of am. Or maybe I'm mad at my dad for not doing everything he could to give me a normal childhood.

I don't know. I should probably go to therapy.

Cold, Clothing, and Chocolate

My desk is set right next to the coldest conference room of the office building. I keep the door closed to keep the cold air from blowing on me. It is always about 20 degrees in there no matter what time of year it is.

One of my co-workers seems to find it easier to do his work in there. He knows, because I have told him, to keep the door shut because I get very very cold. Yet, he always leaves it open. Then I get up to close it. Then he goes back in there and leaves it open. Then I close it again. I'm sitting here with my winter jacket on. Hello. I'm freezing.

Speaking of winter jackets (let's see if I can make this segue work), I've been reassessing my current clothing situation. I recycle the same 7-8 outfits each week. Sometimes I mix and match for variety, but essentially I wear the same pieces of clothing 7 days a week.

I find it very hard to hang onto clothing. Maybe I'm not washing them correctly, but they don't seem to last very long. And, I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think I shrink all of my clothes after washing them a certain amount of times. One day they fit, the next they don't. My weight can't possibly fluctuate this much, can it? I will wear a pair of jeans to work, wash them that night, try them on 2 days later, and they won't fit. I can barely get them buttoned. Same thing happens with shirts. So then those pieces of clothing get tossed aside and never worn again. I don't know what it is or what I do to my clothes to make this happen, but it's incredibly frustrating.

It also happens if I buy something new.

Let's say I have my favorite pair of jeans. I wear them 3-4 times a week. I get some extra money and go shopping and buy another pair of jeans. Suddenly, the old jeans no longer fit. It's very strange. I just chalk it up to the greater conspiracy that I believe is against me. I can't even begin to give you the details of this because it is all in my head. Maybe some bored weekend night I will choose to prattle on about it.

Back on track...anyway, I find clothes to be very difficult for me. I'm at the between size where I'm at the top size at a place like The Gap (14/16) and the very bottom at a place like Layne Bryant. So finding clothes that fit is near impossible. I try to keep it simple. Jean, long sleeve tees, sweaters. But that gets so boring. I just want fun, comfortable clothing. Why is it so hard?

Now, onto chocolate. I do realize that I need to lose some weight. But there is not much to cut from my diet since I actually eat pretty well. I have a bagel in the morning, a light lunch (either a sandwich or salad), and then a nice dinner of either pasta, fish and veggies, or a tuna sandwich. And, besides beer, I only drink water.

My one vice is chocolate. I looooooove chocolate. Every morning I used to get a large hot chocolate. I would also, at some point in the afternoon, have another form of chocolate. If someone in the office brought in some sort of sweet treat, I could not resist.

I am trying to only have chocolate once a week. So far so good. But it is only week two. Last week my treat was a slice of chocolate and peanut butter cake my co-worker brought in. It was divine and worth every bite.

I have yet to have chocolate this week. I'm trying to save it for something special like the slice of cake, but I will most likely end up grabbing a Dove bar at some point. Which will be good. I love Dove bars.

To Music

I have a musical obsession. Out of the 16 hours a day I am awake, I spend at least 8 of them with music in my ear. The other 8 are spent either wishing I was listening or playing my guitar or singing to myself. Maybe it's more of an addiction.

I am constantly on the search for new music, yet have no time to listen to all of the music I currently have. Most of the time I'm not looking for new new music, I'm just digging for hidden gems from my favorites. I can't get enough.

And once I find an artist I like, I need to own everything they've ever done.

I love all kinds of music, too. I'm not picky. Sure, there are certain areas I prefer: The singer/songwriter/acoustic guitar formula will usually draw me in the fastest. But I love me some Britney Spears, as well. As I said in an earlier post, I'm also enjoying American Idol winner David Cook and his flyover rock sound. Other favorites include: Cloud Cult, Rilo Kiley/Jenny Lewis/The Elected, Jens Lekman, Ani Difranco, Damien Rice, Air, Erin McKeown, Bob Dylan, Regina Spektor, Cat Power, Sufjan Stevens, Blur, Mates of State, Oasis....the list goes on.

As I said above, I play guitar, as well. Love to play my guitar. If I'm just sitting around watching tv or waiting to go somewhere, the guitar is in my hands. I've been playing for 18 years now. I think I'm alright. I have some issues with my pinky finger that cause it to lock up, so I don't get too tricky. I love to write songs. I love to just sing and play as loud as I can. Unfortunately, I don't think my husband or neighbors appreciate that so much. I've decided when we finish our basement that I need to create a room down there that is sound proof so I can have my own space to play.

I love going to live shows. I get so inspired. I'm not one who likes to hang out afterwards because I usually just want to go home and play my guitar. I just love the immediateness of them. I love being in the moment with the musician.

I also love to dance. Put a couple of beers in me and I am a dancing fool.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere. I'm at work with my headphones on. The New Pornographers are currently playing. I was just thinking about how if I'm awake, I have music in my ears. I love music. I wrote this ode to music a while back:

TO MUSIC

the notes emanating from the fuzzy black speaker
swirl around my head
making my thoughts go deeper
inside my little room or shoved in my ears
they speak to me in a volume i choose
in melodies i love to hear

and it seems there is never enough
i can never get my fill
or soothe the itch that creeps through me still
i long at all hours to hear the plucking of strings
or the pounding of ivory
i long to hear voices from heaven
or voices from hell
snarling or harking
sometimes it's hard to tell

the difference

the difference between love and hate can be smudged in a song
the song is sometimes the only thing that can keep me moving along
whether down in the deepest pits
or high on the northern most star
it follows my mood no matter how far swung
takes hostage my lungs
vaccuums up my breath
pulls the water from eyes
doesn't matter whether a flower blooms
or a friendship dies
there is hope
in harmonies
there is realness
in wrong notes
there is change
in melodies

there is a life in every song ever written
every word is lulled from somewhere
every chord is a call to every emotion within
everytime i sing
or just listen
i can seem them
memories as distant or as new as the day
floating from behind my eyes
wanting to share their tales
of successes and failures
of songs lost in time

lives lost to my eyes

i toast to music
to the song and the writer
i toast to southern harmonies
and to smokey clubs
and to concert halls and stadiums
i toast to jazz
to r and b
i toast to what moves me
i toast to folk
the protest singers
i toast to the pop tarts
who make the skies more blue
and the grass a little greener
i toast to garages across the world
and all the songs i'll never hear
i toast to the outdoor festivals
with eclectic bands and domestic beer
i toast to rap for making life more interesting
with all it's controversy
and to funk
for making me dance
i toast to every artist who's ever made it
and for those that never got a chance
and i toast to hoping i never get my fill
that this itch is never relenting
and that music be my will

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

I come into Mondays with a lot on my brain. A weekend worth of pondering whilst raking leaves or cleaning the house or running errands leaves me with a lot on my mind. Being new to blogging, I'm never sure if I should break all of these thoughts into separate posts to keep things clear, or just dump them all under one header and be done with it.

I think this unknowing stems from a deeper problem of mine: What is everyone else doing? Am I doing this right?

I doubt myself constantly and I am constantly looking for acceptance. I certainly have a void I am looking to fill. I'm sure a psychologist would tell me it is due to my mom dying when I was young and me looking to replace that relationship. It's blaringly obvious that's what it is.

Knowing this about myself, I tend to be very aware when I am doing something based on filling a void. But lately, I am becoming more and more unsure of the reasons behind why I do what I do. I'm trying to make some changes, but I don't know if I will be able to pull them off. These are the same changes I try to make over and over again, but I never seem to be able to follow through.

Here are the changes I am trying to make and the reasons why I have difficulty keeping them.

1. No More Chocolate. I'm having some serious weight gain issues. I always put on weight this time of year. I think that has more to do with my activity levels dropping than anything else. I just want to stay in and curl up on the couch evey night. Because of this, I need to cut back on what I eat. Unfortunately, I eat pretty well. There isn't much I can cut back from in my daily meals. I also don't believe in depriving myself. I am, however, a chocoholic. I cannot resist it. I have a large hot chocolate from Caribou every morning. I will usually find a chocolate snack at some point in the afternoon and then some sort of sweet dessert after dinner. I know that if I just cut these things out, my calorie intake will drop dramatically and so will the weight. I stopped drinking soda years ago and noticed a difference in my face almost immediately. I also quit smoking over a year ago and I don't have that nicotine crutch to use when I am craving chocolate. The only beverages besides hot chocolate that I drink are water, orange juice, and beer. I don't drink coffee or tea or soda. I think this no chocolate thing will help immensley. I will treat myself once a week to some, though. But that's it. Of course, being that this is the first day of my resistance, one co-worker brought in homemade chocolate chip cookies and another brought in donuts. So far, so good though.

2. Stop Caring What My Peers Think Of Me. I bend and mold myself for others. I tend to act like a stupid puppy around people I deem "cooler" than me. I'm almost 30 and I still feel like I'm supposed to live up to some ultra-hip standard of cool that I've set up for myself. It doesn't help that I now work for a media company full of these ultra-hipsters who are constantly coming back from some ultra-hip place and when they ask what I did over the weekend, I feel like a jackass when I say "I stayed home...again." It's not that I don't go out. I'm just very picky about what I want to do. I love to see live shows, but I don't necessarily want to go and see every new local band that sprouts up just so I can say I saw them first. I'm also very very scared of getting a DWI. When I go out, I like to have a few beers. So, it's either stay close to home or take a very expensive cab. The cab is out of the question (can't afford it), so I just stay home and try to make the nights that I do go out to be extra special. I need to be okay with this. I also need to be okay with not being able to wear the latest fashions. I do not have the budget to spend on clothing. I've never been a fashionable person. I've always just worn whatever. But lately I've been trying so hard, that my wardrobe has fallen apart and is just filled with pieces that don't go together and now I look like I try to hard. I just need to get back to my basic jeans and tee ensembles.

3. Become A Better Wife. I don't mean this in the old fashioned sense of having dinner on the table when he comes home from work or anything, but due to number 2 on this list, I tend to neglect him and his needs. I am so lucky to have such a supportive, nuturing, loving husband. He is everything I could ever want. I want to start making our nights at home more special. I want to try to let him know more often what he means to me and how grateful I am to have him in my life. Because, honestly, there is nothing I enjoy more than a Saturday night at home with my husband and my dog. I need to remember that all those people I see at bars and clubs who are constantly on the prowl are more than likely looking for what I already have. One thing I know is that I love my husband and I love the little life we have created for ourselves.

4. Be A Stronger Woman. I've always been a pushover. This goes along with my constant need of acceptance.

So that's that. Those are the 4 changes I really need to make with myself. Is it close enough to New Years to make them resolutions? Oh, New Years. Let me throw this on here, too. I will not feel down on myself if I have no happening party to attend on New Years Eve. Truth be told, I hate going out on New Years. It's DWI waiting to happen. I love just getting a bottle of champagne and toasting my husband in our living room while we sit by the fire and listen to music.

Sinking in

I think it's really just starting to sink in that Obama won. I was just finally able to watch his press conference today and I was so pleased for so many reasons. One, that he came out with this presidential air. You can't deny his presence and that does matter. When he begins to meet with other leaders, this will be a big factor after 8 years of Bush. Two, that he had plans and was ready to discuss them. He is so obviously ready to start his new job. And three, that I finally have a president I can withstand listening to for longer than 20 seconds. 20 seconds was about my Bush threshold.

This whole election was historical. Our two democratic top prospects were a woman and a black man. The VP pic for the GOP was a woman. It was really an amazing presidential election 'season'.

I am still just so proud of our country for this pick.

But now we need to look to California and try to stop the hate that is happening there. It is so frustrating that when our country finally moves forward in it's struggle with race relations that we now our struggling over sexual relations. It just seems that, as a country, we have always needed someone to pick on. This bullying needs to stop. Let these people love who they choose to love. I'm not a religious person, but if you truly believe in god, then god made everyone who they are and made them that way for a reason. Don't deny your gay/bi/lesbian/transgender/transsexual brothers and sisters the same civil rights that everyone else on this earth receives.

Yes we did.

We did it. We have made a change.

I spent last night crying into my wine glass. Happy, happy tears. I could not believe what I was seeing. After 2 elections where Bush was declared the winner, I just didn't think our country had it in them.

I am so proud of my fellow Americans. I am once again proud to be an American. I look at President-Elect Obama (can't believe I get to type that!!!!!) and see a glorious future for our country. Even if he is unable to fulfill every promise he has made, I know that he will try.

He has shown us and the world that anyone can do anything. He is the American dream.

There is a different vibe in my city this morning. People seem friendlier. Everyone is saying hello to each other. There is a definite positive energy filling the streets. It's a wonderful thing.

And in Obama's America, I didn't wake up with a hangover.

I voted

I voted and almost cried in the booth out of sheer excitement and the possibilities today can bring.

Now I am at work, unable to concentrate. I just want to fast forward this day until about 7:00 tonight.

I will be attending an event tonight to watch the elections unfold. As with the rest of America, I just really hope it goes my way.

It is so hard for me to wrap my brain around how someone could vote for someone like McCain and Palin. How listening to them speak inspires them to make a change. They inspire me to crawl into the darkest of corners with my hands over my ears screaming "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!" until they're done talking.

Bush was elected because people thought he'd be someone they want to have a beer with. I've had beer with many many people, and there is not a single one of them I would elect to run this country.

People like Palin because she's a hockey mom...one of us. Like above, I have spoken to many many hockey moms...not one of them I would elect to run the country.

Because, yes, a vote for McCain as president is a vote for Palin as president. I just don't see McCain lasting another 4 years. Her "You Betcha" way of speaking is not going to fly outside of the U.S.

My ultimate hope no matter which way this election goes, is that it is a clear cut win. No matter questions of voter fraud, hanging chads. By tomorrow morning, this had better be finished so we can all move on with our lives. For better or worse.